I guess he didn’t realize therapy is always hard for me and is always a cause for anxiety and stress. It’s not always so stressful that I throw up before or during but it is stressful to the point that I don’t do any kind of work related to the art site or even answer my phone most times on therapy days. Anything that matters, anything I can royally screw up waits for a day when I don’t have therapy. I’m not sure how our subjects could be anything other than anxiety provoking.
Most of the time I feel like I’m walking around I a war zone with very little protective gear. There are explosions everywhere or signs of past explosions. Where does one find relief in the middle of a war zone? Every person looks like enemy number one. Every person looks like they’re about to toss a grenade and every person is camouflaged so I think they’re someone they’re not. I’m scared to death all of the time. It’s war. Walking into his office doesn’t give me a sense of peace, sorry to break it to you but it doesn’t. He asked if therapy is dependable. He wanted to know if I felt I could rely on him. I said yes. He wanted to know if I felt that when he schedules an appointment he’s really going to be there, is he really going to listen and care. Yes, I know these things. But it seemed a surprise when I said I feel anxiety before and after the session. My thought is, I hide my reactions too well still.
We talked briefly about the memory of standing with encyclopedias with our arms straight out. I showed 
him the art therapy piece I did almost immediately after the session. Two little girls stand with their arms straight out. He said when he first heard me tell the memory it sounded excruciating. I said I flinch when I think of it now but then I just focused on one spot and stood there still as stone. I didn’t drop one, ever. The first time when No One told him about the memory and how they shaved my cousins head No One told him despite standing there that way and the occasional dowel rod to the back it “didn’t hurt.” Dr. D asked how it could possibly NOT hurt. Well, it did but at the time that one spot in the room took it all, made it all go away.
So we talked about my inability to lay down and rest then we got into the whole Blossom issue. I told him I wouldn’t even lie to him, myself or anyone else and say, “It’s really over this time” since I know that it’s going to take more strength on my part to finally kick her out of my life for good. What she says to me has to do with her own issues but her still being in my life is because of my issues. When I’m better able to manage those she’ll get the “bye- bye” for good. It pisses me off, it really does because I know I’m just lying to myself if I up and say, “Leave me alone, never come around here again.” All she has to do is call and I cave. It’s ridiculous.
I brought in the art I did after I talked to her. He asked how I felt about the conversation; did I feel better about being so blunt with her and not hiding how I truly feel? Nope, not at all. I felt horrible and sad. I kept hearing in my head, “Bad people. Bad people. Bad. Bad. Bad.” …. Be quiet please, just be quiet……
I went in irritated simply because that’s the mood I’m in. My road-rage-filled cab driver didn’t help. Anyone with that degree of road rage should hang it up, stop driving or jump off a bridge.
Destiny
How It Goes-Friday, June 06, 2008-8:41PM EST
The last part surprised me and made me laugh. Just to let you know that it took me about 20 years to finally trust that my therapist is going to be there, not leave me, that I can really talk about anything without him becoming aggressive, that he cares, etc… And, I see him four days per week and he came to treat me at both of my hospitalizations as a visitor. And, at one point I was seeing him 8 hours per week, five days a week. Yet, I still didn’t trust him. Now, that I do…it scares me that I feel like I can say anything to him.
I used to feel anxious and like a zombie everytime. Sometimes didn’t know how I got home. Now, I only do if it really intense or I’m fragmenting which usually means that there is something really intense that I need to talk about which last week meant that I was tense all the time. Thank God for PRNs. I don’t think I would have made it.
I guess what I’m saying, now that I’ve rambled, is that I can identify with some of what you are saying especially the anxiety before and after.
Have a great weekend