Monthly Archive for February, 2008Page 2 of 4

I’m Not Part of This Family - Part 2 of 2

Published
by
JoanofArc
on February 24, 2008
in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships, Segments and Therapy
. 2 Comments

I may have separated myself from my family of origin and I may not be an abuser but I’m not unaffected by the abusers thinking process. A person cannot survive torture, rape and other abuses from an early age until the age of 20 and somehow avoid ever having those types of “punishments” cross their mind when handing down punishment to a loved one. What I mean is this, as a survivor of these things I was taught when bad this is what happens. Take for instance the time I broke the oriental umbrella. My mother was so angry about that she got out the dowel rod and swore she would whip the palms of whomever broke it. That’s what I learned punishment was. Punishment is severe, it gets the point across the first time and then you don’t deal with that behavior anymore. When it came to fit throwing as a toddler how did she break me of that? She tossed a bucked of ice water on me. I stopped fit throwing. Punishment was severe and immediate. That is what I learned.

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Advanced Global Personality Test

Published
by
Austin
on February 23, 2008
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

This test was taken by Joan (28 year old female alter) so it mostly applies to her, perhaps a few others of us but mostly to Joan.

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. (applies to us all)

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

Trait snapshot:
clean, organized, regular, self reliant, tough, positive, high self control, very good at saving money, dislikes chaos, resolute, realist, trusting, hard working, dislikes unpredictability, prefers a technical specialized career, not worrying, respects authority, enjoys leadership, finisher, normal, optimistic, controlling, prudent, modest, adventurous, does not like to be alone, intellectual, likes the unknown, very practical, high self esteem, assertive, perfectionist, busy, altruistic

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Random Friday: Do, Don’t, Can, Can’t

Published
by
Austin
on February 22, 2008
in General Chatter and Humor
. 2 Comments

I can fillet a salmon in one slice, flip it over and do the same thing
but I can’t quarter a chicken.

I can taste the difference between Maxwell House coffee and Folgers
but I can’t taste the difference between imitation vanilla extract and real vanilla extract.

I can feel a slight difference in the weight of a given object
but I have no sense of time or direction. I can tell time but it means nothing to me.

I can tell if something is too hot or too cold
but I can’t tell the difference between damp and soft.

I can detect an accent and usually name the country correctly
but I can’t hear vowel sounds in English, my native tongue.

I can:
Make something out of nothing.
See masterpiece paintings in the clouds.

I can’t:
Draw a straight line.
Wait patiently at a doctor’s appointment.

I do:
Think about food most of the day.
Love the colour red
Wear some shade of green daily.

I don’t:
Eat crazy stuff like brains or intestines, dogs, pickled gerbles and crazy crap like that.
Wear the colour yellow
Wear black pants.

Random Friday: Do, Don’t, Can, Can’t
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 6:36 pm

Yeah for me!!!

Published
by
Austin
on February 22, 2008
in Art and Gratitude Journal
. 3 Comments

I sold 2 My Time To Heal Greeting Cards this morning!!! Yeah for me!

I heard from a lady that purchased a greeting card of Honorable. She said it came beautiful and that it has my name and the name of the piece on the back of the card.

My Time to Heal is now available in postcard format. It won’t be on Redbubble unless by request. I’ll offer it through the Postcard Gallery. See the Postcard Gallery for more details.

It's My Time To Heal

Thank you to whomever bought the cards. That just makes me one happy camper!

Silent

Published
by
JoanofArc
on February 21, 2008
in Mental Health, PTSD and Poetry
. 1 Comment

All I want from you is your silence.
Lips tight, withholding words with grandiose, sometimes hidden meaning
Sure to confuse and muddy already tainted waters.
Certain to leave me wondering what language you created
That can take me from a standing bloom to uprooted ragweed
With the manipulative combination of a verb, an adjective and a look.
What language is this you speak?
Please keep beneath pink lips any words you could think to utter
In validation of my filth or condemnation of this distorted being you molded.
Silent. Be silent.

As my mind begins to rumble at the same frantic, desperate beat of my heart
Only then must you part your mouth.
Abandon please the colorful words, the dramatized spilling forth of sorrow and pain.
Just kneel before me and take back every word you ever said.
Words I’ll forget if you just open your mouth and return the past into you.

