Daily Archive for April 30th, 2008

A Million Pieces

Published on April 30, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments Tags: .

I know when I’m closed off it means something intense is going on inside, something intense that I just don’t want to feel or deal with. I wasn’t sure what it was until I sat in therapy and it came to me that my neighbor I’m helping care for told me I’ve been different since last Wednesday. I asked Dr. D what we talked about. It seems the whole sister issue came up yet again. I really have trouble with that one. I’m not use to feeling so angry with her or let down by her. I’m just fine with being pissed at the mother. I can see her for who she is but I’ve always had a fantasy view of my sister. She’s always been my big sister, the one that hung the moon. The one that I brag about because she is such a great seamstress. She’s pretty and smart. I always looked up to her. Yes, I did her homework, I gave her my food rations, I fought for her when other kids beat up on her and all that jazz. I never hit her back when she hit me. I even tried to show her how to leave when the mother used the dowel rods on us. Still I looked up to her. I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. But now, to look at her sexual abuse of me makes the face I painted for her turn ugly.

I stopped caring a very long time ago about my mother’s approval but I felt like I needed my sister’s. It hurts beyond belief to look at her as the person she is and catch a sharp resemblance of my mother. Continue reading ‘A Million Pieces’

Dear Harley Davidson

Published on April 30, 2008 in Humor. 0 Comments Tags: .

Dear Harley Davidson

Wednesday April 30, 2008 at approximately 2:50PM the unspeakable happened. I was on my way to therapy (thank God because I needed a professional’s help to process what I saw) when out of the corner of my eye was a man who took one of your bikes, painted it cobalt blue then added orange, yellow and red flames. The offender even had a cobalt blue helmet with a flame on the side. I am so sorry this has happened. The only thing that could have made this day worse for me would have been had the offender spun his back tire on the head of a beautiful sunflower. Had said offender done this I’d be in a total state of shock and unable to report his heinous acts against your company and all who appreciate your products. Continue reading ‘Dear Harley Davidson’

Closed Off

Published on April 30, 2008 in Depression, Mental Health and PTSD. 5 Comments

I don’t know what to say. I’ve been sitting over the keyboard with my head in my hands, looking down, rocking slightly. I just don’t know what to say. I’m closed off and pretty much shut down. It’s not often that I look at the screen and don’t know what to type. I just don’t have anything to say.

I was looking at paintings on Redbubble of flowers and thought about sending a few links to The Garden Lady. I thought to myself, I should send that girl in South Korea a note. I should write to this person and that person, tell this other girl I saw an old book she might like. I think about it but it never comes about. There was something about truckers striking over oil prices which made me wonder how my Florida friend is doing. I should write him an email. It just doesn’t get done. I look at the computer screen and nothing comes out. There’s only so long I can watch the little black vertical bar flicker before I get up and walk away. (I paused after that sentence and that stupid bar just sits there blinking impatiently.) I’m just closed off. I have nothing to say.

Austin