My home has always been a sanctuary type place, just like the closets I hid out in as a child. They use to say if you couldn’t find me just start looking in the closet. I spend a lot of time hiding. I spend a lot of time making sure I’m covered from head to toe. I don’t even turn the light on when I use the restroom and I shower in the dark.
I told the driver that despite having a car I’ll still take a cab to therapy. I’m usually pretty good about knowing when to put the keys down. I don’t drive to or from therapy.
We talked about my anniversary coming up and about the days leading up to it. In my head I saw her holding the upper part of my body out of the window. I’m looking down. She’s yelling something but I can’t really hear her. I’m thinking to myself, “This is the last time this is ever going to happen.”
Continue reading ‘Closets, Hiding and Ownership’
My, my, my the weather girl wasn’t lying when she said we have an arctic front coming in. It’s bitterly cold in Indy. This means I need to curl up with my trusty pal Captain Crunch and read a book. It means chicken noodle soup, no, no, chicken and dumplings, a good book and lots of heat until this evening anyway. I hope I get to venture out to The 10. It’s been helpful to go out the night before therapy. I usually kind of lose it a bit the night before therapy. Going to open mic night has been a good way to not sit at home getting my butt kicked by anxiety. I hope Holiday and Sis want to go. The 10 opens the mic at 9pm and end at midnight on the dot. Holiday and Sis don’t get here until 10PM at the earliest so it’s usually short and sweet, just enough time to get all 3 of us out of the house for just a bit and enough to distract me about Monday. The performers are usually good and it doesn’t hurt that cover charge is a buck with no requirement to buy a drink.
Continue reading ‘Arctic Winds and Bars’
The other day I completed a meme about 25 things I need as a survivor followed by 5 things I want. I filled out the needs part without much thought. I knew the answers to that right off. When it got to the 5 things I want I had a bit of trouble. I listed a game and an art program. I was stunned when I got them as gifts (the art program arrived today). I also listed something rather impractical like trading my left arm for my dog’s health. I then said I wanted to go to Kentucky every summer. I started to list that I want a car but instead I mentioned Kentucky. Despite not listing wanting a car I still got one. I didn’t get it for free but I did get it nearly free. I know the owner because the owner is my roommate. I know what problems it’s had in the last 3 years. I know that my roommate babied it and I know that he went out of his way to make sure the price was something I can come up with. I’m absolutely, positively beside myself.
The car is a ‘96 Nissan Sentra. This is a web photo here of the kind of car it is with info on it and everything. This is the exact colour.
Never Underestimate The Power of a Wish
-Saturday, January 19, 2008-10:09PM EST
As I looked over my stats and search results I found something interesting. It seems the spelling of one specific word is troublesome for this person also. I almost feel the need to go back and misspell that word just so this person knows he isn’t alone. We have each other, you’re sooo not alone. As far as the person goes with the mammary problem, well you may be on your own but the bad speller and I have each other.
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I am forever doing different versions of my work but this is more than likely the last version of this…but probably not the last time I’ll have someone search for the word “beconning.”
As far as the picture goes, there are drastic changes from the first version. The main change is mood brought by changing colours and texture.
Continue reading ‘I’m an Ar-teest’
I went outside with my mother and sister and danced in the rain.
I remember getting up from my mother’s fit of rage, turning on the radio and dancing to 80’s music to toss out memory of what was just done.
I remember standing on a balcony 21 stories above the city gazing at a perfect rainbow with complete strangers. The rainbow seemed to hang forever.
I remember hanging out of a six story window looking down, not sure if the mother would really push me that time.
I remember sitting on a dock by the Gulf of Mexico with my feet dangling in the water. A huge bird came and sat beside me. I froze as he ate my shrimp fishing bait.
I remember sailing with my uncle. My fear of water started there. I wondered if I could actually swim back to shore.
I remember standing at Pier 17 with friends laughing at this guys miniature tie. He caught my eye as he walked to the building. The man was gorgeous and well dressed. As he got closer I could see his tie was about 4 inches long instead of full size. We all laughed at such a silly style.
