Monthly Archive for June, 2008

Page 3 of 5

Dear Blog,

Published on June 21, 2008 in For the Record and Humor. 12 Comments Tags: .

Don’t ever leave me again, don’t you know I have abandonment issues? You can’t just space out and go on the fritz when you feel like it. What do you think this is? Did you think I’d just wait on you to get your cyberspace act together? I sat, twittled my thumbs, sighed, huffed and did a bit of moaning. After all of that you decided to just come right back up like nothing was ever wrong. You act like you never left at all. Well listen here, I’ll tell you something Mr. Blog! Damn you for going down! Damn you! I needed you and you were not there for me. I depended upon you and you went away. In my time of need, when I needed to hear the clickity clack of puffy fingers on a keyboard where were you? Huh? You were off with your bloggidy head in the cyber clouds. Now you’re back and I’m just to accept you with open arms? Damn you for knowing I would.

Joan of Arc, relieved to be back blogging.

To The Therapist

Published on June 17, 2008 in Therapy. 1 Comment

She’s in her room, in the middle room with the door shut. It’s not locked.

There’s a face on the wall but it’s so blurry you can’t really see it. I can’t see it but Mama and sister say it’s there. I can’t see it though.

We lived there a lot but I’m not sure for how long. I want out of that room. The curtains are green and heavy like at a hotel so it’s really dark when they close the door. You lay really still and hope you don’t feel a hand come over you. You lay really, really still and hope.

I think the little girl that said help me wants out of the room. She doesn’t want to be in there. But right now my head hurts and I’m afraid. I’m trying but I’m afraid. I’m not sure exactly why. I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I just want to hide my head. My head hurts.

That sound in your office is like Nana’s sauna room. I don’t want to be there. I’m afraid I’ll go to sleep and I don’t want to.

Wishful Thinking Is Enough

Published on June 16, 2008 in Gratitude Journal. 2 Comments

Sometimes we get what we want.

Wishful Thinking Is Enough

Thank you to everyone who purchased art in the last few months. I’ve wanted these shoes FOREVER! I dreamed about them. I fussed over them and said they symbolize all the things I don’t think I’ll ever get.  I saved, I scrimped, I sold stuff and I got them. Thank you.

Austin

Disturbing To Say The Least

Published on June 15, 2008 in Soapbox. 8 Comments Tags: , .

I’ve run across these images and the slideshows of these children so much. I’ve been quiet about this long enough. When I look at these children I see deep, deep sadness. When I look at the poses the photographer puts the little girl in I see a child posed in a sexualized way. You see the little boy with scars on his face, hopefully mock injuries but offensive non-the less. He too is in objectionable poses. These images are not beautiful, they’re disturbing. My God the little girl has what looks like blood photoshopped in on her chest and face. Who does this to their own child?

There is a difference between a photograph of a beautiful child and a seductively posed child. These are seductive not innocent and childlike as she claims. It angers me beyond belief to see these images and it’s about damn time I said it.

Austin

Festivities, Politics and History

Published on June 15, 2008 in For the Record. 4 Comments Tags: , .

I think the bad weather cleared up enough so that this weekends festivities could go on. So much is going on in Indy this week end it’s not even funny. There’s the Jazz Fest, the Pride Fest and the Juneteenth celebration which all took place yesterday. I wanted badly to go to the Juneteenth celebration but there were just too many people. I wanted to go for the history of it cause well, I’m a history buff. All the festivities took place downtown where there was no major flooding that would take weeks or days to drain and dry. The area I’m in is getting better. I really hope we get at least today without rain. That would be very nice.

Continue reading ‘Festivities, Politics and History’

Flooding

Published on June 13, 2008 in Art and For the Record. 4 Comments

Parts of Indy are flooded but we’re safe. Our yard is soooo destroyed it’s not even funny. It’ll take weeks to dry up. Everyone is okay though. We were not evacuated like some areas were. We have power from time to time. Thank goodness I have plenty of candles and an oil lamp. I just wanted to do a quick post before we lose power again.

I got really good sleep last night. I took some sleep meds and slept from 5pm to 8 this morning. Yup! That’s the longest I’ve slept in awhile. I’d been averaging 4 to 5 hours a night and sometimes as little as 2. This has been going on for about 3 weeks now. It got to the point that I had to take something before I lost my dang on mind. I’ll take half of what I took yesterday so I don’t sleep as long.

I’ve started something new. Since I’ve been so nervous and stuff sitting at the PC for art hasn’t worked for me. I bought some plywood / craft wood and painted on them. You can see them here. I also made a few plates out of plaster that I intend to paint on. Oh, I even made one plaster plate with a tie die stain on it. Very cool. It’s not dry yet. I think I’m going to put a butterfly on that one. So, I’ve been trying to keep busy with things that don’t require electricity LOL and that give me a little more stimulation than PC art. There’s no way I can give up my PC art. I do love it, it’s just right now I’m kinda working on other stuff. Very fun.

I’d better post this.

Milwaukee

Strong Reactions

Published on June 11, 2008 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 5 Comments

I thought he said, “You were trade.” From there it was over. I kept trying to come back and stay grounded but we ended up really triggered. Enter Renea (age 9) who felt kinda bad for being in the session again. She kept switching places with a three year old, the same three year old that panicked so badly the day he made a hitting gesture in relation to flagellating. I could feel her hyperventilate. Fortunately she didn’t stay out because Renea kept taking her place. She told him she was afraid of getting lost, that her eyes kept fogging over and her head felt full. When she says that to him he doesn’t understand what she means. It’s hard to explain what we mean by “my head feels full.” It does though, a lot. Our eyes fog over and our vision is poor, we can’t really hear the person. Sometimes it’s as if the person’s voice stops 5 inches in front of our face. If something does get through it makes little sense to us and sounds like a foreign language. It’s almost as if we’re unable to hold a thought in our head or process anything. So anyway, Renea and the little one switched places a few times until finally Renea stayed. She explained what she thought he said. What he actually said was, “You were betrayed.”

He mentioned that we seem to have strong reactions to certain words and that he understands now why we react so strongly to the words “trust” and “safety.” Renea told him we were never sold like in sex trade. She didn’t get out that we were passed around, traded back and forth. “You wanna trade?” It just couldn’t come out of her mouth. I don’t remember what he was saying to her but while he talked and while his voice stopped just before comprehension Renea kicked into a very powerful coping skill. Continue reading ‘Strong Reactions’