Joan of Arc
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 5:54 pm

Therapy Drawings

Published
by
JoanofArc
on February 21, 2008
in Abuse, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy
. 0 Comments

Therapy Drawings

We talked about how I see myself. The image I posted a bit ago about me in a flashback he said was a powerful image that shows what it still feels like years after being away from her. The first image shows a very full and confused head, the second I explained has hands as hair. It depicts the open season it was to touch me, to get inside my head and make sure I didn’t ever think myself worthy of anything but pain. The third image is certainly a DID drawing as is the fourth. The third one called “Survivor’s Song” is more of a lamentation, a dirge than a sing along song. The fourth image is called “Three of Me”. Two of the heads have their eyes closed. One has them open but she still is denied the gift of sight. Each head attaches to one neck and then springs off into a vine which leads to a flower where the heart should be.

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Dear Mama

Published
by
Austin
on February 20, 2008
in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Letters Home, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy
. 5 Comments

Dear Mama,
If it weren’t for the fact that I’d never get your filth off my hands I’d wrap them around your neck and squeeze the fuckin life out of you for what you put me through. I’d hold your fat body out of the window and show you how it looks six stories up. I’d show you what insanity looks like when I hold you in a corner by the scruff of your neck with a knife to it. I’d do that if it didn’t meant touching you. I’d slap you until my hands were numb. I’d tied you like a hog like you did me and I’d leave your fucking ass in the wet, moldy basement until I got good and damn ready to go down and get you. I’d tell you just how disgusting you are. I’d let anyone and everyone have a piece of you because you’re just property, you’re owned. But most of all, I’d just show you what it means to be at the mercy of another human being. The only mercy I’d offer is that I’d kill you. How horrible of me to let you live after having put you through those things? I couldn’t do that to you. You’d have nightmares. You’d fear everything that moved. You’d never have a meal you didn’t feel guilty for eating. You’d put on clothing and still feel naked, exposed. I’d have to kill you after putting you through a glimpse of what you put me through. It’s the right thing to do, killing you after this.

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You And Your Crapper - Updated

Published
by
JoanofArc
on February 20, 2008
in General Chatter, Humor and Relationships
. 5 Comments

Yesterday a lady at the hospital decided to tell me all about her bowel surgery. There I was trying to eat my grilled cheese samich and fries while she went on and on about having some sort of sack removed from her crapper. I thought, my gracious I can’t win. Not only did Blossom use to tell me all the dang on time about her crap inability but so do other friends of mine. Well, this complete stranger is going on and on. She wasn’t old. The woman said she’s 45 years old. I was thinking, well, in that time you should have learned that there are some things you talk about with strangers and others you don’t. THIS is one of those subjects. I wanted to suggest she take the Activia Challenge but I was trying not to vomit.

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Candles and Other Smelly Good Things

Published
by
Austin
on February 19, 2008
in Art, PTSD and Therapy
. 3 Comments

One of my new found coping skills has been helpful during the hard time I’ve been having. I didn’t realize how much I enjoy candle light nor did I think I’d enjoy making them. In the last 6 months I’ve made at least 100 votive candles, 10 jar size and 5 small pillars. Since my hands don’t like to work right at times (Lupus and RA) I had to come up with new ways to handle the equipment. Several times I got burned pretty badly and swore I’d give up candle making for good. I suppose that’s a natural reaction when your left hand is covered from tip to wrist in hot wax cause your right hand could no longer hold a small vegetable size can of wax. So I had to come up with better ways to handle my makeshift lab as well as come up with gloves I could use and clothing I could mess up for eventual spills. Instead of using the stove and a make shift double boiler I whipped out my coffee mug warmer, put a tin can full of wax on it and let the warmer melt the wax. I just went from there. It works. After making those changes I was able to pour a few votives and have them come out pretty darned good. Candle making itself has been relaxing too.

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Lonely

Published
by
JoanofArc
on February 18, 2008
in General Chatter, Mental Health and Relationships
. 3 Comments

It was so touch and go for a little while. I really was so close to not making it that I scared the crap out of myself. I’m in a heck of a better space now than before but man, when I come so close like that, when I start planning, start finalizing stuff it scares me. I was pretty open about how I was feeling and about where I was at. I think reaching out helped me get better grounded so I don’t regret reaching out at all. As embarrassing as it is for me to ask for help I knew I needed it so I just did it. I reached out. Several people were there for me numerous times and I am forever grateful for that.

I’m not nearly as lost as I was but man, lately I’ve felt so lonely. Last night in bed I really needed the comfort of another body next to me just to feel safe. I needed weight on my head and shoulders, kinda holding me in place letting me know I wasn’t losing myself. I guess it was like having weight on me would mean I’m still here. I don’t know how to explain that.

Continue reading ‘Lonely’