Last nights dream was quite interesting. I was in a classroom at elementary school desks waiting for the group therapist to come in so those assigned to speak that day could talk. The group therapist came in and went directly to the chalk board and started crossing off names. As he called off the names of the people who wouldn’t be talking that day he put one white chalk line through their name. He then wrote 3 names on the board of people he felt needed to talk that day. After writing he handed us a workbook and told us information on how to understand these individuals would be in the book. He didn’t even let them talk. He just gave us a workbook and left the room. We were to understand that one survivor used a tiger as a service animal because of her severe PTSD issues. One lady is in a domestic violence situation because she doesn’t have strength in her voice to tell and the third person ended up being accused of a crime he didn’t commit and was killed in prison which affected a survivor in our group because he witnessed it. The group therapist came in, shook things up, told us one thing then did another and simply walked out of the room but not before turning the lights out and leaving us all sitting in the dark.
I know exactly why I dreamed this. Last Wednesday I walked out of the last part of my therapy session. We were talking about how hard it is to hear the birth name and about a dream where my sister kept calling me by my birth name. She then started dragging me by my hair to go talk to my grandmother (who I was originally named after). In the dream I was angry that the sister called me by that name simply because she does not approve of me changing my name. In real life she saw it as a slight to the family and as a show. She doesn’t feel the first name applies to me at all and that it’s silly and laughable that I’d ever consider myself worthy of having a name related to religion. But most of all she refuses to call me by my chosen name because doing so somehow seems like being disloyal to the mother. If the sister were to call me by my chosen name it would almost be like validating me. This is when Dr. D asked if I wanted validation from the sister and that’s when anger rose up in me so strong that I shut down, just like in the dream I shut down. In the dream when she pulled me by my hair and sing-song-like called me by the birth name I was furious and humiliated. The emotion was so strong but in an instant (in the dream) it all vacuumed together into a triangle and went to the core of me and disappeared.
The sister subject is a touchy one for me. He asked if I want her validation. That should be past tense. I wanted her validation. I wanted her friendship. I wanted a relationship with her. Now I’m simply angry and overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with her.
We talked about who I feel supported by. He asked what people in my 3D life I can hang out with and talk to. We talked about being more open on the blog than I am with 3D people. He asked why. I told him because on the blog I don’t have to see the disappointment on the faces of those who read and I don’t have to know if they disapprove or are disgusted by my experiences. I don’t have to look them in the eye knowing they know what was done to me. He asked if I’d ever shared this much with anyone in my 3D life. I said yes but it usually is too much for people to take and they end up slowly but surely backing off. I don’t see them anymore. He asked for a specific example. I gave one but I couldn’t remember all the details, only that she left. From there I just got angry. I had only a few minutes left but asked if I could leave. I wasn’t really asking I was pretty much saying, “I’m leaving.”
Part of my issue right now with Dr. D is being uncertain about a session we had a bit ago where he said he’d like to bring up from time to time that when I have mixed feelings those feelings normal for multiples and singletons. I’m not sure now if he’s going to want to know who he’s talking to. I think Amy Smiles (age 5) is feeling a bit abandoned right now because she really enjoyed showing him artwork at the end of the session. Now if he thinks its best that he only talk to me then he’s stolen her special moment. If he doesn’t realize when Robert pops out that it has to do with torture issues then how will we address those issues so that he no longer feels the need to show up with that kind of anger, get frustrated then leave? We told him our original person hasn’t even shown up to his office. Well, how does that now affect our therapy? Will he ask about each of us and what our issues are so that the issues can be healed? Or are we only dealing with one person now who has limited knowledge of what our issues are? If this is the case then he’s turned the lights out and left us sitting in the dark. But see we don’t know what his thoughts are it’s just that the subject is really touchy and hard to bring up. I fear the answer but the question needs to be asked before we attempt to deal with other things like validation from the sister and so on.
UPDATE: I called Dr. D this afternoon. He and I are on the same page.
Joan of Arc
Callous Abandonment-Friday, April 25, 2008-1:30PM EST
Interesting, I’ve also been having very vivid and telling dreams lately.
For me, it’s easier to blog about things, because people only read my writing if they’re looking for it. In the 3D world, they look at me as a neighbor, a friend, whatever. They aren’t looking at a survivor.
It’s better to let them keep their innocence.
I have PTSD, but I also have high blood pressure. I have been having panic attacks lately. The trick is to discover if the blood pressure spikes are triggered by panic, the panic is triggered by the blood pressure, or some of both.