I feel so self conscious and very needy right now. This isn’t the normal me. I don’t cling or need validation at every turn, not usually anyway. Right now I’m worried that this and that person will be angry with me or I’ll do something foolish and push people away. I feel lonely and basically not like myself. All the self loathing has me physically exhausted. Well why wouldn’t they go away you stupid….blah, blah, blah. Shut up please!!! I’ve even been begging in my dreams. I don’t beg or plead but recently it feels like my heart only does those two things followed by deep, deep sorrow.
Today a friend called to moan about no longer having a maid to clean her apartment. She said she had to clean the apartment all by herself and make her own dinner. I thought to myself, please call me when you have a real problem. But I said nothing. I just listened UNTIL she said, “I wish I had someone like Maureen that I could pop out and have clean my house.” Oh no you didn’t. You didn’t go there. You wish you had been so damaged by abuse you split off into parts that function separately? And please don’t go, Oh that’s not what that means. It just means I wish I had extra help. Well, it’s not extra help just by itself. It’s extra help with issues. So just don’t go there. Besides, why bring up Maureen, who has been MIA for months just cause you had to fire your maid? Gracious!!! Too sensitive of a topic to just toss out her name cause that bitch is too damn lazy to cook or clean for herself. You don’t work. You don’t do anything at all and you have a maid? Girl stop, please, cause I can’t take it.
You know what? I want my girl back. I want Maureen back but it’s not like I can say, hey ya know, let’s let bygones be bygones. Forget everything Robert has ever done or said and just lets all get along. I’m sorry but I hate that boy. That is awful to say but I do. He’s the reason she’s not here. Of course that’s not true. Our mother is the reason Robert is here and ………….oh fuck it. Okay, I need to stop yelling. I know why she’s not around and I know she can’t be around right now but my goodness I miss her. And it didn’t help to have her name come up in some stupid insensitive comment about a maid. I’m sorry you had to clean your own apartment today, all alone, with no one to help you. How. Do. You. Do it? Oh the suffering. Get a life, for real, get a life! And call me when you have a real problem. Hell did you think about the fact that your maid has a teenage daughter and a preteen son to feed and care for or are you just upset cause you have to dust? Girl, stop! Just stop it now!!! I don’t even want to hear it. Oh my gosh then to bring Maureen into? Maureen is not our maid. She’s my friend, my sister, my life long buddy that I miss terribly. For the love of Pete don’t go wishing her back just cause you had to let your maid go. Life, get one, quick.
Today I made a pineapple upside down cake she would have been proud of. The house was so clean the other day that I wished she could have seen it. She would be shocked to know we’ve been trying really hard to keep the place up. The ash trays are empty, there are no pop cans sitting around. We do have clothes behind the restroom door though. Gosh, it makes me sad to know the little things are meaningless right now. Those slight irritations she had with us I’d give most anything to hear her rant and rave about. The office has even been clean but she hasn’t gotten to see it. It’s almost like, look, see, we did this right, we cleaned up after ourselves, you won’t have to work so hard. You can come back now. But it’s not about that and I know it. I guess I have to try and let this thing happen with Robert and therapy but it’s so hard because it means a total change in everything. I feel badly saying I don’t like the kid. It’s not his fault yet it is his fault. I want him to go away but it’s not fair to tell him he has to be just how he is forever because the rest of us want our friend back. How can I justify neglecting his healing just so I can chat with my friend? I know she’s okay. I know where she is. I know she’s safe. I should be quiet.
Even after all that ranting and raving I still feel afraid, angry, lonely, tired and frazzled. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.
I Feel Different-Sunday, May 18, 2008-1:31AM EST
That was a totally uncalled for and rude comment from that person. I was like “WTF!” Poor baby, now has no maid. I’m fuming. You should see the smoke coming out of my ears.
I really hate when people make insensitive comments like that. It doesn’t happen to me often, but when it does, it brings up a huge amount of “stuff” for me. I’m sorry your friend spoke before thinking…which seems to be a huge problem in our society!
Sera (aka Fallen Angels)
How unsensitive, she was!! It felt good to feel your anger at her…I guess, I need to feel some of my own. Why is she your friend…sorry if I overstepped on this question. (I always feel like I have to apologize for just being, so to write comments has been difficult, so I relate tho what you were feeling at the beginning) Did it help you get out of the mood you were in?
ClinicallyClueless-
I should have said acquaintance because it’s not like we’re actually friends or anything. She is actually a friend of a friend.
Actually didn’t help much at all. It was a fruitless rant/rave session.
Don’t worry too much about how you say things in comment here. The only time I have an issue w/ people is when they leave comments telling me to “get over myself” or “I bet you’re faking” or if they yell and act stupid to others that comment. This is a pretty open blog but sometimes people come here for the sole purpose of tearing down, that I don’t go for. For awhile I had a person here doing that and I needed to toss up a comment policy to let her know it wasn’t acceptable to bring her chaos here.
Lengthy comments aren’t a problem either. As you can see from this comment here I go on and on and on.
Sooooooo………
“Why is she your friend” isn’t anything at you. You’d be surprised what people ask me….and surprised that most of the time I answer it.
By the way, I found your blog through KatM’s blog Finding the Light in the Darkness
Austin
I had a friend who used to ask me on a regular basis if Funnygal, my MIA part, had returned, because without her “no offense, but you’re becoming boring….”
I have a part who reminds me of Robert. I’m not too fond of her either. But she contributes things no one else does or is capable of.
I’m sorry things are so unsettled for you right now. No words of wisdom, just a short comment to say I can empathize with everything you wrote.