Daily Archive for May 30th, 2008

I Blog Because

Published on May 30, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD. 9 Comments

We spoke up. We told and now what? We wait for the other shoe to fall. We figure people are going to read what we’ve said and see just how much we don’t deserve to be heard or believed. We worry they’ll examine our words and find some small inconsistency and bring it to everyone’s attention, calling us a liar and a fake. Now we have to be on our toes so that everything lines up perfectly. How? How on earth do we do that? Make it all line up and make sense to others when it hardly makes sense to us? What was consistent about the abuse other than that we were regularly abused? But we think others will look for inconsistencies so we begin to fret. We doubt ourselves, our writing and suddenly it all becomes clear. I’ve got to shut up. I need to stop writing or someone will find out who I really am. They’ll find out how broken I am, how I’m making more of this than I should. It all sounds so stupid when I write it anyway. All of this goes through my mind when I write an entry detailing abuse. Why on earth would someone read this blog or believe half of what’s in it and why do I care so much? Why do I put myself out here with such great vulnerability?

I have so many times written an entry and thought to myself, no one is coming back for sure after this one. People came back. I wrote more. No one is coming back for sure now. They came back. It surprises me that they do. I figure it’s a matter of time and I’ll get so intense on this blog that no one at all is going to read it. Why is it so important that they read? I can’t stand the silence anymore. I can’t stand people not knowing why I’m this way. So yeah, I speak, I tell things I’d rather not so people get it, so they understand I wasn’t created fragmented and broken. Someone worked very hard to make me this way. Continue reading ‘I Blog Because’

The High Price of Unrest- Revised

Published on May 30, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dreams, Mental Health, PTSD and Relationships. 1 Comment

This dream twisted and turned so many times it would be impossible to write it all down in chronological order. There were two strip bars, me marrying the mother from Little House on the Prairie; Pa married his daughter once I took his wife. My sister went to a strip bar looking to get laid. We went back and forth from Indy to Florida in that stupid Winnebago. Found two family members which do not exist, threw colours in the air, grasped at straws, fought with dogs, stole my grandmother’s car to get the kidnapped family member back to where she should be and visited an old restaurant that my mother ran into the ground when I was a kid. Boy do I hate, and never again want to revisit MCL Cafeteria.

One non-existent family member was kidnapped by other family members traveling from Indy to Florida in the grandmother’s Winnebago. They said they wanted to visit with her and would return her whenever they were ready to send her home. The young girl, about 14 years old, was an angry girl who yelled at her grandmother for having Alzheimer’s. It was clear the grandmother was trying to remember things but the young girl was overly angry at her. She was an unreasonable girl. Several family members and I watched her yell and scream then leave the grandmother standing with strangers, unable to get herself home. I went and got the grandmother and brought her back to the Winnebago. At the caravan the grandmother began throwing things. I don’t remember why. Continue reading ‘The High Price of Unrest- Revised’