I know when I’m closed off it means something intense is going on inside, something intense that I just don’t want to feel or deal with. I wasn’t sure what it was until I sat in therapy and it came to me that my neighbor I’m helping care for told me I’ve been different since last Wednesday. I asked Dr. D what we talked about. It seems the whole sister issue came up yet again. I really have trouble with that one. I’m not use to feeling so angry with her or let down by her. I’m just fine with being pissed at the mother. I can see her for who she is but I’ve always had a fantasy view of my sister. She’s always been my big sister, the one that hung the moon. The one that I brag about because she is such a great seamstress. She’s pretty and smart. I always looked up to her. Yes, I did her homework, I gave her my food rations, I fought for her when other kids beat up on her and all that jazz. I never hit her back when she hit me. I even tried to show her how to leave when the mother used the dowel rods on us. Still I looked up to her. I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. But now, to look at her sexual abuse of me makes the face I painted for her turn ugly.
I stopped caring a very long time ago about my mother’s approval but I felt like I needed my sister’s. It hurts beyond belief to look at her as the person she is and catch a sharp resemblance of my mother. Continue reading ‘A Million Pieces’
Dear Harley Davidson
Wednesday April 30, 2008 at approximately 2:50PM the unspeakable happened. I was on my way to therapy (thank God because I needed a professional’s help to process what I saw) when out of the corner of my eye was a man who took one of your bikes, painted it cobalt blue then added orange, yellow and red flames. The offender even had a cobalt blue helmet with a flame on the side. I am so sorry this has happened. The only thing that could have made this day worse for me would have been had the offender spun his back tire on the head of a beautiful sunflower. Had said offender done this I’d be in a total state of shock and unable to report his heinous acts against your company and all who appreciate your products. Continue reading ‘Dear Harley Davidson’
I don’t know what to say. I’ve been sitting over the keyboard with my head in my hands, looking down, rocking slightly. I just don’t know what to say. I’m closed off and pretty much shut down. It’s not often that I look at the screen and don’t know what to type. I just don’t have anything to say.
I was looking at paintings on Redbubble of flowers and thought about sending a few links to The Garden Lady. I thought to myself, I should send that girl in South Korea a note. I should write to this person and that person, tell this other girl I saw an old book she might like. I think about it but it never comes about. There was something about truckers striking over oil prices which made me wonder how my Florida friend is doing. I should write him an email. It just doesn’t get done. I look at the computer screen and nothing comes out. There’s only so long I can watch the little black vertical bar flicker before I get up and walk away. (I paused after that sentence and that stupid bar just sits there blinking impatiently.) I’m just closed off. I have nothing to say.
Austin
I really have been out of touch. I haven’t even blogged in several days.
I don’t know, I’m so shut down right now. For a day or two I felt pretty good then got smacked really hard with some flashbacks. I think I’m right back where I started the other day with the whole withdrawing from everyone and everything.
A few new things – I’ve been getting postcard orders filled too. It paid off to show a few postcards to the people at the dental office the other day. One lady purchased 100 of them for retail purposes. I got invited to be a vendor at a Breast Cancer Awareness art show in Ohio.
My car is running, for how long I don’t know. I have to wait until the 3rd to insure it which means I won’t be driving it until then.
My neighbor made it out of his brain surgery well. I’ve been dashing over there to care for him and his three pooches. I’ll do that for the next 4 weeks. Grace turned 4 April 1st, Bella turned 2 on the 28th and Captain is working on not making it to 9. He keeps jumping the fence and running across the street to play with his buddies. These are the three pooches that I’m helping out with.
I was on the floor when I took this picture which is why they’re at this angle. A photo of them together doesn’t happen often.
That’s all for now.
Austin
Last nights dream was quite interesting. I was in a classroom at elementary school desks waiting for the group therapist to come in so those assigned to speak that day could talk. The group therapist came in and went directly to the chalk board and started crossing off names. As he called off the names of the people who wouldn’t be talking that day he put one white chalk line through their name. He then wrote 3 names on the board of people he felt needed to talk that day. After writing he handed us a workbook and told us information on how to understand these individuals would be in the book. He didn’t even let them talk. He just gave us a workbook and left the room. We were to understand that one survivor used a tiger as a service animal because of her severe PTSD issues. One lady is in a domestic violence situation because she doesn’t have strength in her voice to tell and the third person ended up being accused of a crime he didn’t commit and was killed in prison which affected a survivor in our group because he witnessed it. The group therapist came in, shook things up, told us one thing then did another and simply walked out of the room but not before turning the lights out and leaving us all sitting in the dark.
Continue reading ‘Callous Abandonment’
Enola tagged me for the six word memoir meme thingamabob.
Here are the rules -
1) Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
So here is my six word memoir:
Sunflower breaches stone growing heaven bound.
I don’t have a picture to go along with this to show a sunflower bursting through odds (stone) so I’ll have to be a bit pitiful and slap up a few new art pieces that have sunflowers in them.
Pleasant and Pleasant Petals by F. Magdalene
I tag:
Because I’m so late on this there’s no one to tag
I’ve been getting carrot hiccups for years. Well my wife, Carol, decided to look it up and found your site. I agree that there should be a site to support this odd affliction, and since I’m into blogging and have the carrot hiccups I’ll pick up the gauntlet and start the blog. I just ordered the domain and am waiting for it to resolve. carrothiccups dot com will be up soon. Give it a few days. Of course “The People Behind My Eyes” blog will have an honored spot in the links portion of the new Carrot Hiccups site. So please drop buy and share.
JP
From Hiccups and Carrots Support Group, 2008/04/24 at 7:20 PM
Dear Johnny P,
I feel I deserve a bit more as I’ve been supporting your hiccup group for quite some time. I believe some sort of certificate, some sort of award (preferably monetary) would be more appropriate than a link. Who was there for all you carrots and hiccups people when no one else was? Me. That’s right, me! Who stayed up with you in the middle of the night talking you through the hard hiccup times? Me. And who gave you a place to congregate, to come together for support, understanding, validation? Me. That’s right, Me. And you want to offer a mere link? My gracious, how ungrateful. All the years I’ve poured into Hiccups and Carrots Anonymous and you want to give me a link! All the blood, sweat and tears reduced to a link. That’s what I get for trying to help. I’m nearly swept to the corner instead of hailed like the queen I am. So much for my carrots and hiccups kingdom. There’s been a revolution, my reign is over. Damn you JP. Damn you! Rebel! (Austin stomps off in a huff)
Really though, thanks for dropping by. You gave me a laugh. All you carrots and hiccups people are still welcome at The People Behind My Eyes cause I’m sure you’ve got more problems than hiccups, most people do. Read here about abuse recovery and mental health awareness. See art, read poetry and everyday life entries. Welcome all, the recovered and still recovering from hiccups or whatever. Sit back and get ready. I intend to make you think. Welcome to Sundrip Journals.
Austin
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