Monthly Archive for January, 2008

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I Remember Sitting, Standing, Dancing

Published on January 17, 2008 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I went outside with my mother and sister and danced in the rain.
I remember getting up from my mother’s fit of rage, turning on the radio and dancing to 80’s music to toss out memory of what was just done.

I remember standing on a balcony 21 stories above the city gazing at a perfect rainbow with complete strangers. The rainbow seemed to hang forever.
I remember hanging out of a six story window looking down, not sure if the mother would really push me that time.

I remember sitting on a dock by the Gulf of Mexico with my feet dangling in the water. A huge bird came and sat beside me. I froze as he ate my shrimp fishing bait.
I remember sailing with my uncle. My fear of water started there. I wondered if I could actually swim back to shore.

Continue reading ‘I Remember Sitting, Standing, Dancing’

When I’m Angry and Tired

Published on January 16, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

As long as my mouth is open I’m okay. I may laugh or rant and rave but as long as I’m talking I’m okay. It’s when I get quiet that I start to worry myself. I’ve noticed when I’m angry, really angry, my behavior changes. I get quiet (red flag for me). I lean to the right, cross my legs, the right tightly over the left. My chin is held by my left hand covering only part of my mouth. My fingers are extended, one finger on my temple the others half way covering my mouth. Eye contact is good. I’m searching the person’s face for some slight up turning of the mouth to indicate that they’re just kidding, they couldn’t possibly be this offensive seriously. If I could get you to burst out laughing and go, “Gottach!” I could at least take a deep breath before giving a good cussing I’d give to anyone who pranked me.

Continue reading ‘When I’m Angry and Tired’

A Crazy Kind of Valentine

Published on January 16, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Humor, Poetry, PTSD and Relationships. 2 Comments

A cold winter’s night in West Virginia changed my life forever. Huddled together, five strangers fought the cold in a dingy room in the East wing of the State Hospital for the Mentally Insane. There where I spent countless hours receiving Electro-Convulsive Shock Therapy I met the woman who would forever change my ideas of love.

A religious awakening unfolded before me as I watched you in your brilliant white robe trying to free yourself with shards of shattered glass which one night earlier fell victim to your ceaseless howls. How beautifully angelic this agony. Continue reading ‘A Crazy Kind of Valentine’

Emotions and Ownership

Published on January 16, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Mental Health, Relationships and Soapbox. 4 Comments

Austin- Educating the stupid for free since 1971

Please, please make haste to your space ship. The planet “you’ve lost your damn mind” is anxiously awaiting your return.

Yesterday I was told that even if she doesn’t believe I have a right to my feelings she’s come to learn that I do. Let me enlighten you, educate you, show you the way in which my mind operates. I truly do not need your validation of ownership for my feelings. I’ve held that deed for years. Even if you don’t think I have a right to my feelings you found out that I actually do????!!!! OMG you must have felt so smthart when that little light bulb came on. Continue reading ‘Emotions and Ownership’

House of Cards

Published on January 15, 2008 in For the Record. 6 Comments

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
Josh Billings

It feels like I’m in a house of cards with a strong wind coming in. It would be nice to think this house will stand.

Protection From Myself

Published on January 14, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy Assignments. 1 Comment

In the dream about Blossom I think both people are me. First of all she’d never walk into the room and touch me while I was sleeping and 9 times out of 10 she wouldn’t initiate sex. That was another thing I was responsible for handling and deciding. I gather from the dream that I had the ability to protect myself from myself. I, in the form of Blossom, leaned over and said, “Do you plan on hurting me?” to which I replied, “Yes.” (More accurately, “No, but Robert does.) I think I understood I need protection from myself and that I’m willing to walk away from hurt. I, in the form of Blossom said, “Then you can’t have me.” I, in the form of Blossom, turned around and left. I recognize the threat I am to myself but I also recognize that I’m able to make the decision to not hurt myself especially in relationships. I have the understanding that things are emotionally safe for me and I have to the ability to walk away, just like I did in the dream. All the behaviors of the person in the form of Blossom pointed to her symbolizing me. Blossom does not exhibit the personal concern or inner strength to walk away from a relationship or say, “You can’t hurt me.” She doesn’t have the inner strength to decide when she’s had enough. She also would not simply offer support and understanding so freely. In the dream she was sensual, caring, loving, all without prompting. That’s not something Blossom would do. She needs prompting and validation the entire time. This is why I think in that dream she was symbolized me. Continue reading ‘Protection From Myself’

I’ve gotten

Published on January 14, 2008 in For the Record. 3 Comments

several emails but I haven’t read any yet. I’m still out here, I’m just sort of stuck. Please don’t be offended or take it personally if I don’t get back to you right away.

Someone asked me if I’m okay. No, I’m not but I’m trying to be.  It might take a bit for me to get my footing back. I’m not ignoring anyone or avoiding one particular person. I’ve kind of withdrawn in general but I’m trying to get it together.