I remember kids making fun of me because I wore torque heals clear up into the 4th grade.(I was born with a club foot, it took awhile to correct.)
I remember where I was standing the day of the Tiananmen Square massacre. My TV screen went black, there was gunfire and shouting. I was stunned. What an awakening.
I remember what it feels like to be shot.
I remember standing in the same spot hearing the country was at war to liberate Kuwait. Yet another rude awakening for a world I didn’t think could get any worse.
I remember the first thing I ever really stood for. I refused to buy Coke products and called Coke the official drink of Apartheid because they wouldn’t do the right thing and pull out of South Africa.
I remember where I was standing just before I liberated myself from an abusive household.
As long as my mouth is open I’m okay. I may laugh or rant and rave but as long as I’m talking I’m okay. It’s when I get quiet that I start to worry myself. I’ve noticed when I’m angry, really angry, my behavior changes. I get quiet (red flag for me). I lean to the right, cross my legs, the right tightly over the left. My chin is held by my left hand covering only part of my mouth. My fingers are extended, one finger on my temple the others half way covering my mouth. Eye contact is good. I’m searching the person’s face for some slight up turning of the mouth to indicate that they’re just kidding, they couldn’t possibly be this offensive seriously. If I could get you to burst out laughing and go, “Gottach!” I could at least take a deep breath before giving a good cussing I’d give to anyone who pranked me.
Continue reading ‘When I’m Angry and Tired’
A cold winter’s night in West Virginia changed my life forever. Huddled together, five strangers fought the cold in a dingy room in the East wing of the State Hospital for the Mentally Insane. There where I spent countless hours receiving Electro-Convulsive Shock Therapy I met the woman who would forever change my ideas of love.
A religious awakening unfolded before me as I watched you in your brilliant white robe trying to free yourself with shards of shattered glass which one night earlier fell victim to your ceaseless howls. How beautifully angelic this agony. Continue reading ‘A Crazy Kind of Valentine’
Austin- Educating the stupid for free since 1971
Please, please make haste to your space ship. The planet “you’ve lost your damn mind” is anxiously awaiting your return.
Yesterday I was told that even if she doesn’t believe I have a right to my feelings she’s come to learn that I do. Let me enlighten you, educate you, show you the way in which my mind operates. I truly do not need your validation of ownership for my feelings. I’ve held that deed for years. Even if you don’t think I have a right to my feelings you found out that I actually do????!!!! OMG you must have felt so smthart when that little light bulb came on.
Continue reading ‘Emotions and Ownership’
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
Josh Billings
It feels like I’m in a house of cards with a strong wind coming in. It would be nice to think this house will stand.
In the dream about Blossom I think both people are me. First of all she’d never walk into the room and touch me while I was sleeping and 9 times out of 10 she wouldn’t initiate sex. That was another thing I was responsible for handling and deciding. I gather from the dream that I had the ability to protect myself from myself. I, in the form of Blossom, leaned over and said, “Do you plan on hurting me?” to which I replied, “Yes.” (More accurately, “No, but Robert does.) I think I understood I need protection from myself and that I’m willing to walk away from hurt. I, in the form of Blossom said, “Then you can’t have me.” I, in the form of Blossom, turned around and left. I recognize the threat I am to myself but I also recognize that I’m able to make the decision to not hurt myself especially in relationships. I have the understanding that things are emotionally safe for me and I have to the ability to walk away, just like I did in the dream. All the behaviors of the person in the form of Blossom pointed to her symbolizing me. Blossom does not exhibit the personal concern or inner strength to walk away from a relationship or say, “You can’t hurt me.” She doesn’t have the inner strength to decide when she’s had enough. She also would not simply offer support and understanding so freely. In the dream she was sensual, caring, loving, all without prompting. That’s not something Blossom would do. She needs prompting and validation the entire time. This is why I think in that dream she was symbolized me.
Continue reading ‘Protection From Myself’
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