The People Behind My Eyes

I had a conversation today about why it is a person would commit suicide. The person said to me that she decided a long time ago there is nothing so bad in this world that she needed to end her life. I listened, I was glad to know she plans to stick out her healing process. When a person makes a resolve to stay alive I support it but it doesn’t mean I don’t understand why someone would take their own life.

Let me first say that suicide is a very touchy subject. There are many survivors of suicide victims and there are many who feel suicidal. I for one feel suicidal quite a bit, especially with the way therapy has been going these last few months. Please know what I’m saying here doesn’t condone or condemn suicide. This entry will not go into the religious aspect that some put on it and it will not go into if it’s right or wrong but simply the mind set of a person (me) who has not only seriously considered suicide but attempted it. The other reason I’m writing this is because I’ve read on 3 different blogs about people feeling suicidal so I figured I’d go ahead and write my thoughts on why it is I can be driven to such extremes.

Many feel suicide is an easy way out and that it’s selfish and cruel to surviving friends and family. I personally feel this is partially true, but not entirely. I’ve thought about how much harm killing myself would be to my friends. I’ve thought about the impact it would have on others yet suicide is still on my mind. Why? Because even though my loved ones will hurt my focus is limited. It’s limited to needing an out now!! I have an impulsive need, a human response to seek anything other than the unbearable emotional turmoil I feel. I want the self condemning voices to be silenced. I want to not feel so filthy all the time. I want to not feel like a fake around others- different, odd, broken. I want that ever burning anger, the energy depleting depression, the fear inspiring flashbacks and the feeling of being trapped in my own mind to stop. When it comes to those things I reason within myself that my friends will understand why I chose to take m own life. This is poor judgment on my part but again, this is about what I’m thinking when I’m suicidal. This is about how I “reason” and talk myself into suicide.

Again, I’m not going to kill myself, I’m just trying to explain what goes through my head when suicide  becomes a plan of action instead of a wish. Please don’t think I’m going to log off and kill myself. I just want to voice why it is that some of us have taken the ultimate step of ending pain.

Every day struggles get to be too much to handle. Microwaving a meal is overwhelming. Opening a can of vegetables to microwave seems like a monumental task. The phone rings and we look at it with a heavy heart because we’re so closed up inside that talking to anyone at all is like being asked to run a marathon, come back home clean the house and function with the energy of a person who actually slept night after night in comfort. The smallest thing can be overwhelming and be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I was willing to take my own life out of fear that things wouldn’t change or wouldn’t change within a reasonable time frame. Eventual relief is too abstract. When I’m engulfed in emotional pain, drowning in my past and struggling just to put one foot in front of the other all that makes dying seems rather pleasant. It’s not that I don’t consider consequences, because I do, it’s just that my judgment is impaired by mental anguish. My eyes are focused solely on finding relief NOW!!! My energy is low. I feel what I had to fight with has long since been depleted. I feel stretched too thin and have too few resources to refuel my strength. All of this goes through my head. I think of how I can not take one more second of being me. And yes, all of this overshadows the hurt and pain of leaving loved ones behind.

Please, don’t tell me how selfish I am for wanting to die, just understand why and be supportive so that I can find short term relief to get me through the rough spot. If I feel stuck here because I fear people will think poorly of me then that’s another thing on my list to reassure me that my breath is wasted and worthless. Guilting someone into life only adds to anxiety. It’s simply not helpful. I’d hope people would avoid phrases like, “nothing in this world is bad enough to die over.” For those who have said that, thank goodness they don’t know there are things worse than death. I hope people will avoid shaming, minimizing the suicidal person’s feelings by saying they always feel this way and never do it so why take them seriously now. I ask you to avoid condemnation and offer support, listen and try to understand where the person is coming from. Help them make it just a few more days. I know for myself if I get to the point where I feel I can’t keep myself safe I WILL go in the hospital. And I know it’ll take a few days and I’ll think to myself, thank goodness I didn’t go through with that. Give us some time, a lot of support and an understanding, non-judgmental ear. That’s what we need.

When I know that I feel unsafe I have to take measures to protect myself. I have to seek out support, as hard as it is I have to seek out support. There is a lot of information on the net about suicide but one must be choosy about what they accept as fact and fiction. On the page called My Resources I’ve added links to sites I personally found helpful in some way. The sites linked to on that page are listed to show what has helped me. They’re not therapy, they’re not tools for diagnosing or anything close to that. The page is a list of websites I’ve personally checked out, read over and found helpful in some way. I’ve recently added to the My Resources page is a section called Suicide Information & Survivors of Suicide. Please read the disclaimer at the top of the page. If you feel you can click responsibly and see this page as resources and not treatment then please read information on the following: Reliable DID Resources, Male Survivors Corner, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Self-Injury Resources (this happens to be the page I read the most) Information On Depression, Postpartum Depression, Suicide Information & Survivors of Suicide, Groups, Organizations & Other, Quizzes & Screening Links and Phone Numbers.

I read. I hope. I reach out and I try to understand where I’m coming from and where others are coming from. If you can do the same you’ll be most helpful to a person in crisis.

SEEK HELP. ACCEPT HELP. LIVE.

Austin’s August