I put it off as long as possible. I avoided the subject of my sister as well as painting and writing what I was to bring in for therapy tomorrow/today. I don’t know, I just couldn’t do the writing part. I tried to paint the leaf from my dream just the way I saw it, broken, dry and brown in spots. When I painted it I felt so sad. I feel stupid saying I was nearly in tears and that I had to take several breaks. My goodness, I painted a sunflower leaf why would I feel so heart sick over that? Man I feel stupid saying I felt like that. I guess it’s just that I see myself in sunflowers (cause they’re multiple’s too and their heads hang low when they have too much to bear). When I see a sunflower damaged or neglected I internalize it. To see a perfect example of how I see myself please click the link to the blog called Go! Smell The Flowers.
Monthly Archive for May, 2008Page 2 of 3
Lately I’ve been dreaming about flying. I fly across the room to go get a small item or fly to the store through the air as if it were the most natural thing ever. I’ve even had a few dreams that took place at night which is unusual for me.
Last night I had a dream that I ran a marathon in Madrid, Spain then someplace in China. The runners all put their belongings in a huge pile on the floor of an empty stadium. Someone I didn’t know suggested we pilfer whatever was of value. I began looking for high top red converse but didn’t find them. As we sifted through their belongings I looked to the left of me out of the window. Outside the window was a huge, beautiful castle, something you’d see at Disney World but without that dang on mouse hanging around. It looked real but still had a Disney quality to it. I decided not to investigate but to continue through the stadium to meet friends for lunch. Once I got to the cafeteria it ended up being a huge group therapy session. I sat and chatted with a large black woman who told me she keeps her distance because I can go from 100 mph to zero in 60 seconds flat and that I’m temperamental, arrogant and not willing to listen to reason. She said she felt there was a lot of hope for me but she couldn’t be of assistance in my healing process because our personalities didn’t mix. I basically fed her back everything she said and apologized for being so unstable and unpredictable. She then handed me 3 cigarettes and escorted me out of the door.
I feel so self conscious and very needy right now. This isn’t the normal me. I don’t cling or need validation at every turn, not usually anyway. Right now I’m worried that this and that person will be angry with me or I’ll do something foolish and push people away. I feel lonely and basically not like myself. All the self loathing has me physically exhausted. Well why wouldn’t they go away you stupid….blah, blah, blah. Shut up please!!! I’ve even been begging in my dreams. I don’t beg or plead but recently it feels like my heart only does those two things followed by deep, deep sorrow.
Today a friend called to moan about no longer having a maid to clean her apartment. She said she had to clean the apartment all by herself and make her own dinner. I thought to myself, please call me when you have a real problem. But I said nothing. I just listened UNTIL she said, “I wish I had someone like Maureen that I could pop out and have clean my house.” Oh no you didn’t. You didn’t go there. You wish you had been so damaged by abuse you split off into parts that function separately? And please don’t go, Oh that’s not what that means. It just means I wish I had extra help. Well, it’s not extra help just by itself. It’s extra help with issues. So just don’t go there. Besides, why bring up Maureen, who has been MIA for months just cause you had to fire your maid? Gracious!!! Too sensitive of a topic to just toss out her name cause that bitch is too damn lazy to cook or clean for herself. You don’t work. You don’t do anything at all and you have a maid? Girl stop, please, cause I can’t take it.
“Dragonfly” V1 and V2 were inspired by the little guy that landed on my screen door the other afternoon.
Larger versions of both can be seen on Sundrip.com. Please click here.
This little guy was on my screen door. He let me take his picture then flew off. Quite a beauty I thought. Nice wing spread and great patience for the fumbling photographer. I don’t know if he’s a Fire Fly or a Dragon Fly or what. I think he’s beautiful though. Thank God he didn’t fly off the screen into my hair and cause me to run screaming like a girl. Oh wait, I am a girl. Still, you see my point. It would have been really an ugly moment. Ugly like the day I stood on the chair screaming because there was a mouse in my living room. I seriously considered calling 911 but thought better of it. Bella, the huntress, abandoned me that day. I guess she thought it was nap time so she left me with Gracie, the non-huntress. So there I was on the chair with a mouse in the house. What option did I have but to call 911 or stay stranded on the chair? Actually, Grace rose to the occasion and killed the mouse. I was stunned. I was still on the chair for awhile because ya know the little bugger could have been faking his untimely death. Finally my roommate got home. I called him back, still standing on the chair, and had him remove the carcass. I came down from the chair and said, “We must never speak of this again.”
