My art therapy gallery can be viewed here.
I can not stand this fucking anxiety. My goodness. All night last night I had anxiety attacks. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I thought my blood sugar was low or something because I hadn’t eaten much but with the way I was breathing, the way my heart felt and all I realized I was having an anxiety attack. It’s been awhile since this level of anxiety has hit me and it’s been awhile since it stayed this long. I at least get a break but this seems constant.
I went to the store today for food and had to leave in the middle just to get some air. I stepped outside for a sec then came back in. Argh!!! It seems I can do a bunch around the house and not require a nap but you let me leave the house for an hour or two and I sleep like I’ve been up for days or something.
Sleep……yup, every so enjoyable. There has been no respite from the sister dreams. That of course is the main source of the continued anxiety. Cutting has been on my mind but I’ve picked up a pen and at times a paintbrush instead. At least my hands are letting me do that. It’s been a very long time since I had a paintbrush in my hand. The picture wasn’t pretty (disturbing actually) but it felt good to paint with something other than my computer mouse. Since I left therapy last Wednesday up until today I’ve doodles and painted nearly non-stop. Thank goodness I have plenty of sketch pads.
The drawings are in the exact order they were drawn in.
I can’t imagine the thought of not doodling this out this way. I know I went from angry to sort of emotional and right back to angry. I noticed when I write about my sister there’s considerably less cursing than when I talk about the mother. When I draw the sister I draw her very feminine, with flowers, in a sassy or pouty mood. When I draw the mother there is so much chaos. When I did the one with the soda can and the candy I was thinking about the mother’s favorite things. Right in the middle of her head, forming her nose, are two girls. They are at the center of her thoughts. I wonder how she had time to do anything else.
In addition to the anxiety attacks I noticed I’ve been counting again. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, again and again like that. And I’ve been rocking too. I know these to be signs of self soothing as well as a PTSD reaction. I need a break from nightmares cause my nerves are fried. Joy of joys, I go to therapy in a matter of hours. Actually, it helps to go there and dump this stuff. Maybe he can make some suggestions on how to manage the nightmares and stuff like that.
J of A
I hope Dr. D has some words of wisdom for you. It’s so hard when the anxiety is unrelenting. It’s exhausting to deal with the constant nightmares. I’m wishing you safety and peace.
I used to use artwork to get my stuff out. I found it really helpful even if it was painful at the time. I hope you art works for you as well.
Hugs - hope things get easier.
To Everybody-
Sorry about opening up an entry with the f-word in the very first sentence. I’m sure readers are use to me using that word by now but I don’t know, opening an entry with it seems kinda on the I don’t know, extreme side. As a general rule if I post it I don’t take it down so while I can offer an apology I won’t remove it or edit it.
I talked to Dr. D today. We went over the artwork and over the dreams and everything. It’s always helpful to go there.
Here’s a tip for getting adivan or clonapin in your system quickly - put it under your tongue like with heart medication. It gets to your system rather quickly. I did this this morning and it helped a lot. I also realized I hadn’t lit any candles in several days. I have no idea what that’s about. They’re lit now though.
We’re off to our medical doctor tomorrow then see the therapist again on Wednesday. Getting out of the house during this time will more than likely be helpful.
Austin
i hope your anxiety gets better and not to be severe, so you can go out to appointments and everything like that. and not sleeping good, never, ever helps. i know what that is like.
*crosses fingers* i hope the anxiety reduces in strength. take care and know i am thinking of you …
I started my blog post with a whole string of cuss words - I just couldn’t decide which one to use so I used the #%!@% symbol to include them all.
Ah and I didn’t notice you started your post with one. Hmmmm wonder what that says about me? LOL
Makes it hard to sleep when you know that there’s a good chance of unwanted dreams. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately too.
Hi Austin, your drawings are beautiful. I wish I could release some of my pain that way, but I can’t even draw a decent stick figure…
I did a lot of coloring in geometric designs. For some reason, just the action of coloring was healing for me. In truth, though, writing is the best way I have of expressing myself.
All the best to you.
Tabby