Sick At Heart

I have that sick at heart feeling that I’d truly like to get rid of.

We talked about doing relaxation stuff before we start therapy but we kinda freaked about it. We’re supposed to listen to his voice and be okay with that. Lord no, I don’t think so. Then Amy worried he’d want us to go to sleep or something. We talked about Blossom for a bit and how the little one’s really don’t like the girl. Then he said something that we seem to feel powerless to keep her away from us. Insert Robert who doesn’t like to feel powerless. From there our original (the host) popped out for a few minutes having no clue what the hell was going on. She apologized for our mother being so cruel to us and making it so difficult to treat us in therapy. She said she didn’t want to be put to sleep either. I think she actually stayed for the rest of the session. That may be the first or second time she’s been in his office. She’s been around a bit here and there lately.

I’m going to need to try and sleep off this desperation. I know being awake in this state can get dangerous for me. I want to run and I’m rather impulsive so for right now sleep is the safest thing. Lately we’ve been in bed around 2am and up by 10AM. … I mean except for those 2 days where we basically slept around the clock. I can’t complain about 2 to 10 at all.

Dreams:

Then there was a little boy being hurt by 2 guys. He was about 3 yrs old. While hurting him you could hardly tell it hurt. He focused on an area in the corner of the room and went away in his head until they were done. The men told him they should at least buy him a drink so they took him to a little bar. I guess from there I was an active part of the dream more than just a person in the corner watching everything. I tried to hold the men there and call the police. When talking to the police they told me it would be a big ordeal to come and look into the abuse. They said they believed me it was just that it would be a huge hassle to try and get the boy help and try and keep the news away from the situation. They were upset about the amount of paper work it would take to make sure this child was given safety and justice. The men took the boy and tried to escape. I followed them out to a stair case that wound around so tightly there was hardly enough room to move. It lead to an open stair case which lead to another tightly wound stair case leading up. I then got into an elevator and headed down the basement where a dark school house cafeteria was. There were children lined up in the lunch line waiting to be chosen to be abused. Some were upset, trying to out due the others so as not to be forgotten or left behind in line. They flirted with the adults. One girl opened her mouth really, really wide and shoved a cork in it all the way. This disgusted a younger boy who called her a stupid bitch whore. She jumped in front of their video camera and did it again. The men were annoyed with her and pushed her aside. The kids would rather be abused than to stand in line and be seen as nothing, to nothing, not even good enough to abuse.

The apartment where the 3 yr old boy was abused is an apartment I lived in when younger. My 3 yr old brother stayed there too. The school cafeteria pops up in my dreams often. It’s a school I went to in the 9th grade. The school housed grade 7 thru grade 9. It was also the first school I was ripped out of so we could go on the run from social services.

As far as the therapist goes I think I have this whole thing going on of, I want to leave you but don’t you dare leave me. I worry he’ll tell me he can’t help me and that he’s tried everything he knows to try and maybe some other therapist can help me but he can’t. I think this is why our original person apologized for having the mother we have. She apologized for how thorough she was when abusing us. She covered it all which makes it really difficult to find ways to relate to us that she hasn’t put her hand on and soiled.

J of A