Okay, on to a more pleasant subject. Here are some of Cappy Crunch’s toys in the yard.
And yes, he even has a little sailor duck that squeaks. Unfortunetly this photo is a bit out of focus but I had nothing else to blog about so I’m tossing y’all crumbs….blurry little crumbs.
For other stuff in my yard click here. They’re mostly bug photos, cicadas and spiders and spider webs and a brown manid. Click only if you have mad love for bugs.
Austin
At Wal-mart the other day I was paying for my items when a woman said to me, “I know you from somewhere.” I looked confused and said I wasn’t sure where from. She asked me my name. I gave her a name. She kept looking at me with this “I know you” look. I asked her name, playing along like I had no clue she’s a friend of my mother’s. I walked away having pulled off the best acting job I’ve ever done.
A different time at Wal-mart I figured I’d save some time and cash a check there instead of making a run to my bank. I figured I was already there so why not cash the check. I gave my ID and the man said there was a problem with me cashing the check. He asked me if I’d ever changed my name. He asked me what that name use to be. I said it didn’t matter what that name was because it no longer exists. I had proper ID, my SS# matches and that’s all the questions I was going to answer. That’s the first time since changing my name that anyone has ever asked me that. Of all places Wal-mart wanted to know if there was another me out there. I should have just gone to the bank. It was a friggin $50 check and not worth the hassle. I’ve banked with the same company, used the same phone company and everything else I had before I changed my name. They all got the paper work and there were no problems. Years later Wal-mart wants to know what that name use to be. Give me a break!
Coffee Interrupted
Thinking to myself- What’s wrong with this coffee, it tastes weired? I then realized I only put in cream and sugar. There was no vanilla, no mocha flavoring, no cinnamon hazelnut, no peppermint and chocolate. Just coffee, cream and sugar. Weird! I was too asleep to remember how to make a proper cup of coffee.
At the table, with my back to her, facing the picture window I say -Will you turn the coffee pot off please?
Blossom turns the pot off and says- Are you done? You don’t want any more?
Me – I will in a minute. I just don’t want it to um ….
Blossom –To sit hot getting stronger.
Me – No. I just don’t …
Blossom – You don’t want it to sit and burn the carafe.
I’m dead silent with a look of irritation.
Blossom – Sorry.
Me – I don’t want to burn up the heating element.
Humor Destroyed
Blossom over the phone says– There’s a mother’s day cartoon of a mother fish and a bunch of her babies swimming in a pond. Each baby gave the mother a card. “Thanks mom for not letting Dad eat me, Love Chloe.”
I laughed. She read on.
Blossom - “Thanks mom for not letting Dad eat me, Love Bruce.”
I laughed more as she read the baby fish thanking their mom for not letting the father fish eat them. She then said,
Blossom - I brought it into my therapist to give to her clients whose mother left an abusive husband. “Thanks Mom for not letting Dad beat me.”
Me - Silence. More silence. My gracious you know how to ruin a good moment and depress a person.
Blossom – Sorry, would you rather I go back to humoring you?
Me – (more silence) No, I gotta go.
NOTE: No Blossom and I are NOT dating again. Don’t even let your mind go there.
Aussie Conversation: Silence-Wednesday, May 14, 2008-12:52PM EST
Other Aussie Conversations - Scrap That There Idea, Down a Twisted Road, I Just Wanted A Nice Dinner,
I wish Barney hadn’t left a dowel rod on the kitchen counter for a week. I wish I’d said something about it a week ago. Why didn’t I ask him to move it?
I can’t give you another chance. I won’t give you another chance.
I have the money to go buy those red converse but I just can’t bring myself to go get them.
I liked giving you that gift but I didn’t do it out of kindness.
I won’t do too much panicking until the asshole moves in and gives me a specific reason to panic. I can’t believe he’s bringing his little dog. As anal as he is I’m sure he has a Shitzu.
The only colour in this house that’s bright is red.
