Hurt
A cocky slouch in the doorway is mother peering in at the little girl on the unmade bed.
There are no ruffles, no white sheets or painted pictures on the walls.
There is no closet full of brand new dresses or chest of teddy bears and dolls.
Just your youngest daughter bound, motionless, emotionless, waiting.
Your slick black raincoat dusts the floor as
You take your time crossing the room.
Body quaking with intensity
Eyes focused on mine searching for any sign that I understand
You intend to make this hurt.
——
Here it is nearly 4am and I’m up as if I’ve had a full night of sleep or something….like I’m going to be refreshed tomorrow and able to think. This whole therapy subject makes me want to vomit. Enola wrote a post talking about if she knew what she knows now about her healing path would she still choose to heal. I’m paraphrasing that. Even though this is incredibly hard and EVERYTHING is triggering and NOTHING pleases me right now I still have the choice to heal or not heal. I have the choice to get better or stay stuck. You know, that’s the difference between when I was a child and now. As a child I had few choices. I was hurt. Period. I did what I was told to do. Period. But as an adult I relish the thought that I have choices. They’re hard ones but they’re mine. And you know what? That’s freedom at it’s best. Choices. I like them.
My Survivor’s Decree
It is a daunting task to balance the past with the present and not curl up and cease to exist. My strength becomes less and less with each battle with depression, flashbacks and body memories. Every part of my life is touched by what happened to me. Sometimes I feel strong but most of the time I do not. I journal regularly so that I have a place to relieve some of the stress. When I write in my journal I’m given and outlet for these extreme emotions. There are times when I am tired of fighting for peace of mind but I understand I do not have to fight. I do not have to heal. I have the choice to heal or stay divided, confused, fearful and maimed. I have chosen to heal and God willing, I will.
………You intend to make this hurt.
You’ve planned this out but never did you consider my determination to make life good.
As you crossed the floor, eyes fixed on mine did you see hope that never dies?
Did you see a spark, the one that burns beyond black soars and ligaments
Fear and desperation
To ignite into peace
Peace of mind that dances with daisies then rests beside strong oak trees.
Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride
I have all the faith in the world that you’ll make it though to the other side. I think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I’m thinking of you.
Oh yes, how wonderful to have choices! I don’t believe that “Time heals all wounds” as the old saying goes. One must still choose to be healed. For me, just knowing I’ve chosen that route helps during the harder times such as the one you’re going through right now.
Perhaps we’re only as strong as the choices we make. If that’s so, you have an underlying strength to see you through this difficult season. Your strength lies not only in surviving the abuses of your childhood, but in refusing to condone them now by continuing to say “yes” to life and healing.
I like having choices too. It is a wonderful feeling. But at the same time, choices are scary. I have to struggle not to give in to the old way of choosing what I ‘ought’ to or ’should’ choose, but rather what I really want.
You are a survivor. And I’m glad you are choosing to move on to a life of healing.
This is a strange quote of the day found on gmail.
Quote of the Day - Mike Krzyzewski - “The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions.”
I can’t say I agree with that but since I talked about choices this quote jumped out at me. To keep who from making decisions?
Austin
“Choices. I like them.” Yes, the strength, the freedom, & the joy to see the choices, to choose which one, and then actually bring it to life…to move through being frozen to stuck in reacting TO BEING ABLE TO RESPOND = The Power of Love/Amazing Grace….how SWEET it is!
and still so weird to me and in me after living without choices for so long.
“I have chosen to heal and God willing, I will.” I believe you will! And I believe you ARE! And it is exquisite and REAL……..and I am grateFULL that you are somewhere on this healing road with me. Thank you for choosing “yes”.
Take care of yourself.
If I weren’t such a hard core girl of “I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry” I’d drop a few tears of appreciation for you saying Thank you for choosing yes. That is absolutely wonderful but… I’m not gonna cry….dammit I’m not gonna cry. That is more appreciated than I can say.
Austin
If there isn’t anything else I’ve learned over all these years, I’ve learned this much… Crying doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
You’ve made your choice to heal. That puts you at the front of the line.
“That is more appreciated than I can say.”
Well, it’s true. I am grateful that you ARE choosing “YES”! That you are allowing your heart-mind-body to RESPOND while on this planet vs. only knee-jerking, headBUTTing, or body slamming. A matter of fact, I’m so grateFULL that I think…I’m…(oh no)…gonna…(not again)….CRY!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s better. (and my heart & body whisper “thank you” for lettinng us BE.)
yea, i used to be one of those not gonna cry girls, too. Still can be when that autopilot button gets triggered. But LOVE keeps on loving…melting my old hard crap…having its way in me…lo & behold, i’ve found a real live heart beating on the inside. Love keeps flowing…mixing/transforming…with or without my cooperation. And when my Body decides to join with my HeART to cry in response to something? Who am I to stand in tHE way of tHIS CHOICE?
Thank God Jesus wept…
Now, does crying make me human? Or does BEING (FREER & FREER TO BE) HUMAN make my cry? i need to go get some kleenex to weep over that one…
p.s. you’re welcome, austin.