Monthly Archive for April, 2008

A Million Pieces

Published
by
Austin
on April 30, 2008
in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Therapy
. 3 Comments

I know when I’m closed off it means something intense is going on inside, something intense that I just don’t want to feel or deal with. I wasn’t sure what it was until I sat in therapy and it came to me that my neighbor I’m helping care for told me I’ve been different since last Wednesday. I asked Dr. D what we talked about. It seems the whole sister issue came up yet again. I really have trouble with that one. I’m not use to feeling so angry with her or let down by her. I’m just fine with being pissed at the mother. I can see her for who she is but I’ve always had a fantasy view of my sister. She’s always been my big sister, the one that hung the moon. The one that I brag about because she is such a great seamstress. She’s pretty and smart. I always looked up to her. Yes, I did her homework, I gave her my food rations, I fought for her when other kids beat up on her and all that jazz. I never hit her back when she hit me. I even tried to show her how to leave when the mother used the dowel rods on us. Still I looked up to her. I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. But now, to look at her sexual abuse of me makes the face I painted for her turn ugly.

I stopped caring a very long time ago about my mother’s approval but I felt like I needed my sister’s. It hurts beyond belief to look at her as the person she is and catch a sharp resemblance of my mother.

Continue reading ‘A Million Pieces’

Dear Harley Davidson

Published
by
Austin
on April 30, 2008
in Humor
. 0 Comments

Dear Harley Davidson

Wednesday April 30, 2008 at approximately 2:50PM the unspeakable happened. I was on my way to therapy (thank God because I needed a professional’s help to process what I saw) when out of the corner of my eye was a man who took one of your bikes, painted it cobalt blue then added orange, yellow and red flames. The offender even had a cobalt blue helmet with a flame on the side. I am so sorry this has happened. The only thing that could have made this day worse for me would have been had the offender spun his back tire on the head of a beautiful sunflower. Had said offender done this I’d be in a total state of shock and unable to report his heinous acts against your company and all who appreciate your products.

Continue reading ‘Dear Harley Davidson’

Closed Off

Published
by
Austin
on April 30, 2008
in Depression, Mental Health and PTSD
. 5 Comments

I don’t know what to say. I’ve been sitting over the keyboard with my head in my hands, looking down, rocking slightly. I just don’t know what to say. I’m closed off and pretty much shut down. It’s not often that I look at the screen and don’t know what to type. I just don’t have anything to say.

I was looking at paintings on Redbubble of flowers and thought about sending a few links to The Garden Lady. I thought to myself, I should send that girl in South Korea a note. I should write to this person and that person, tell this other girl I saw an old book she might like. I think about it but it never comes about. There was something about truckers striking over oil prices which made me wonder how my Florida friend is doing. I should write him an email. It just doesn’t get done. I look at the computer screen and nothing comes out. There’s only so long I can watch the little black vertical bar flicker before I get up and walk away. (I paused after that sentence and that stupid bar just sits there blinking impatiently.) I’m just closed off. I have nothing to say.

Austin

Everything

Published
by
Austin
on April 29, 2008
in Art, General Chatter and Pets
. 2 Comments

I really have been out of touch. I haven’t even blogged in several days.
I don’t know, I’m so shut down right now. For a day or two I felt pretty good then got smacked really hard with some flashbacks. I think I’m right back where I started the other day with the whole withdrawing from everyone and everything.

Upside Down Kats

A few new things - I’ve been getting postcard orders filled too. It paid off to show a few postcards to the people at the dental office the other day. One lady purchased 100 of them for retail purposes. I got invited to be a vendor at a Breast Cancer Awareness art show in Ohio.

My car is running, for how long I don’t know. I have to wait until the 3rd to insure it which means I won’t be driving it until then.

My neighbor made it out of his brain surgery well. I’ve been dashing over there to care for him and his three pooches. I’ll do that for the next 4 weeks. Grace turned 4 April 1st, Bella turned 2 on the 28th and Captain is working on not making it to 9. He keeps jumping the fence and running across the street to play with his buddies. These are the three pooches that I’m helping out with.

I was on the floor when I took this picture which is why they’re at this angle. A photo of them together doesn’t happen often.

That’s all for now.

Austin

Callous Abandonment

Published
by
JoanofArc
on April 25, 2008
in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, Mental Health and Therapy
. 2 Comments

Last nights dream was quite interesting. I was in a classroom at elementary school desks waiting for the group therapist to come in so those assigned to speak that day could talk. The group therapist came in and went directly to the chalk board and started crossing off names. As he called off the names of the people who wouldn’t be talking that day he put one white chalk line through their name. He then wrote 3 names on the board of people he felt needed to talk that day. After writing he handed us a workbook and told us information on how to understand these individuals would be in the book. He didn’t even let them talk. He just gave us a workbook and left the room. We were to understand that one survivor used a tiger as a service animal because of her severe PTSD issues. One lady is in a domestic violence situation because she doesn’t have strength in her voice to tell and the third person ended up being accused of a crime he didn’t commit and was killed in prison which affected a survivor in our group because he witnessed it. The group therapist came in, shook things up, told us one thing then did another and simply walked out of the room but not before turning the lights out and leaving us all sitting in the dark.

