Subscribe to RSSTried It. Didn’t Like It!
I already knew when I walked in the door that therapy would be interesting. I had no idea one comment would lead to a headache of a session. I’m overwhelmed by the thought of a “few changes” that are taking place here at home but what Dr. D thinks about my views on parents and what he thinks I might deep down want are just dead wrong.
I told him that Princess Fife (Barney’s daughter) her husband and their 8 year old son will be moving in this house with us in a few short weeks. Of course there is much trepidation on my part because this means less privacy. I need my privacy. They won’t be living in my area at all but the fact still remains, I’ll share some space with 3 other people, one of which is a son of a bitch to the empth degree. I can handle Princess Fife and the boy but Prince Jackass is a bit much to take. He’s more OCD than I am he also has a very strong Obsessive Compulsive Personality. He needs everything and everyone around him to be perfect. Sorry, but that doesn’t work for me. So anyway, I told Dr. D that I understand why Barney won’t tell Princess Fife that she and her Slave Master can’t come here. I said, just like every little girl should, she’s got her father Barney wrapped tightly around her finger. It’s just the natural order of things. Every little girl should have her father wrapped around her little finger. Okay, so we went on to discuss the clear problems this whole situation presents but he got back to me and my father. I’m not sure why he can’t let go of the idea that there is a woman out here that has no longing for a father figure. I’m sorry but the idea of me having a father wrapped around my finger is totally different than what I think others should have. I can’t even think in those terms, of having a parental figure that I trust and depend upon or take for granted. Me and parental figures don’t mix. I’m sorry but I see parents as offenders. I look at Barney and his daughter and think “this is how it’s supposed to be” but I keep my personal experiences separate from them because if I don’t I’ll start looking for signs that she’s pretending to feel okay around him but in actuality he hurt her. If I do not put up a wall when watching normal interactions I’ll skew them with my own experiences which aren’t good ones.
For me, the thought of having a father is incomprehensible. So no, I don’t long for one or grieve not having one, not when I put parents into one grand category: offender. I tried the mother daughter thing, it didn’t work. I’m not going down that road again. I’m not even willing to try. My goodness, I’m not ever willing to trust to that extent. A mother to me is nothing more than a threat to my well being, physically and emotionally. My grieving strangely enough has to do with my sister, not my parents or the parents I should have gotten. I did grieve the loss of a good mother (eyes roll to the sky) but I’m through the grief and stuck on bitter. I no longer grieve the loss of the mother I should have had. I think anger and resentment took it’s place, and rightfully so. But to just assume we all deep down want a mother and father figure in our lives is just wrong. Check the source dude! Think about who my mother is and who the women in my family are. Think about how few men were in my life as a child and as a young adult then ask me again if I can come up with a fantasy view of a safe parental unit. I think not. I truly think not.
This brings me to the family that will move in here. The mother, father and son living under a roof with me. My goodness, one of my worst fears is being put in a family situation. Hell, I don’t know what will be expected of me. I don’t know the rules of a functionally dysfunctional family. So now I’m in a panic because it’s like, well damn, I got settled in here, got comfortable now I’m going to live with the f-word. The f-word and all my fears surrounding them. Just great! I’m going to be an alcoholic before it’s all over. I’ll be back here tore down every friggin night. My gosh! I have only a few worries about the boy. We all know kids are germ factories. I can deal with that to an extent ya know but what happens when they spank him? How often am I going to find myself shaking or in a flashback listening to him cry or worrying about how he’s growing up with Mr. I Control Everything? Oh Lord! Why the hell can’t they just get an apartment for a few months? Do they really need to come here??????
The parent’s bedroom will be the formal dining room. Yeah, okay so going to get a snack in the middle of the night might be a bit tricky. I can see it now, “Oh my gosh man, put that away I’m tryin’ to eat here.” There are soooo many problems with this, so many problems. And we only have 2 restrooms in this house. There will come a time when one of them asks if they can use my restroom. WTF? Come on!!!! OMG!!!!! We also know women need other women so Princess Fife will automatically want to bond. Fuck!!!! That means my personal space will become girl world where she and I sit over coffee and fucking bond. My gracious!!! Can’t I just have my house to myself? If I want to socialize I leave the house. When I come home I don’t come to socialize, I come to leave the world behind me, lock them out, forget them. Unexpected company is stressful. And she is the “must bond” girly type. Damn it!!! I like her, I really do but I don’t want to live with her. I talk to her on the phone isn’t that enough? Does she really need to live here and bring “that man”? The boy is adorable. She is fine but all three of them with me and Barney….oh my gosh that is such a disaster. Alcoholic, I’m so going to be an alcoholic. I’ll probably develop a nervous twitch or start babbling to myself. OMG this isn’t good.
I so want to cut off the finger that has her father wrapped around it.
Destiny
Jay London - “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”
Tried It, Didn’t Like It-Monday, May 05, 2008-10:15PM EST
2 People have left comments on this post
May 6, 2008 - 03:05:31Oh my goodness, you’re in for quite the home invasion!
I don’t even know what to say, except that I know that I would feel much as you do if I suddenly had 3 virtual strangers descending upon me, and sharing my living space.
I hope you’ll do what you can to keep yourself safe. Feel free to call me if you need to talk!
Poor Austin, there’s no way this is going to be a day at the beach for you–but I know you will get through it one way or another. You may be a drunk who now spends all her time at the corner pub telling long winded stories no one listens to–but you will get through it!
Get yourself a little hibotchie and lock yourself into your area until they’re gone. From the way you discribe Prince Jackass, I’d want to keep as far from him as possible. If he would get smart with me, my first reaction would be to shoot him. And somehow I just don’t think he’s worth it.
This is going to be a rough few weeks. Good luck.