Monthly Archive for May, 2008

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Suicide – Why?

Published on May 23, 2008 in Depression, Mental Health and PTSD. 5 Comments Tags: .

Engulfed I had a conversation today about why it is a person would commit suicide. The person said to me that she decided a long time ago there is nothing so bad in this world that she needed to end her life. I listened, I was glad to know she plans to stick out her healing process. When a person makes a resolve to stay alive I support it but it doesn’t mean I don’t understand why someone would take their own life.

Let me first say that suicide is a very touchy subject. There are many survivors of suicide victims and there are many who feel suicidal. I for one feel suicidal quite a bit, especially with the way therapy has been going these last few months. Please know what I’m saying here doesn’t condone or condemn suicide. This entry will not go into the religious aspect that some put on it and it will not go into if it’s right or wrong but simply the mind set of a person (me) who has not only seriously considered suicide but attempted it. The other reason I’m writing this is because I’ve read on 3 different blogs about people feeling suicidal so I figured I’d go ahead and write my thoughts on why it is I can be driven to such extremes. Continue reading ‘Suicide – Why?’

The World Stops

Published on May 21, 2008 in For the Record and Relationships. 5 Comments

Usually on therapy days (every Monday and every Wednesday) the entire world stops for me. I usually don’t answer the phone, I don’t fill art print orders, I don’t get to my email or make any major decisions. Therapy is so draining that the only thing I can do is come home, take care of The Three Stooges (2 cats and a dog), eat something and keep myself safe doing various pittily projects. But today has to be different. My phone rang about 11:30AM. My phone announces the caller until I pick it up. So the phone rang and announced Blossom, who knows better than to call me before a therapy session cause there’s no telling what kind of shape I’m in. Since she did call it meant to me I needed to pick up the phone. I’m glad I did. It seems her brother died suddenly this morning. So instead of closing off into myself after therapy I’ll be supporting Blossom today. Truthfully, I don’t mind. The world stops for more than just me and my therapy. It stops for people in need. And that’s exactly how it should be.

I know how to take care of myself on a therapy day so my self care plan is still in place, it just now involves phone conversations with a person grieving as the very last surviving family member.

This is the perfect opportunity to fall back into a relationship with her. Knowing that means I have to keep on alert. High emotional situations can easily lead to rough roads that I just can’t travel again. I can only share my world so much with people and even those people need to respect the areas that say No Trespassing. I’ll stop my world but there are certain doors that are off limits, a relationship with Blossom is one of those doors. She can have my support but never again can she have my heart.

Austin

Tossed Salad

Published on May 21, 2008 in Dreams and Humor. 6 Comments

Follow me on this one:

  1. Yesterday an artist on Redbubble was listing a few things about herself and included her love for cheesecake. She then added, cheesecake, the kind you eat. I thought to myself, if there another kind?
  2. I really, really want a good roast beef sandwich. In the weekly ads mailed to my house there were Arby’s coupons. Sorry, Arby’s isn’t my idea of good roast beef sandwich.
  3. A friend of mine told me I look like I’m 12 years old. I said, “Come on, give me at least age 15.”

The dream I had this morning is as follows:

I went to Arby’s to order cheesecake. The lady said I wasn’t old enough to order cheesecake and asked to see my ID.

That is how the mind works; it takes bits and pieces from real life then tosses them together like salad. FYI, I prefer blue cheese.

Austin

Tossed Salad-Wednesday, May 21, 2008-11:31AM EST

The Sunflower Leaf

Published on May 21, 2008 in Art, Dream Therapy, Dreams, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy Assignments. 3 Comments

Dream Therapy Nurtured LovedI put it off as long as possible. I avoided the subject of my sister as well as painting and writing what I was to bring in for therapy tomorrow/today. I don’t know, I just couldn’t do the writing part. I tried to paint the leaf from my dream just the way I saw it, broken, dry and brown in spots. When I painted it I felt so sad. I feel stupid saying I was nearly in tears and that I had to take several breaks. My goodness, I painted a sunflower leaf why would I feel so heart sick over that? Man I feel stupid saying I felt like that. I guess it’s just that I see myself in sunflowers (cause they’re multiple’s too and their heads hang low when they have too much to bear). When I see a sunflower damaged or neglected I internalize it. To see a perfect example of how I see myself please click the link to the blog called Go! Smell The Flowers. Continue reading ‘The Sunflower Leaf’

Dreams: Running, Flying, Dying

Published on May 18, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dream Therapy, Dreams, Mental Health and PTSD. 2 Comments

Lately I’ve been dreaming about flying. I fly across the room to go get a small item or fly to the store through the air as if it were the most natural thing ever. I’ve even had a few dreams that took place at night which is unusual for me.

Last night I had a dream that I ran a marathon in Madrid, Spain then someplace in China. The runners all put their belongings in a huge pile on the floor of an empty stadium. Someone I didn’t know suggested we pilfer whatever was of value. I began looking for high top red converse but didn’t find them. As we sifted through their belongings I looked to the left of me out of the window. Outside the window was a huge, beautiful castle, something you’d see at Disney World but without that dang on mouse hanging around. It looked real but still had a Disney quality to it. I decided not to investigate but to continue through the stadium to meet friends for lunch. Once I got to the cafeteria it ended up being a huge group therapy session. I sat and chatted with a large black woman who told me she keeps her distance because I can go from 100 mph to zero in 60 seconds flat and that I’m temperamental, arrogant and not willing to listen to reason. She said she felt there was a lot of hope for me but she couldn’t be of assistance in my healing process because our personalities didn’t mix. I basically fed her back everything she said and apologized for being so unstable and unpredictable. She then handed me 3 cigarettes and escorted me out of the door. Continue reading ‘Dreams: Running, Flying, Dying’

I Feel Different

Published on May 18, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Soapbox. 5 Comments

I feel so self conscious and very needy right now. This isn’t the normal me. I don’t cling or need validation at every turn, not usually anyway. Right now I’m worried that this and that person will be angry with me or I’ll do something foolish and push people away. I feel lonely and basically not like myself. All the self loathing has me physically exhausted. Well why wouldn’t they go away you stupid….blah, blah, blah. Shut up please!!! I’ve even been begging in my dreams. I don’t beg or plead but recently it feels like my heart only does those two things followed by deep, deep sorrow.

Today a friend called to moan about no longer having a maid to clean her apartment. She said she had to clean the apartment all by herself and make her own dinner. I thought to myself, please call me when you have a real problem. But I said nothing. I just listened UNTIL she said, “I wish I had someone like Maureen that I could pop out and have clean my house.” Oh no you didn’t. You didn’t go there. You wish you had been so damaged by abuse you split off into parts that function separately? And please don’t go, Oh that’s not what that means. It just means I wish I had extra help. Well, it’s not extra help just by itself. It’s extra help with issues. So just don’t go there. Besides, why bring up Maureen, who has been MIA for months just cause you had to fire your maid? Gracious!!! Too sensitive of a topic to just toss out her name cause that bitch is too damn lazy to cook or clean for herself. You don’t work. You don’t do anything at all and you have a maid? Girl stop, please, cause I can’t take it. Continue reading ‘I Feel Different’

Inspired

Published on May 17, 2008 in Art. 3 Comments

Dragonfly Version 1 Dragonfly Version 2

“Dragonfly” V1 and V2 were inspired by the little guy that landed on my screen door the other afternoon.

Larger versions of both can be seen on Sundrip.com. Please click here.