Continue reading ‘Callous Abandonment’

Six Word Memoir

Published
by
Austin
on April 25, 2008
in General Chatter
. 1 Comment

Enola tagged me for the six word memoir meme thingamabob.

Here are the rules -

1) Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

So here is my six word memoir:

Sunflower breaches stone growing heaven bound.

I don’t have a picture to go along with this to show a sunflower bursting through odds (stone) so I’ll have to be a bit pitiful and slap up a few new art pieces that have sunflowers in them.

Pleasant and Pleasant Petals by F. Magdalene

Pleasant Pleasant Petals

I tag:
Because I’m so late on this there’s no one to tag

Dear John of CarrotsHiccups.com

Published
by
Austin
on April 24, 2008
in General Chatter and Humor
. 0 Comments

John
carrothiccups dot com

I’ve been getting carrot hiccups for years. Well my wife, Carol, decided to look it up and found your site. I agree that there should be a site to support this odd affliction, and since I’m into blogging and have the carrot hiccups I’ll pick up the gauntlet and start the blog. I just ordered the domain and am waiting for it to resolve. carrothiccups dot com will be up soon. Give it a few days. Of course “The People Behind My Eyes” blog will have an honored spot in the links portion of the new Carrot Hiccups site. So please drop buy and share.
JP
From Hiccups and Carrots Support Group, 2008/04/24 at 7:20 PM

Dear Johnny P,

I feel I deserve a bit more as I’ve been supporting your hiccup group for quite some time. I believe some sort of certificate, some sort of award (preferably monetary) would be more appropriate than a link. Who was there for all you carrots and hiccups people when no one else was? Me. That’s right, me! Who stayed up with you in the middle of the night talking you through the hard hiccup times? Me. And who gave you a place to congregate, to come together for support, understanding, validation? Me. That’s right, Me. And you want to offer a mere link? My gracious, how ungrateful. All the years I’ve poured into Hiccups and Carrots Anonymous and you want to give me a link! All the blood, sweat and tears reduced to a link. That’s what I get for trying to help. I’m nearly swept to the corner instead of hailed like the queen I am. So much for my carrots and hiccups kingdom. There’s been a revolution, my reign is over. Damn you JP. Damn you! Rebel! (Austin stomps off in a huff)

Really though, thanks for dropping by. You gave me a laugh. All you carrots and hiccups people are still welcome at The People Behind My Eyes cause I’m sure you’ve got more problems than hiccups, most people do. Read here about abuse recovery and mental health awareness. See art, read poetry and everyday life entries. Welcome all, the recovered and still recovering from hiccups or whatever. Sit back and get ready. I intend to make you think. Welcome to Sundrip Journals.

Austin

Five Things

Published
by
Austin
on April 24, 2008
in General Chatter
. 5 Comments

The author of Roses on The Moon tagged me for this. Here are five things:

5 Things Found In Your Bag (backpack)

Drawing pad
Black gel pens
Small toiletry bag
A little stuffed duck that use to be a PEZ dispenser
Peppermint candies.

5 Favorite Things In Your Room

These are just 5 things found in there, not favorites

Book shelves
A sunflower display on a wooden shelf above a framed print of Lady In The Trees. The display is high and the sunflowers spread out on the ceiling.
Cat fur lined drapes
A cabinet full of lotions of every scent, hair gel and small bottles of Purel.

5 Things You Have Always Wanted To Do

I’ve always wanted someone to come up with a mind reading machine so I didn’t have to type out stories I write in the middle of the night when I’m trying to go to sleep. Basically, I’ve always wanted to use a mind recording machine.
I still really want to dance with the guy that dances on the corner everyday. For some reason I just feel the need to get out there and dance with him.
I use to want a pet teranchilla but now I’ll just take a fish and be happy about it.
I want to learn to play golf.

