The People Behind My Eyes

Dear Mama,
If it weren’t for the fact that I’d never get your filth off my hands I’d wrap them around your neck and squeeze the fuckin life out of you for what you put me through. I’d hold your fat body out of the window and show you how it looks six stories up. I’d show you what insanity looks like when I hold you in a corner by the scruff of your neck with a knife to it. I’d do that if it didn’t meant touching you. I’d slap you until my hands were numb. I’d tied you like a hog like you did me and I’d leave your fucking ass in the wet, moldy basement until I got good and damn ready to go down and get you. I’d tell you just how disgusting you are. I’d let anyone and everyone have a piece of you because you’re just property, you’re owned. But most of all, I’d just show you what it means to be at the mercy of another human being. The only mercy I’d offer is that I’d kill you. How horrible of me to let you live after having put you through those things? I couldn’t do that to you. You’d have nightmares. You’d fear everything that moved. You’d never have a meal you didn’t feel guilty for eating. You’d put on clothing and still feel naked, exposed. I’d have to kill you after putting you through a glimpse of what you put me through. It’s the right thing to do, killing you after this.

This is going to hurt. This is really going to hurt. Get over here. I intend to beat the palms of your hands, put needles in the soles of your feet and beat your lips with a wide tooth comb. I hold her head out of a six story window. She’s looking down, scared to death. Am I going to toss her out this time. I’ve got a knife so close to her back she can fell the prick on her spine. You fuckin bitch get over here. I push her to the floor and kick her in the stomach. Shut up. Get up. I toss her in the restroom and turn the water on. She’s going to swim. She’ll sit there while the tub is filling and sure as hell better tell me when it’s full or I’m really going to be mad. “Mama the tub is full.” I wanna hear it. “Mama the tub is full.” In, face under the coldest water that’ll come out of a city faucet. In, out, up, down, whip her head back and leave her on the floor. That’s just for today. I at least have to stop to eat dinner. Tomorrow I’ll finish letting you in on a piece of what you put me through.

The morning will start off with a heavy, thick unbreathable air while everyone waits to see what mood I’m going to be in. I’ll play it real nice. I’ll go to work. I’ll get dressed. I’ll say very little. Work better go well or……..

Well go to a movie when I get home. We’ll go out to see a theater production. We’ll go over to the next state just for the day. We’ll skip school. I’ll skip work and we’ll just have a girl’s day out. We’ll get a facial, get some new clothes. You can have anything you want. I’ll show you the girls next to you and how nice her ass is. I’ll comment on the lady walking down the way and how horny she makes me. I’ll comment on how unruly the other kids a the mall are and how I’ve seen you before with your friends here. I’ll tell you how much you don’t even fit in with them. I’ll say it with a mocking tone, a giggle, the one I do where I lift my shoulders and tuck my neck so you know I really think you’re a joke. When you tell me you do fit in with your friends I’ll tell you to stop calling me by a mother’s name. You should call me by the name my husband gave me when he fucked me. You can call me that from now on.

There’ll be hell to pay but not right now. I’ll deal with you later. I’ll be nice to you all day long then just before you go to bed I’ll stand in your doorway like some kind of grim reaper. I’ll just stand there until you catch me out of the corner of your eye. If you’re anything like the child you raised you won’t outwardly flinch. That’ll piss me off cause you’re supposed to be scared. If you’re anything at all like the child you raised you might turn over and pretend you didn’t see me at all. I’ll walk in dowel rod in hand and beat the shit out of you from head to toe. Start with the middle section cause I’m just warming up then I’ll get to the legs, the arms and the head when I’m really wild and whipping that dowel rod around. If it breaks I’ve got another one no worries there. I had you buy it with the money you worked for when I punished you last time. But at least I let you get a candy bar when you went to the hardware store to buy the dowel rods.

I’m done for now. Good night. We’ll have a clean slate in the morning and it’ll all be okay then. You’ll have a clean slate in the morning.

Sissies turn. Why? For having the nerve to touch me. For having the fucking nerve to ever touch me.