When I go shopping if I don’t bring home something red I feel sad. It’s strange.
My house is girly. That’s not a complaint.
I don’t look my therapist in the eye when I talk to him.
I miss Maureen.
I’ve been jumpy lately.
You really know how to turn a small imposition into a catastrophe.
When I’m angry my language gets rough. I seem to curse like a sailor. It gets really bad. “Do you want a fuckin cookie? You want some motherfuckin’ milk with that shit?” It really gets bad, not quite that bad but bad enough. My language right now could use some soap.
When everything else seems out of control and unstable I grab onto whatever I feel I can control or keep stable. I just need one thing to stay the same and not change. I’ve eaten pizza daily for over two weeks now. This has to change because I’m lactose intolerant. I’m sure that sounds funny but I’m not happy about the change.
I’ve been painting pretty much non-stop for a few weeks now. There’s a large piece of paper on the door to the restroom, the door leading to Barney’s area as well as in the hallway. I also doodle and have 3 small paintings I’m working on. I need the feel and sound of brush against paper.
Joan
Mismatch Thoughts-Wednesday, May 14th, 2008-1:06AM EST
I was standing in a Texas bar listening to the band play. They’d just finished up and my sister decided to sing a little bit. She was half hidden behind an oriental screen, you could only see long reddish-brown hair and the top of her. The band noticed that she was pretty and began making comments about it. As they walked towards her I put my head down and hid behind the rim of my hat. There were 3 band members that surrounded her and made comments about her long legs and beautiful hair. Then they decided to carry her off. My mother sat there, did nothing at all as they carried her oldest daughter off to rape her. I jumped on the back of one man and pounded and screamed, “She’s just a child, she’s a baby! She’s just a child.” In the dream she was about 17, the men were in their 40’s. One man turned and looked me in the eye and I said in a begging tone, “Please, she’s just a baby, let her go.”
I could tell that it hit home but he still wanted to go along with his boys. I followed them and kept grabbing and beating on the one I figured I could get through to. They took her to a movie theater. Two men disappeared with her. I kept fist fighting with the one I thought I could get through to. “Give her back, she’s just a child.” I realized every time I said, “She’s just a child.” I’d get a different look in his eye, like it hurt him to hear he was about to take part in the rape of a child. I figured if I said it enough maybe he’d make his boys let her go. So I kept saying it and kept saying it, pulling on him, fighting him, screaming at him, begging him, “she’s just a child.” After a bit his heart hardened and he just wanted to distract me so his boys could hurt my sister. He fell down on the theater stairs which lead to the auditorium. His head faced down, his feet faced the top of the stairs. I walked slowly up to him to see if he was dead, if he wasn’t I had a rock I intended to finish him off with. When I went to investigate his condition he jumped up, laughed and ran back up the stairs to mock me again. He fell the same way, head down, feet towards the top of the stairs. I realized I was wasting my time pleading to him so I left him on the stairs and went looking for my sister.
Two TV’s watched in the living room by strangers. One TV worked clearly, the other was blurry. I talked to the mother on the phone as I steam cleaned the carpet and strangers watched my TV. I poured dirty water from a small bucket into a large bucket as I explained to the mother that our recent phone conversations weren’t helpful but hurtful. We talked while there was a chimp sitting on the sofa, this chimp’s name is Bob. A pigeon perched on my desk which had been moved into the hallway while I cleaned the carpet. The desk blocked the restroom and bedroom from any entry at all.
The mother and I began to argue about what to feed Captain. She said her co-workers thought I should feed Captain differently. At that moment Captain was outside with two snakes in his mouth, one gold and black spotted, the other black and white striped. I told her when her friends pay his vet bills they can have a say in how I feed him. He seemed quite content with his new feeding program of wild animals he caught in the yard. The mother went on to tell me she was sorry she’d let me down recently. She then said she was going to have to let me down 4 more times. I asked what she meant. She said she was bringing home 4 new people to live with us. I told her that’s not letting me down but they can’t sleep in my room. I can’t share a room with anyone I told her. My sister, who had been quietly watching TV with complete strangers piped up and asked, “Since when can you not share a room with anyone?” “Since right now!” I said, “I’m not sharing a room with anyone.” The mother and I chatted a bit longer then hang up.
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