We spoke up. We told and now what? We wait for the other shoe to fall. We figure people are going to read what we’ve said and see just how much we don’t deserve to be heard or believed. We worry they’ll examine our words and find some small inconsistency and bring it to everyone’s attention, calling us a liar and a fake. Now we have to be on our toes so that everything lines up perfectly. How? How on earth do we do that? Make it all line up and make sense to others when it hardly makes sense to us? What was consistent about the abuse other than that we were regularly abused? But we think others will look for inconsistencies so we begin to fret. We doubt ourselves, our writing and suddenly it all becomes clear. I’ve got to shut up. I need to stop writing or someone will find out who I really am. They’ll find out how broken I am, how I’m making more of this than I should. It all sounds so stupid when I write it anyway. All of this goes through my mind when I write an entry detailing abuse. Why on earth would someone read this blog or believe half of what’s in it and why do I care so much? Why do I put myself out here with such great vulnerability?
I have so many times written an entry and thought to myself, no one is coming back for sure after this one. People came back. I wrote more. No one is coming back for sure now. They came back. It surprises me that they do. I figure it’s a matter of time and I’ll get so intense on this blog that no one at all is going to read it. Why is it so important that they read? I can’t stand the silence anymore. I can’t stand people not knowing why I’m this way. So yeah, I speak, I tell things I’d rather not so people get it, so they understand I wasn’t created fragmented and broken. Someone worked very hard to make me this way.
I yell. I scream. I curse and spit. I cry and lower my head on the keyboard then I push send in total and complete fear that someone is going to tell me to get over it and move on and stop living in the past. Someone is going to tell me I’m an ass kisser, an attention glutton. Someone might say, hey, let go and let God. Someone is going to tell me this too shall pass and I’ll make it through another bought of flashbacks and depression in tact. They assume I’m that strong. Someone is going to say something minimizing or inappropriate. This hardly every happens anymore, thank goodness. But the fear is still there. I’m still scared when I press send. I still worry each and every single time I press send, this just may be the last entry anyone ever reads. The thought of it is too much. I neither want to be alone with my thoughts nor alone without them. I blog for some sort of connection with a world I truly do not understand. I blog to reach out to someone and hope maybe someone gets it, even for a little while, they get it and don’t think of me as some drama queen in need of a drama fix or a kid who won’t let go of her past and won’t grow. I risk abandonment, mocking, scolding and out right cruelty each time I press publish but I’ll keep doing it. Without this blog I don’t know if I’d be able to keep going. For me the risk of abandonment is worth it. Most times I don’t get abandoned. I get understanding. I really appreciate that.
Right now I’m afraid because I know the intensity level on my blog is high. My rant/raves are strong and loud with language to match. I worry the sexual things that come up will push people away and make them think of me as a pervert. But then I’m like, okay if I don’t say this and I keep it to myself then how will I know if anyone at all can relate to it? If I keep this all to myself, these thoughts and dreams and fears and emotions then how will I know if anyone else on this planet has ever thought or felt or dreamed these same things? I need to know if I’m alone out here in all of this. No, I don’t understand the world but it doesn’t mean I don’t long to be understood. I need it. I seek it, so I blog. It’s the best way to do a world wide search for someone that might, just might be able to go, you know, I’ve had a dream like that before. You’re not crazy, you’re not a sicko. I’ve been as afraid as you were when you were a kid and this is why I was afraid. I have thoughts too that scare me and parts of myself that I do not like at all, you’re not by yourself.
What if I kept all of this just to myself, if I kept it in a private blog? I’d never be able to know if anyone at all understands. But once I’ve written the worst of the worst and push send I figure if I’ve found someone that understands all of that’s going to change when they read an entry realizing I’m nothing like them. I’m just this sick kid in Indiana who needs to get a life and get the heck off the net.
This is what I think when I blog…….. I resent my blog a lot. I think about taking it down a lot. I think about how useless it is, how pointless it is or that it’s proof that I’m one screwed up chick. I resent the truths in this blog and I resent and despise the meaning behind. But I need The People Behind My Eyes for connection, for a forum, for a place to go where I know I’ll say exactly what’s on my mind no holds barred. So the blog is still in existence and will be for a very long time. For a very long time I’ll write with trepidation for the purpose of connection and understanding. I hope it all works out in the end.
Joan of Arc
I Blog Because-Friday, May 30, 2008-7:26PM EST
Do you realize that you sound a lot like me with writing what I wrote in my sidebar. Similar or the exact thoughts run in my head even the taking down the blog. I’m glad that you realize it is helpful to you, but it is helpful to others. You helped give me the courage to do what I did. For that I thank you. Keep blogging.
Thank you for not taking down your blog. I will keep reading for as long as you keep writing.
Please don’t go, don’t gooooo, don’t go away…KC and the Sunshine Band, but sincerely from us as well
I believe you. You can’t push me away. I understand. I could have written the same thing. Unlike you, I’ve gotten scared and made my blog private. I admire you for your courage and your honesty and all the other things that make Austin, Austin.
I too miss our chats, but I’ve been doing the hermit thing lately. I’m trying to not do that so much, but sometimes it’s easier that way.
Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have given me the courage and strenght to keep going when all seemed lost and pointless.
I believe you. Always have since the first time I stumbled across your blog. You can’t ‘fake’ the kind of honesty you manage to express and I’m glad you keep going with it. Carmon
Thank you for such an honest and intense post. I think you are brave to share your thoughts and feelings. Intensity is not a bad thing it is part of who you are and you deserve to express yourself My partner referred to “The People Behind My Eyes”. She died of cancer last year but had such a rich life because she had so many parts to herself and was very loving. I hope you keep writing your blog. I would miss it even though I have only come several times. Take care and keep doing what you are doing. Annie
My partner referred to “The People Behind My Eyes”
Your Partner had DID?
Lynn at Spilling Ink often writes disclaimers for people to put on their blogs. It usually goes along the lines of “if you don’t like what I write, f**k off and don’t read it.” I like her philosophy.
Austin, Yes my partner had DID. We tried hard to support each other since I have bipolar. I miss all that she was and feel I am better having loved her. Thanks for asking! Annie