5 Things You Are Currently Into

Painting
My iPod
Learning how to properly grow flowers- learning not to kill them is what I mean.
I’m into organizing the room I’m in now and filing things better.
I’m into golf. Since I know Tiger Woods rushes to my blog everyday to see how I’m doing I’d like to go ahead and send him a shout out. Hey Tiger!!!! Roarrrrrr, purrrrr <—– I love that man. I watch the golfers across the street every day and long to go over there. I WANT TO GOLF DANG IT! I do the girly scream every time I see his new commercial where he’s painting by hitting a golf ball full of paint against a canvas. When he signs it I nearly pass out. I love that man, almost more then Denzel Washington. Oh, since we’re talking about sports let me send a shout out to my girl Sarina Williams. Haayy! I’m sure I’m on her blogroll. hey Sarina, call me. You know the number. 555-Purr. Sarina, that’s power right there. My gracious that girl is good.

5 People You Want To Tag
I believe everyone and their brother has been tagged but I’ll go ahead and tag Tiger Woods, Sarina Williams, Denzel Washington, Forest Whitaker, Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty and last but not least Spiderman.

Hurt, Choices, Survivor’s Decree

Published
by
JoanofArc
on April 23, 2008
in Abuse, Mental Health, PTSD, Poetry and Therapy
. 8 Comments

Hurt

A cocky slouch in the doorway is mother peering in at the little girl on the unmade bed.
There are no ruffles, no white sheets or painted pictures on the walls.
There is no closet full of brand new dresses or chest of teddy bears and dolls.
Just your youngest daughter bound, motionless, emotionless, waiting.

Your slick black raincoat dusts the floor as
You take your time crossing the room.
Body quaking with intensity
Eyes focused on mine searching for any sign that I understand
You intend to make this hurt.

——
 Here it is nearly 4am and I’m up as if I’ve had a full night of sleep or something….like I’m going to be refreshed tomorrow and able to think. This whole therapy subject makes me want to vomit. Enola wrote a post talking about if she knew what she knows now about her healing path would she still choose to heal. I’m paraphrasing that. Even though this is incredibly hard and EVERYTHING is triggering and NOTHING pleases me right now I still have the choice to heal or not heal. I have the choice to get better or stay stuck. You know, that’s the difference between when I was a child and now. As a child I had few choices. I was hurt. Period. I did what I was told to do. Period. But as an adult I relish the thought that I have choices. They’re hard ones but they’re mine. And you know what? That’s freedom at it’s best. Choices. I like them.

My Survivor’s Decree

It is a daunting task to balance the past with the present and not curl up and cease to exist. My strength becomes less and less with each battle with depression, flashbacks and body memories. Every part of my life is touched by what happened to me. Sometimes I feel strong but most of the time I do not. I journal regularly so that I have a place to relieve some of the stress. When I write in my journal I’m given and outlet for these extreme emotions. There are times when I am tired of fighting for peace of mind but I understand I do not have to fight. I do not have to heal. I have the choice to heal or stay divided, confused, fearful and maimed. I have chosen to heal and God willing, I will.

………You intend to make this hurt.
You’ve planned this out but never did you consider my determination to make life good.
As you crossed the floor, eyes fixed on mine did you see hope that never dies?
Did you see a spark, the one that burns beyond black soars and ligaments
Fear and desperation
To ignite into peace
Peace of mind that dances with daisies then rests beside strong oak trees.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

Off the Mark

Published
by
Austin
on April 22, 2008
in Art, Mental Health and Pets
. 2 Comments

I usually handle the physical pain pretty well but right now I’m an irritable, angry mess. Add in therapy issues and poor sleep and you’ve got yourself one galactic bitch.

I’ve described chronic pain as a pair of glasses made for someone else that I’m forced to wear. I put them on and I’m to adjust my life to someone else’s eyes, a totally different depth of field and understanding of sight in general. I can’t see anything without it filtering first through those glasses. I can’t think straight in this kind of pain. Usually I do okay wearing someone else’s glasses, with my sight off the usual mark. But sometimes my vision is too distorted. My ability to function fails. My responsibilities fall to the way side and all I can do is wait for it to ease up. Usually I handle it pretty well. I go about my day, get stuff done and don’t complain outwardly. But add lack of sleep and therapy issues and I’m just pissed!!! I’m pissed, depressed and physically exhausted. That’s all I have to say about that.

My neighbor is having brain surgery. I’ll be taking care of his dogs while he’s gone. Three dogs, my dog and two cats and a bunch of me….this should be fun. Truthfully, I feel honored that he’d trust me in his home while he’s not there. He loves those dogs (he gives them beer but he loves them) and wouldn’t leave them with just anyone. They’re sweet. I enjoy my time over there. All I have to do is go over and let them out for a bit, fill their water bowl and feed them, that’s all. With my energy level the way it is it feels like a lot but really, I’m happy to do it. I know I just complained about pain and energy and everything but when someone trusts me with something precious I can’t help but accept the joy that comes with it. My twisted glasses do at least let me see that much.

Austin

Faded Moon

This is a shot from the recent full moon taken from the backyard.

Off the Mark
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 – 12:16AM EST