This entry is a little more specific in a sexual nature than usual. It’s also rather open about sexual issues as a survivor.
Of course having her here was a disaster. I’m trying not to rock back and forth and I have the shakes.
I kept most of my word this week end. I made her eat her own food. She did not do any laundry. We slept in separate beds but I did end up sleeping with her. At the end she said, “Oh my god, that was amazing. You could have been a really high paid whore.” I got up, put my clothes on and took a walk. When I got back she was crying saying she didn’t mean it that way, blah, blah, blah. She then went outside on the porch and stayed for awhile, dropped some more tears.
You know why that’s my fault? Because I knew better than to sleep with her. I should NOT have slept with that woman. I know the hazards and did it anyway. So please do not leave a comment about how that is not my fault. If you touch a live wire, expect to get shocked. I got shocked.
What do I love about her? I love the way she looks at me. I like that she can see beauty in everything. She’s willing to dance despite knowing she can’t. She can be creative and funny.
What do I despise about her? She opens her mouth and says the most cruel things. She’s too technical in bed. She can see beauty but then quickly points out each and every flaw, the very flaws that make it beautiful. She wants me to instruct her to do everything. She wants me to think for her. She won’t do much for herself, she’s content to have the quick fix. When she needs to do something for herself she quickly shuts down and goes into the “I can’t” mode. She cries at the drop of a hat which is just annoying. She’s rigid and narcissistic. I don’t like her smokers cough or how gross she can be. The girl has no basic manners.
What do I get out of having her here? A regular dose of emotional pain, which I seem to need. I’m drawn to this person that is nearly the opposite of me. (She’s into science and sci-fi, conspiracy theory and false religion. She can’t let go of the 70′s. She believes everything she hears on TV or reads in the paper. She trusts easily, doesn’t see threats until they’re pointed out to her.) I always say the torture part of growing up was the worst, hardly every do I mention the sexual abuse. I re-create it with Blossom who really triggers my issues.
What do I think? Sometimes we hear about how women abused as children can’t give a bj anymore because it’s too triggering or people who seek it out and seem obsessed with it. I seem obsessed with it when it comes to women. We hear about women who are promiscuous after surviving an abusive childhood or women who go the opposite and refuse to have sex at all. I seem to be the type that has one person but that one person triggers major issues. I seek her out. I seem obsessed with performing OS on her knowing full well my mind is going to bend. I dissociate. I go on autopilot then think she’s disgusting when I’m done. I get up, go take a shower and cry into my towel. When she leaves I wash everything and try to get every trace of her out of my house. My fix is complete until I need to feel humiliated, shamed and belittled again.
When she opened the door to leave this morning she told me she loves me. I pretended to be asleep.
Oh, Austin. Thank you again for being so frank and honest…it really helps me. One thing that stood out in the end is that is sounds like an addiction cycle especially the shame and regret afterward. I am sorry for your pain. I know that you do not like to be touched, but do you accept virtual hugs? If so, consider yourself hugged.
I intended to acknowledge your comments the other day about the stuff on the PTSD questionnaire then things kinda got a bit typically crazy. I wanted to let you know your words did not fall on unconcerned ears.
until again,
Austin
We’re still not a couple. I’m still not dating the girl. I forgot to mention that I kept that part of my word as well. She ate her own food. I didn’t let her do laundry. We slept in separate beds. I screwed up on the sex part though.
I agree with what Clincally Clueless said about it sounding like an addiction cycle. This is what I used to experience (and no doubt would still be experiencing today if I were involved with someone) back when I always had a man in my life. Always the shame and regret. It didn’t have to be any one type of sex, any sexual intimacy would cause the whole ugly, depressing cycle to begin all over again.
I’m sorry you suffered in this way. I don’t know why we survivors do this to ourselves over and over again. It would be sick if it wasn’t just so unbearably sad.
You are right. The sex part was wrong. It was wrong because it’s not healthy for you. You said this, you know this, and you don’t need me to reiterate this for you.
However, and this is a BIG however….
However, you DID keep your word on the other things.
You did not take her back. She is NOT your girlfriend.
You did sleep in separate beds. You resisted falling asleep in each other’s arms.
She ate her own food.
These are big steps and not to be ignored. You slipped up. You made a mistake. You also recognized it. And it ended there. You did not take her back.
You made a step backwards, but several steps forward.
You’ve recognized it as “fix” and now it’s up to take try to find other ways to deal with things when you think you need the fix again.
I’m proud of you for keeping your word on all the other things. I know having her there was (to put it mildly) difficult.
Hugs (if you want them),
~Eni
Hello, I read through some of your blog and want to say how much I appreciate your openness. It’s been a comfort to me which I know isn’t why you write. I suck at writing about my feelings but I just want to say thank you.
Rosemarie sent me to find this entry because she thinks (and she’s right) I am also driven to re-create sexual abuse.
I can’t seem to be coherent about it, to talk about it myself, but… thank you for writing about this. It’s like — exactly like — hearing it from a trusted friend, and I feel less alone.