Phoenix

We talked about feeling rather disappointed by Holiday when she flaked on me. We talked about my anniversary coming up, about nearly walking into the emergency room two days ago because I wasn’t sure if I could keep my promise that I’d be okay. We talked about how Cappy Crunch has clung to me since the other day when I felt rather defeated. We talked about how I wanted to show up to therapy today because I needed renewed strength to keep going and how I needed something to hold onto for just a little bit longer.

I thought to myself it would be horrible for Barney Fife to come home to my dead body in the bedroom. Would Captain even let him back here? That would be horrible to do that to him. I got up out of bed and set out to the Quickie Mart for a cheap donut because I really needed to get out of this house. I wasn’t going to take Captain with me but I did leave him in the yard so he could watch me walk over there. He can see me because it’s not that far. As usual he gave me a few barks to protest that I wasn’t taking him but what concerned me was that he kept barking. I looked back to see that boy fly over the fence to come and get me. I knew I was dissociative but I also knew laying in bed or sitting in the house wasn’t good either. I figured I’d get a donut and come back. I’m okay enough to do that right? Wrong!!!!! At first I thought, well you silly thing, you know how to open the gate why didn’t you just open the gate and come after me? What’s with the dramatics superdog! I giggle at that but truly, the boy is my hero. He’s so cool.

After therapy I came home with my trusty companion who accompanied me to therapy and I wanted nothing more than to sit at the computer to do artwork. Instead of just artwork I punched out a poem. I think I’m moving past the whole high colour screaming artwork. I use colour to scream. The brighter the colours, the louder the scream. I want to move away from higher colour paintings….no, not want to, I feel like I’m moving away from it, like that phase is past or winding down. I think I’m okay with that.

I can’t seem to convince my little one that taking the medication is to help us stay afloat not to try and kill us. I don’t have a good history of keeping my word with them so I can’t say, “Well, I’ve always done this or that with you guys so what would change now?” I have no good history of keeping my word with them. Me thinks it’s time to change that. I feel so bad thinking of how scared she is that we aren’t going to make it, that I’ll lie and end it. You know, being a multiple and being suicidal is quite difficult. If one person dies we all die. I’m sorry to be talking this way, it’s just that it’s what’s going on. It’s not a bed of roses right now, never really has been. But I’m not sure if I’ve been this blunt before about feeling suicidal. And I don’t know if I’ve spoken openly about how others in the system that don’t want to die feel about an alter who does want to die. (I’m an alter, not the original person). To them they will be murdered, to me I’ll be relieved, done with this.

It makes me angry that I feel stuck because they want to be here but I don’t. I feel trapped again. Like I’m going to be alive even though I don’t want to be just because others aren’t ready to go yet. I feel trapped and that really makes me angry. Someone just said, “Please stop talking like that, you’ll talk yourself into killing us.” It’s not that I’m trying to talk myself into it. I don’t need that much “encouragement” to exit. I’m just trying to get this out of my head so it doesn’t swirl and fester.

I have an anniversary coming up. My Independence Day is coming up February 2nd. I have plans to spend that with just the Pride. I think that’s a good thing this year. We have the same thing to eat every year. Breakfast is waffles with peaches and whipped cream. Lunch is quiche, dinner is some sort of fish. I have one of those nice little steamer bags of spring veggies and I have one salmon steak left. I’ll need to toss some break sticks together but dinner is pretty much taken care of. I need to go to the store for the breakfast stuff though cause there’s not a lick of fruit in this house…only peaches will do though. The whipped cream is from heavy whipping cream. Oh I hope Maureen gets to spend this with us. That would be nice. Anyway, so we’ll celebrate/commemorate the taking of our independence February 2nd. The 3rd is on a Sunday, I don’t think I’ll be going out. Okay, I won’t be going out as I’ve just been told!!! Promises, gotta keep the promises. Sheshhh….much work to be done when caring for myself and those who have the life sentence of dwelling inside this head.

That’s all for this evening,

Joan