The People Behind My Eyes

Barney wasn’t home. Captain and I putzed around the house doing nothing at all when someone rang the bell. The back door was open and a lab stood in the doorway but no people were with him. I called down the stairs to the doorway for them to come in but got no answer. I called again with the same result. Finally I moved the dog gate to go down and see if they’d traveled to the front door and couldn’t hear me tell them to come in. I passed the dog who didn’t seem too concerned to come in. She just stood there. Cap didn’t attempt to come down to play with her. As a matter of fact after that Captain doesn’t appear in the dream at all. So I passed the dog. As I got to the living room and before I could reach the door I noticed a group of people sitting in the dining room. All the lights were out except for the one in the dining room around the table. One man stood while 6 others occupied the chairs. He talked to them, seemed to be the one leading them. It appeared he may be the police.

I walked in the dining room and said, “Well, this would be why no one answered when I called out. You were already in.” I walked further into the room and said, “What’s this about?” The policeman said, “There have been some concerns about gun safety and the amount of guns and drugs in your home.” I flipped!!! “Guns!!!! What the fuck!!!! Are you serious? This is insane.” The people at the table got up and began searching the house. I tried to find a phone to call Barney so he could come home but couldn’t find one. The phones I could find had no directory and I didn’t know Barney’s phone number by heart so they didn’t help. I went to go upstairs to my room because my phone has a directory when I met a low level officer who was holding a pair of Barney’s underwear. He showed them to the ring leader officer implying that such small underwear could be because Barney’s an offender. I was so livid. I told them he’s a 63 year old man about 6 foot 1 at 144 pounds and that’s why his underwear are so small. His butt is small I said. They took the underwear for evidence.

I continued up the stairs to my room to find the rest of the group piled on top of one another. The man on top was sobbing into the hair of the one under him. I knew right then he felt guilt for what he’d done and knew what they’d done. When they all got up there lay my sister in the typical crucifix fashion dead and smashed by the group. I said, “No, no, please, Oh God no.” I fell to the floor begging for her not to be dead. Strangely enough my brother was standing beside me watching the whole thing. Instead of being about 3 he was more like 6. I never knew him at that age which is why it seems odd. Age 6 is one of those ages for me that seems the most vulnerable and unsafe. Just as I grieved on the floor the group of people came from the restroom in bathrobes freshly showered. One girl was crying. She was upset because she had just had sex over my sister’s dead body and didn’t know if she’d still have enough energy left in her for sex later with her brother. (You read that correctly.)

I went back downstairs knowing this had all gone from an illegal search to murder but somehow it would come back on me and Barney. My brother said to me, “Do the innocent go to jail” I said yes but you’re only 6 and six year old kids don’t go to jail. I assured him he’d be fine.

I went back to the group who gathered in the dining room. As I walked to them I saw just how much they damaged in the search. They destroyed keepsakes, tore paintings, drawings, destroyed Barney’s paper work and simply gutted the house looking for guns and drugs. Instead of going into the dining room with them I just laid on the ironing board. I could hear my brother speaking to my mother in the kitchen. He told her I was resting from the ordeal. My eyes were closed. I was on my side. My heart fell deeper. I slipped away and died. From there I woke up.

This dream will be re-written very soon because I can’t live with the way it ended. My sister died and I died in my own dream? No. This will be re-written so I come out as the victor instead of the victim.

Dream Therapy: Died In My Dream
Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 9:56 am EST