Wow, my therapist about threw me for a loop in our last session. He tossed something at me that I wasn’t expecting. I rather freaked out on him a bit. He explained himself as I sat there quietly, frightened, angered and in the “I knew this was too good to be true” mode.
We talked about how part of me really can’t stand Blossom but another part of me wants her company. I said that most of us can’t stand the girl but Destiny has “some use for her.” How horrible to say that but it’s true, part of us really just want to sleep with the chick. We felt horrible saying that about someone we detest but it is true. Then he said something about how Destiny is part of me and that when I mention a particular alter feeling one way he thought it might be important to bring up that the alter is part of me. I guess I thought he was telling me that he wanted me to think of myself as whole instead of divided and not continue to mention DID in therapy. Of course I went on alert. I mean, my goodness. But what he meant was that he wanted to let me know that even singletons have mixed feelings and that by saying “I” feel a certain way I can begin to integrate emotions instead of split them off. That sets so much better than what I thought he meant. I thought for sure he was about to tell me that switching was off limits. I figured from there he’d give some magical pill to make me a singleton. Thank goodness he didn’t lose his mind and tell me to act like a singleton when in his office. It really threw me. He didn’t tell me to use the word “I” instead of “we” or that I couldn’t talk about insiders. It’s not what he was saying at all. He was only saying that he wanted to point out from time to time that when I have conflicting feelings it makes me like everyone else, multiple and singleton.
We touched ever so slightly on how when I slept with Blossom it was with great anxiety and emotional pain and that sometimes it felt as if it was for the sole purpose of hurting. I know for certain it is mostly me that I hate, not Blossom. I mean, the girl is off her rocker yes but parts of her remind me of myself and that is what I hate so much. I hate the way she bends at the slightest upset. It reminds me of the helpless child I use to be. I hate the submission and complete disregard she has for herself. It reminds me of being wrapped in my mother’s control, unable to move, helpless, hopeless and willing to do anything to appease her. Sleeping with Blossom was very much like re-creating the abuse, almost like fucking the pathetic child I use to be. I almost feel the need to apologize for saying such a thing, that I’d re-create the abuse to punish the old me. I’m not even sure why but I know I did. I suppose I could say it’s not the sex that we needed her for, it was for the confused and complex mind fucking I do to myself. I’m not even sure why.
When we talked to Dr. D today we felt so evil inside. There was this hot fire, raw, black anger in me. The heat behind my eyes was enough to really frighten me. We kept our eyes low, hidden under our Cubs baseball cap. I don’t know if he could see both hot red evil and bright yellow cowardice fear. They were both there, vivid, strong and overwhelming. We finished off the session as we always do, by looking at art work. I went home, head still down, not willing to look him in the eye after admitting that self destruction is always on my mind.
I am by no means innocent in the downfall and sickness that killed our relationship. We had an emotional S&M thing going on. It became difficult to tell who was the sadist and who was the masochist and who set up whom to for emotional fall out.
I told Dr. D the point of saying Destiny wants Blossom around was to avoid ownership of horrible thoughts such as these.
Robert of Morton’s Pride
Self Destruction: Therapy Discussion - Tuesday, April 08, 2008-2:22AM EST
That’s a good point - saying that it is Destiny wanting Blossom around is a way to avoid ownership of thoughts. I do that too - I say “well maybe subconsciously it was sort of this.” Or when I wrote “this” came out. As if by saying it was my subconscious I was denying control over those thoughts and they weren’t really mine. I can deny ownership of those thoughts.
enola is right, saying another person inside is responsbile is a way of avoiding ownership or of having control. I know from experience it keeps us locked up in the web we want so desperately to be free of.
Yes, it’s hard for me to remember that if I speak on behalf of one my alters, it’s still me–it’s all me. I don’t experience my life that way most of the time. Most of the time I feel like it’s “me” vs. “them” (my alters.) I don’t find it easy to align myself with them and I’m not sure what that’s about.
I think we all (singletons and multiples alike) to some extent try to work out emotional issues within the parameters of our relationships. Everyone does that to some extent for we all bring our pasts with us into every relationship. Makes you wonder if anyone is ever involved with someone out of true choice, or because there is something about the other person they need in order to work out their issues . . .
I’m so happy someone actually commented on this entry. I sooo would have felt like shit had it been left alone. It’s an ugly post, greatly different from others I’ve written as I actually admitted to re-creating abuse and hating the child I use to be. It’s not your average “love yourself” post or “this is how you move past your past” post. I just kind of laid it all out hoping I wouldn’t scare off readers.
I’m going to go back and correct one line so that it’s clear the word assault has to do with the spilling of emotions rather than with physical abuse. The line I wrote about setting one another up or setting ourselves up for assault had to do with receiving an onslaught of emotional fall out which is why I called our relationship emotional sadomasochism.
Austin
Hey,
I am doing a psychology project on DID. We have to use a piece of writting from someone with the disorder. So I’m using this entry. (I hope you dont mind.) But it gives me more understanding of some of the problems that people with DID go through. It must be a huge struggle, for them, you.
Anyways, best of luck. And thank you.
-Mar
- Mar,
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Austin of Sundrip Journals
Hmmm alright then i’ll just find another thing to responde to. No worries.
Sorry for the trouble btw ^^;