Last Tuesday I went to see my therapist. My regular cab driver came to pick me up in his regular attire, a red shirt, a half combed afro and long finger nails. I can’t stand a guy with long finger nails; it grosses me out for some reason. Well, when it comes time to paying the cabby I do so once a month so that I only have to reach up and take the chance of touching him once. But this month I needed to pay him as I went which increased my chances of touching him. So, Tuesday I climbed into the cab, coffee in hand, money in hand and what happens? He reaches back to take the money and I’ll be damned if his finger nails weren’t dirty. Under ONE finger nail was something brown. Oh shit, what am I going to do now? I’m in a cab with a guy who has long finger nails and they’re dirty!!! I’m trapped, like a caged animal I’m trapped!! But I can’t panic. I’ve gotta catch my breath, think, think, think. I figured I could always tuck and roll out of the cab and take my chances with highway traffic. The mug might not make it but so be it. I have to calm down, the therapy office isn’t that far, I think to myself. It was a long ride, a very long ride. He grossed me out so badly I couldn’t even finish my coffee. It got wasted, so I figure the man owes me a cup of coffee.
Other stuff that grosses me out thoroughly and falls under the “now that’s just nasty” category:
- Mud. I’m not a fan of mud.
- Huge black fancy goldfish. Do you see the size compared to the little guy? Look at those eyes and tell me you’re not squirming. Have you ever seen one of those buggers look at you? It’s not good, not good at all.
- Commercials that show a close up view of dust mites.
- People that cough or sneeze without their mouth covered.
I was in the kitchen waiting for my turn to get in the fridge when the most unholy act of all occurred right there before me. Barney sneezed into the open refrigerator without covering his mouth. It seemed as if he sneezed forever, maybe 30 times in a row. I felt my knees weaken. I had to get a hold of myself because passing out on that kitchen floor wasn’t an option. The floor hadn’t been mopped in days. If I passed out I’d be laying in a good three days worth of crumbs and God only knows what else. I had to keep it together. I had to call Hazmat then Sears to get a new fridge. That’s what I wanted to do but all I did was take a few deep breaths and walk back to the sterile area I call home.
How am I to cope with dirty long male nails and sneezing Barney Fife look-alikes? How do I put up with so much and stay so humble, grounded and full of reason? 
How do I do it? In the midst of germs everywhere how am I to think clearly, act reasonably, and stay healthy? Somehow, by the grace of God I go on. Oh I do. I go on and on and on …..
Random Friday: Now That’s Just Nasty-Friday, March 21, 2008-2:12AM EST
You poor thing, it’s a wonder you’ve endured life this long. Chin up, old girl, if nothing else you can use the cabbie’s dirt rimmed nail and Barney’s unholy act of sneezing into the fridge as the means of feeling self-righteously superior.
The next time you begin to question your own self-worth, just think (with a big huff, of course), “At least I clean my nails! At least I don’t sneeze into the fridge!”
I’ve found that deliberately feeling holier-than-thou helps get one through the tough times. I can attest to the invigorating power of comparing oneself favorably to those who, let’s face it, are just flat out inferior.
One can expand this mental exercise to include crooked politicians, slutty pop singers–oh, the possibilities are endless. There is no reason to limit this superior mindset. If you practice practice practice (in line at the grocery store, with lazy, drunken neighbors) why, before you know it, this kind of thinking will come naturally to you. You’ll find that you feel better about yourself than you have in years.
To give an example from my own life, I was feeling rather crummy about myself for no particular reason, then I read your latest blog post.
“Aha!” I cried fiendishly. “At least I don’t disdain ordinary, every day mud. At least I don’t hold grudges against black fancy goldfish! At least I let dust mites live and let live!”
And the results of these thoughts? Why, I feel so much better about myself. I don’t know how you make it through your days with such hangups, but right now I feel marvelous, darling, simply marvelous!
(Sorry, not awake yet.)
“I’ve found that deliberately feeling holier-than-thou helps get one through the tough times. I can attest to the invigorating power of comparing oneself favorably to those who, let’s face it, are just flat out inferior.”
ROLFLMAO!!!!
Since we’re the only people commenting anymore on each others blogs (everyone else seems to have disappeared) then I figured I’d go ahead and comment on my own entry here. Here’s an extra jab to you Beauty, Beautymeister, Meister of Beauteous things…..
That was a blog entry dahling, a blog entry but glad you’re feeling mahvelous, just mahvelous. I myself find it quite uplifting to look down on the little people. It lets me know just how far behind mortal man is to me
Condescendingly,
Your Queen Austin, aka Aussiemeister, Meister of Aussieness
im here! im actually here
ew! long nails on a man grosses me out too. yuck. im not a fan of long nails period. and dirty nails – gag.
me, i couldnt stand a dirty floor. pet hair is about all i can tolerate, but only for so long. food crumbs do not make it to my floor. i dont do food that makes crumbs. even the beau doenst like them, and we both eat things prome to make crumbs outside. i couldnt live with a roomie like you do. i dont know how you do it.
ps – thanks for thinking of me and sammy
i miss her, but i am happy to have had her with me for so long. such a good kitty. im not really grieving now. i feel it more fair to God if i remember her with joy, because He gave her to me, than to go on being sad and make Him feel bad.
kïrstin♫
holier than thou? i have some suggestions. people who walk into a door, and then just stop. nevermind that someone else is going to need to pass thru that door sooner or later. no just stand there and drool. we were at the motor vehicles office yesterday for two hrs because – silly me – my licence expired in january. oops. we saw people do the door stop over and over. the other thing they wanted to do was, if they chose to stand as we did, to come over and stand close enough to us to get personal. one woman almost stepped on my foot. not that there wasnt a lot of room … there was plenty of room. people do this in grocery lines too. come right up behind you like they want to lean on you. ive been known to step back hard and make them back up. i dont like people that close. jeez!
k
None of you are invited to my house – none of you. Ugh, just TRY to keep it picked up, dusted, hair free, dust free – all with a four-year old who can mess up a room faster than you can say “stop it.” And a husband who thinks nothing of tromping dirty mud in on my nice clean floor.
Does that mean somehow I should feel slighted here? For one, I know I have been better about commenting lately since I learned how to use a reader to keep up with blogs and then living on a farm, keeping finger nails clean is something I’ve long since given up on. I’d like them to be clean but know the odds of that are not good when you do what I do. lol
Risingrainbow,
oops. How could I exclude the comments from our rainbow, The Meister of Rainbows on the rise? One must forgive me, I’ve had little sleep.
Austin Meister