I use to rent from an older lady, it was my first real home away from the mother. My bedroom was dreamlike with it’s soft yellow lace curtains in the bay window, an old fashioned vanity and a huge walk in closet. I had to climb three sets of stairs to get to my bedroom, which I absolutely loved. I had everything I could need in there. When I was home I didn’t spend much time downstairs with my landlord, I stayed out of the way in my room. Just when I thought things were going well she marched right up to me and said, “I might as well live alone. I thought you were going to be good company but all you do is stay in your room.” I was floored. I figured staying out of her way was what she wanted me to do. Although staying with her has bittersweet memories I have to say I learned a lot about life outside my mother’s home. What I thought was the norm wasn’t. I was simply unprepared to deal with functional people.
When the elderly lady approached me this way it reminded me of staying with my foster family in the 11th grade. I stayed in my room. I stayed out of the way. I spoke as little as possible. One day at the dinner table the foster father blurted out, “We can play this game too. We can be silent.” There I was caught off guard because all I was trying to do was not cause any trouble. I was trying to lay low, trying to not ruin that family like I thought I’d ruined my own. I just wanted the chance to stay there without messing it up so I was quite, reserved and evidently it seemed like I was playing games.
It has recently come to my attention that the gentleman I live with feels sometimes like he lives alone because I spend most of my time back in my own area doing my own thing. He’s not the type that does alone very well so when he comes home he likes to come home to someone, anyone. Staying back here all the time makes him feel like he lives alone. What a thought, someone actually wants my company. They don’t consider me a bother.
This is the third time I’ve come across this situation in my life and I’ll tell ya, I’m simply unprepared to live with another person without real concern that I’m going to become a bother. I can’t help but think the more a person gets to know me the more they’ll dislike me. They’ll find out just how jacked up I am. They think they want me to hang around, watch TV, eat dinner or just come out from time to time and chat but boy they don’t know what they’re getting into. They don’t know what they’re asking. And I don’t know how to do anything but hide. That is what I’m skilled in. I was not prepared for life with the half way normal nor was I ever given the opportunity to trust a family setting. This is new territory that I just don’t want to walk on. I’d rather leave things the way they are. Pay rent, clean up after myself and stay the heck out of the way. Doing so doesn’t allow for growth but it’s what I know how to do. I nearly have a PhD in staying out of the way hiding.
Life With The Functionally Dysfunctional-Friday, April 04, 2008-6:06AM EST
I really get this. I have a tendency to do the same thing, to keep to myself and try not to be a bother.
Growing up, my mother would frequently knock on my bedroom door and force me to join the family in the living room. She took great offense at my need for solitude. Of course back then I was mostly in hiding from a pervert. The hiding habit stuck though. Who knows if either of us would feel the need for so much solitude had we not been abused as children.
I think it’s kind of sweet that Barney wants more of your company. Maybe you could meet him halfway, spend an evening a week watching TV with him or something. Funny how when we are doing what we think others want (such as staying out of their hair) often our behavior is misunderstood!
Check in on Barney once throughout the day and ask him how his day is going. This could lead to a conversation, or it may not. Usually after a short conversation you can again retreat into your area and leave him feeling comfortable that there is someone else in the house. Of course, if he is a talker, this could be a mistake.
You’re never going to know if you’re fears are unfounded unless you put them to the test. Who knows you could find out that you actually like spending time with a person who appreicates you.