Dear Sister,
I have to leave you alone now. This letter will be jumbled because I’m not use to feeling what I feel when I think of you. I’m use to singing your praises. I’m use to telling others I couldn’t stand the way you screamed but never have I felt so angry and so hurt when I think of you. I use to just be sad and long for you but in the last few months when I think of you all I want to do is bend over and cry.
When we were kids, though I didn’t understand you at all, I figured we had something big in common and that gave us a secure bond. I thought the abuse was enough to bring us close together so we could out wit the mother, stay one step ahead of her together, be each others confidant. I thought we could be friends. I saw you in nothing but light. Despite being disgusted by your reactions it never changed how I felt about you. I was disgusted by your reaction, not you. That issue is my own and I know why and I’m trying to deal with that. But I want you to know it never made me think you were anything other than the source that hung the moon.
Right now I fight tears back and struggle to keep typing because its hard to know I held out hope for so long and had my eyes closed for so long only to be slapped in the face with your true reflection. I hate what you did to me. I hate myself for letting you do it for the sole purpose of winning you over. I thought you’d eventually come around and see me, that you’d like me. It’s strange that you lived in my shadow but it was I that looked up to you. The family bragged about my school work, about my art, about culinary accomplishments. It was always me, me, me. The mother says you resented that. I can see how you would. But I didn’t make them say those things. Saying those things didn’t make them stop hurting me.
I thought if I didn’t hit you back you’d see that I wasn’t like the family and maybe you’d treat me differently. If I gave you my food rations maybe you’d be a little nicer. If I did your homework for you, studied with you and walked you through different tasks maybe, just maybe you’d come around. If I served you hand and foot maybe you’d come around. Why was it so important to me that you approve of me? I couldn’t care less if the mother approved or if her mother and everyone else in the family thought I was nothing. I wanted and needed your approval. Why? I’m not sure why it mattered so much to me. You did what they did to me so why didn’t your light dull the same as theirs? Why didn’t I see you for you sooner? All these questions I ask myself. It overwhelms me that I felt tricked and foolish for hoping so strongly.
Because it’s so overwhelming I have to put you away. I have to not work on you in therapy right now. It has gotten too difficult to remain safe and alive while working on issues with you. There was a time I would have gladly taken pain for you and times when I did but this time is different. I’ve got to let you go because I’m not willing, not this time, to trade me for you.
Sincerely,
Little Duck
Painting Notes: She Hangs The Moon (metallic acrylic, ink, multi-media on craft paper, 40 x 50) Detail 1, Detail 2 in the lab. Sorry for the poor photo quality. These are bad photos because metallics are hard to photograph. The photos also show a strong need for the painting to be pressed and mounted. I plan to do that soon so all the wrinkles in the painting are gone. The green hair symbolizes youth, the metal face is a facade of strength, the moon in her eyes symbolizes my belief that she was the best sister I could have ever asked for. The neck is long because they nicknamed my sister “chicken” saying she has a chicken neck. They nicknamed me Little Duck saying I have lips like a duck. Her eye lashes are exaggerated because she has the most beautiful eye lashes ever. Her hair is chopped off to show the humiliation she went through. In the finished version there are star flowers around her in the blue background. Most times in my art therapy flowers symbolize unspeakable emotion. Blue is her favorite colour.
She Hangs The Moon - Thursday, May 22, 2008-5:58PM EST
I love how you are able to really take care of yourself by making therapy days safe and by self-moderating what you can handle in therapy. My own denial often gets me into trouble, but I am slowly beginning to modulate the process. It helps me to hear how you do it. Thank you.
We’re listening.
There are times when therapy gets so hard that I have to tell him I need, for my safety, to step back.
I caught a break for therapy right now because there’s a holiday so no therapy for me until Tuesday. Sheshhhh, much needed break.
I had an offer for She Hangs The Moon painting but I decided to keep it. At first I thought maybe I could let this one go but I don’t think so. I can look at it and see past my sister so this therapy art stays. I’m actually going to have the painting pressed then mounted to hang in my hallway. I haven’t been this excited about a piece in quite some time.
Thanks for you comments guys, I mean gals
Austin
I once thought I could rekindle a bond with my oldest brother, who also was one of my childhood abusers. I think that’s part of the magical thinking that goes with the whole abusive childhood mentality. Why did it shock me to realize that the abuse he suffered turned him into a sour, hateful person? It was so hard to accept that he’d chosen that path, when I’d bent over backwards all my life to avoid going down the road of bitterness.
I feel for your pain, for your grieving at having to give up your sister. Your art work is so powerful and beautiful. I’m glad you know your limits and have set aside all your sister issues in therapy.
Sometimes all we can do is take care of ourselves. That’s all we have left.
I’m sorry that you didn’t come through this with a good relationship with your sister. I think all of us hope to come out the other side with at least one piece of our family intact but rarely does that happen. Abuse kills family.