No One and The Therapist

Published
by
Austin
on February 14, 2008
in Abuse, Art, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy
.

I tell you this so you’ll tell me I’m not a bad person. I tell you so you’ll make it better and make it go away. I tell you out loud so that it’ll shame me and remind me to keep my head down, so I’ll remember not to ever make a fool of myself and consider myself equal. I’m looking off to the side with these words spilling out of my mouth. The words were not mine but yet they were and they rolled off my tongue naturally, naturally like a broken gas pipe spilling explosive fuels into once breathable air. I tell you these things because I’m scared of myself and of what I see in my head. I want you to take them from me but I know I have to remember to never think myself worthy of equality.

That’s absurd he said. I think you’re worthy. Bull shit I thought, don’t you understand I have to heal from this but we can’t cross the line that makes me a fool, that makes me forget that I have to bow down, serve others and keep my place in the line of things. Doesn’t he understand that?

He spoke to No One who kept his eyes just shy of meeting his. He traced the outline of the doctor’s chair up and around then stopped short of his face. He was as faceless as No One.

THIS WILL BE DISTURBINGWe learned helplessness but hope to overcome it. We’re not always in the helpless mode but sometimes we fall. Lay still and let me do this, don’t fight back, don’t scream out or I’ll kill you. Why do you “let” him push you around like that. Why do you “let“ him do this to you and let him walk all over you? Don’t fight me. Who do you think you are? No one.

We could see it in our head, us tied in different ways, us scared to death, us begging, the sister begging and willing to do anything to make her stop.

He made a photo copy of the drawing. We turned around and left as if we hadn’t just said these things, hadn’t just shown him little duck tied up in flashbacks. The thing is, she doesn’t even have to hold the rope anymore. The flashes are still there and we still feel like No One.

entry title: No One and The Therapist
Thursday, February 14, 2008, 11:54 am

2 Responses to “No One and The Therapist”

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  1. 1 Carmon
    February 14, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    Wow…very, very, very powerful. Take care of yourself - Carmon

  2. 2 Beauty
    February 14, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    This must have been so painful to articulate, and to give your therapist the drawing–wow, I don’t think I could’ve done something like that.

    I’m sorry there is so much bad stuff for you to deal with, constantly. I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all go away.

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