The People Behind My Eyes

The subject has come up several times in the last week on blogs that I visit. It also came up in therapy Monday so I figured I’d go ahead and put some thoughts down on paper, mostly in jumbled format. First of all, Dr. D and I discussed gender confusing messages that I got from my mother. We talked about how she kept asking me if I was a little boy and if I thought I was a little boy, are you gay, all of that since I was very little….like around age 4 until I was a grown woman. Of course there’s the sexual abuse from her, the sister and two males but what was most confusing for me was the mother and sister. I was raised to believe that men are bad and little boys are nasty. So when my mother asked me if I was a little boy or if I wanted to be a little boy she pretty much asked me if I was the very thing or wanted to be the very thing she despised. But it occurred to me early on that the safest sex to be was male. I figured that being a girl made me a sitting duck, a target. I thought being a girl was part of why I was being abused so often and by so many. I figured if I were a boy life would be easier because I figured they’re despised, disliked and therefore left alone. But that wasn’t true either because I had a brother and a male cousin who were abused. In my mind though, girl equaled hurt and boy equaled hated but safer.

I’ve mentioned before that the mother had me look in the mirror each morning and say 20 times, “men are dogs.” She really had us do that. We were told that men only want to ravage women and that when they penetrate a woman they no longer have respect for them. Oral sex is just out of the question cause that makes you a whore she said. She said a guy will never, ever respect a girl after she does that. The messages I got about sex with men was that it’s dirty and it makes you a whore, still she asked me if I was a boy. Strange, confusing questions from a very crazy woman. One could almost feel sorry for her …that is if they didn’t know what she did to her children willingly.

So I grew up thinking men were horrible creatures but she also had strong opinions of women. Women are catty, back biters, not to be trusted, will gossip and trick you into thinking they’re your friend when they’re just looking for information to hold against you. A little paranoid are we? Women are vicious and men are violent sex devils. How does one become comfortable in their own skin when given such gender descriptions and dividing lines? It took years upon years for me to no longer believe that being a girl made me a victim. It took years upon years before I could say that my mother is wrong by making clear cut negative comments about who men are and who women are. But I’ll tell you one thing, I’d trust a man before I’d trust a woman any day. How on earth did that happen?

Joan of Arc

Men vs. Women Part 1 of 2-Monday, March 17, 2008-12:29 midnight EST

Men vs. Women Part 2 of 2.