At Wal-mart the other day I was paying for my items when a woman said to me, “I know you from somewhere.” I looked confused and said I wasn’t sure where from. She asked me my name. I gave her a name. She kept looking at me with this “I know you” look. I asked her name, playing along like I had no clue she’s a friend of my mother’s. I walked away having pulled off the best acting job I’ve ever done.
A different time at Wal-mart I figured I’d save some time and cash a check there instead of making a run to my bank. I figured I was already there so why not cash the check. I gave my ID and the man said there was a problem with me cashing the check. He asked me if I’d ever changed my name. He asked me what that name use to be. I said it didn’t matter what that name was because it no longer exists. I had proper ID, my SS# matches and that’s all the questions I was going to answer. That’s the first time since changing my name that anyone has ever asked me that. Of all places Wal-mart wanted to know if there was another me out there. I should have just gone to the bank. It was a friggin $50 check and not worth the hassle. I’ve banked with the same company, used the same phone company and everything else I had before I changed my name. They all got the paper work and there were no problems. Years later Wal-mart wants to know what that name use to be. Give me a break!
It’s been one heck of a week. I seem to have lost my ability to say no to people. I think I lost it somewhere between running into a friend of my mother’s, two hard therapy sessions, Wal-mart fiascoes, dealing with the home invasion and vivid nightmares. I didn’t tell Barney to move the dowel rod for a full week. I tried to move it myself but couldn’t even touch the thing. I just left it there until I absolutely couldn’t stand it anymore. Before he bought the thing to put in more kitchen cabinets he said to me, “Do you have my extra dowel rod?” Of course I wasn’t expecting that question. The look on my face caught him by surprise as did the tone in my voice when I said, “No. I.do.not.have.your dowel rod.” I kind of shook my head as if to bring myself back to 2008. I explained that my reaction must have seemed strange but I didn’t go into detail as to why. I just told him I realized my reaction seemed irrational and I was sorry about it. He went out and bought several, laid them on the kitchen counter, did his thing in the kitchen and left one lying out. Gracious! He had no clue it was triggering because I felt too embarrassed to tell him to move it.
I did not tell Dr. D I was worried about a few things. I didn’t tell him how the whole issue of trust really pisses me off or that he’s wasting his time talking about me wanting a father figure in my life or that Amy Pink feels robbed by him.
I did not tell my neighbor I was too tired to help him out two days ago. The man had brain surgery for crying out loud and he only asked me to go get his mail but it still seemed like a major task. It felt like he asked me to trek to Alaska and back. I didn’t want to get his mail but I didn’t have it in me to tell him no. He should be back on his feet in another two weeks. I feel so overwhelmed with the thought of two more weeks. I like him. I like his dogs. It’s just the timing is bad. His daughter comes up on the week ends to care for him so I have week ends with nothing to worry about as far as that goes. I hate to sound like I’m complaining about caring for him cause it’s not him it’s the timing.
Barney told me his daughter failed to pay the utilities the last time she lived here and they were turned off. He’s going to let them move in and again tell them they have to pay the utilities. He said they might get turned off again and that if I’m ever suddenly in the dark I’ll know why. I didn’t say a word, not a word. I just walked away.
This evening I abandoned the pizza routine and had baked chicken, au gratin potatoes, green beans and garlic bread. I made enough to have some for tomorrow. Later I climbed into a hot bath tub lined with candles and just a touch of baby oil in the water. It was quite nice.
Every single second of peace and quiet here is pure gold. Every time I choose not to use my voice makes the next time even easier not to.
Joan of Arc
Where Is My Voice?-Thursday, May 15, 2008-1:22AM EST
I don’t understand the Wallmart thing. Why would they need or want to know your previous name when it’s been awhile since you’ve changed it? That just doesn’t make any sense. If they insisted, to me that would be prying unless all they had on record was your previous name.
It sounds like you’ve had a pretty rough week. The hot bath helped, I’m sure. I also find them very relaxing.
Walbaztard sucks.
I was going to comment more but I’m stuck on the hot bath with candles and baby oil. Wow that sounds nice. I think I might borrow that idea for myself tonight.
Julie-
Hey there
Well, I’ve never cashed a check there before so the only info that should have popped up was the new info. It was just a crazy and very unexpected thing.
You’ll get your voice back–we all go through times where we can’t seem to articulate more than a grunt or sigh. As for the dowel rod, that’s totally understandable. It’s kind of how I fell into a trance when I stood there modeling my mother’s robe…and couldn’t say a word when Sissyface told me of its origins.
This is so true: “Every time I choose not to use my voice makes the next time even easier not to.” It’s a little scary how easy it is too pull back like this, to become smaller (I sometimes think of it this way–that I’m trying to take up less space in the world).
I do the same thing with shame–once I start feeling I have to hide things about myself, it’s hard to stop, I can quickly get going and become more inauthentic bit by bit if I’m not careful. This is a good reminder of how easy it is.