I believe I may be slightly irritated at every living thing and pissed off by anything that might move the wrong way.
When it comes to stupidity this girl is an over achiever. Now, I’d never say that to her face cause that’s just down right cruel but you know, people push ya and you just want to scream. This is what happened on the 6th of April: Usually if my phone rings at 4am it means someone is having a hard time. I immediately grab a Pepsi and get ready for a nice long phone conversation. I figure anyone who has my phone number is welcome to use it 24/7. I’d rather get a 4am phone call from an anguished friend than the coroner. Well, this morning the phone call came in from the ex-girlfriend who wonders if we still have the connection we once had. I took a deep sigh as she tearfully explained that we once had such a strong connection that it was as if one of us could pick up the phone to call the other and go, “What’s the matter?” She said she could still feel my pain but that she was really having a hard time and she wondered if I could still feel hers. “What is this about?” I asked. I mean, really, why ask me this at 4am? I figured something else was going on. Come to find out she was having a hard time and was upset that I didn’t sense it.
Note to all: If there’s something you’re feeling please do use your voice to tell me. Don’t send me brain wave messages then complain because I didn’t get it okay?
When she was here last week end she came in and said, “If you’ve been cleaning then why am I here?” I told her she didn’t have to stay, but she did. Now today she says that she felt she dropped everything and came over for nothing because I was doing better than she was. She said she’s in an emotional crash and that when she got here and saw that I was taking care of myself she wondered why she’d dropped everything. She was upset that I didn’t recognize that she was in an emotional crash. And since I was doing better than she realized she felt that being here was a waste of her time. She could have been at home resting but instead she came out here to care for me. So without my knowledge of her emotional state (because she failed to tell me and I failed to read her mind or pick up her signals) she spent the entire time here nursing undercurrent. That undercurrent mixed with something I said a year ago caused her great stress which is why she called me at 4am a week later. She needed to call and tell me that she was upset that I had her set aside her wellbeing to come over and take care of me when I really didn’t need her. She actually said that, I had her set aside her wellbeing to come take care of me then she got here and I didn’t need her.
Of course I told her that she has options and she has a voice. It would be nice to see her use both. She said she would always forget whatever she’s feeling and forget whatever physical pain she’s in, drop everything and run over here. She said she’d always do that for me. So we went round and around about how absolutely crazy that is, to say she’s upset that I had her drop everything then turn around and say she’s always willing to drop everything and do anything for me regardless of how she herself is doing. When she went on an on about how she would do anything to make me happy I just hung up the phone. I hung up in mid-sentence.
I suppose her breakdown with emotional manipulation couldn’t have waited until 10AM or later. I suppose she needed to call me at darkthirty to tell me she’s been stewing for a week about coming over her when I had pneumonia. We never got the chance to talk about why I got up and did what I did cause, well, it was again all about her. I also never got to tell her that no, I don’t feel the connection she’s talking about. I didn’t want to be hurtful and tell her just how unattached I am. I hung up so as not to yell and name call. I could feel my anger rising. If she’s as intoned to me as she says she is she could feel that anger too. I don’t know what her response was cause I wasn’t picking up the damn signal.
So why did I clean so much while in the middle of recovering from pneumonia? Not only did I feel useless laying around, I felt afraid. After the incident where the machine sprayed dye in my face as I laid with my hands above my head I ended up really struggling to stay grounded. I kept moving, kept busy despite the physical condition. I just couldn’t stop for fear of getting caught in a flashback. We did get urinated on and had feces put in our face. Laying there that day with that steady stream in my face, hands above my head really triggered a lot. Heck no I couldn’t just lay down and recover.
Slightly Irritated-Sunday, April 06, 2008-7:18AM EST
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Postcards excluded.
whew…what a story. I do not know what it’s like there-but it sounds different. No one I know would call me at 4 a/m.
It’s kind of an odd sort of thing-I’ve been alone now for over 10 years. At first I was not pleased about being alone-then I got really lonely,and then loneliness set in…and then,it sort of seems it got okay for some reason. It’s not so bad being alone as much as it once seemed and I’m better with it.
I will be honest-although I hope she never comes back…but my ‘rattlesnake bride’ has no idea how much I loved her and how we could have had a good thing with each other. Except she could’nt think well enough unless she vacuumed down a quart of whiskey…and then she really lost touch.
There were aspects of her that I miss a lot and think about…ahhh,well-all is well.
Just hope she don’t ring me at 4 a/m.
I appreciate your compliments on my writing.
Makes me feel like a million bucks-yup,it really does!
I enjoy reading what you are saying to-and I’m glad you are feeling better!
wink
Wow, it’s strange the things 4am does to people. You almost, mind you I say almost, have to wonder just how bad off she is if her reality testing is that far gone. Not that it’s an excuse since evidently she’s not actually psychotic or anything but it’s getting there - she evidently really believes you should be capable of mind reading.
On the ‘bright’ side, she has set herself up to come back to earth with a resounding thud later… there’s only so far you can manage to stretch the whole ‘i’m in a worse emotional place than you’ theme before it snaps. Clearly, if she has the energy to stew over that theme for a whole week she’s not that badly off - last time I checked manipulation was not a symptom of depression.
I too need to be doing something physical when I need to feel grounded. I never used to understand why when something emotionally upset me, I’d start furiously cleaning the house, regardless of how I was doing physically. Once I discovered my DID this was another piece of the puzzle to fall in place.
It sounds as if your ex has a strong sense of entitlement. Of course she wouldn’t simply tell you how she felt! Why should she have to? You’re supposed to be tuned into her every thought and need. How selfish of you not to be! Wow, she sure has a way of attempting to make everything your fault.