I don’t know what to say. I’ve been sitting over the keyboard with my head in my hands, looking down, rocking slightly. I just don’t know what to say. I’m closed off and pretty much shut down. It’s not often that I look at the screen and don’t know what to type. I just don’t have anything to say.
I was looking at paintings on Redbubble of flowers and thought about sending a few links to The Garden Lady. I thought to myself, I should send that girl in South Korea a note. I should write to this person and that person, tell this other girl I saw an old book she might like. I think about it but it never comes about. There was something about truckers striking over oil prices which made me wonder how my Florida friend is doing. I should write him an email. It just doesn’t get done. I look at the computer screen and nothing comes out. There’s only so long I can watch the little black vertical bar flicker before I get up and walk away. (I paused after that sentence and that stupid bar just sits there blinking impatiently.) I’m just closed off. I have nothing to say.
Austin
…these are feelings that I understand-depression is not as easy as some might think…the flashbacks are more trouble.
Cheering for you from Florida!
Friend.
I understand. I’m sort of in the same place.
Yes, this is familiar territory for me too. Sometimes there just isn’t anything to say and when that happens, the silence pretty much speaks for itself.
Just hang in there and things will come when you’re ready.
i remember a few years back being with a small group of women. we all had sexual abuse in our background. the word “should” (with all the pressures clinging & wrapped around it) got brought up often. one day, the leader responded by sharing that we do NOT have to “SHOULD” on ourselves or allow others to “SHOULD” on us either. i must say the sweet fragrant smell of her “suggestion” has stuck with me.
As for those many times when i have nothing to say &/or can’t fill in the blanks? For years, they scared me when i had no clue what/why so much pressure was being felt behind my “closed doors” — i.e., in my body, mind, etc. After making a decision to walk on this road into Healing, I found myself wondering…finally accepting…& then being grateful that at least in those moments in which I was shut down “up here” on earth…that down under some cool serious stuff was still happening 24/7 inside my “inner earth”…..whether I was awake or asleep, the Power of Love flows. Although when I am awake and closed off, I often find myself doing what i began doing in 2003 with a dear friend who was dying of a brain tumor. We would find ourselves quiet…simply present with our PALMS UP — literally and figuratively…..emotionally, physically, spiritually choosing for ourselves & our HEARTS to be OPEN — even though it didn’t always look or feel that way. This communicated so much between us — esp. sweet as her health & ability to talk declined. We would encourage each other with/through our “PALMS UP!” I look back now and am struck that this little hand movement wasn’t so much about opening my hands in order to receive something….but more about just being willing. that’s all. and that was enough in those “spaces”…still can be.
Sometimes just to unfurl my fingers is all I CAN do in those moments…those Sacred Spaces in Time. And sometimes I can’t even do that physically or emotionally…and that’s okay. (And yes, i WILL keep telling myself out loud “that’s okay” for as long as there is something inside me needing/thirsting to hear those conforting, compassionate, loving words.)
take care of yourself.