This entry is a little more specific in a sexual nature than usual. It’s also rather open about sexual issues as a survivor.
Of course having her here was a disaster. I’m trying not to rock back and forth and I have the shakes.
I kept most of my word this week end. I made her eat her own food. She did not do any laundry. We slept in separate beds but I did end up sleeping with her. At the end she said, “Oh my god, that was amazing. You could have been a really high paid whore.” I got up, put my clothes on and took a walk. When I got back she was crying saying she didn’t mean it that way, blah, blah, blah. She then went outside on the porch and stayed for awhile, dropped some more tears.
You know why that’s my fault? Because I knew better than to sleep with her. I should NOT have slept with that woman. I know the hazards and did it anyway. So please do not leave a comment about how that is not my fault. If you touch a live wire, expect to get shocked. I got shocked.
What do I love about her? I love the way she looks at me. I like that she can see beauty in everything. She’s willing to dance despite knowing she can’t. She can be creative and funny.
What do I despise about her? She opens her mouth and says the most cruel things. She’s too technical in bed. She can see beauty but then quickly points out each and every flaw, the very flaws that make it beautiful. She wants me to instruct her to do everything. She wants me to think for her. She won’t do much for herself, she’s content to have the quick fix. When she needs to do something for herself she quickly shuts down and goes into the “I can’t” mode. She cries at the drop of a hat which is just annoying. She’s rigid and narcissistic. I don’t like her smokers cough or how gross she can be. The girl has no basic manners.
What do I get out of having her here? A regular dose of emotional pain, which I seem to need. I’m drawn to this person that is nearly the opposite of me. (She’s into science and sci-fi, conspiracy theory and false religion. She can’t let go of the 70′s. She believes everything she hears on TV or reads in the paper. She trusts easily, doesn’t see threats until they’re pointed out to her.) I always say the torture part of growing up was the worst, hardly every do I mention the sexual abuse. I re-create it with Blossom who really triggers my issues.
What do I think? Sometimes we hear about how women abused as children can’t give a bj anymore because it’s too triggering or people who seek it out and seem obsessed with it. I seem obsessed with it when it comes to women. We hear about women who are promiscuous after surviving an abusive childhood or women who go the opposite and refuse to have sex at all. I seem to be the type that has one person but that one person triggers major issues. I seek her out. I seem obsessed with performing OS on her knowing full well my mind is going to bend. I dissociate. I go on autopilot then think she’s disgusting when I’m done. I get up, go take a shower and cry into my towel. When she leaves I wash everything and try to get every trace of her out of my house. My fix is complete until I need to feel humiliated, shamed and belittled again.
When she opened the door to leave this morning she told me she loves me. I pretended to be asleep.