We tried something different today during therapy. Since I’ve had a really hard time staying grounded I decided I’d take my sketch pad in and sketch while talking to him. I did that. I also brought in the doll and showed it to him and told him why I made her. From there we started talking about therapy goals and how to structure the sessions. We set a few goals and then the tone changed. He said he’d like to build some trust with me. The “t-word”. I felt myself tighten up. I was a bit angry simply at the suggestion that I trust him. He said there may be a time when we have a session where I reveal something and show that I trust him. He said he’d like to point that out. I told him to do so means to erase all the trust that might already be there. I said to tell me I trusted you is a red flag for me. It’s the same as saying “You trusted me with this information, let your guard down, opened up and I chose not to hurt you. I just wanted to let you know I still have control and can hurt you when you least expect it.”
Monthly Archive for July, 2008
As dreams go this one seems less offensive than others but I still have that sick and dissociated feeling. I have come to know in my own dreams food symbolizes life sustenance. More specifically emotional and spiritual needs. I’ve noticed when I’m about to eat something traumatic happens. We’re going to meet friends to lunch or dinner, we’re going inside a diner where there’s cool air and refreshments after a long walk through the wilderness but something happens to stop this ability to refuel and refresh. I’m forced to deal with some sort of trauma on the same energy I had and draw from an already stressed well. This particular dream had the same symbolism in it. In dream therapy you’re suppose to write down the dream as it happened then re-write it the way you wish it happened or to make you the victor instead of the victim, powerful instead of powerless but I’m unable to re-write this one. I can at least copy down what I remember so here goes:
Dream:
The mother and I are going to go to the grocery store the following day. I’m out of food so she’s going to purchase groceries for me. The next day I get up but she stays in bed. The cab we called has arrived but the mother is taking so long to get up that it’s clear she won’t make the run. It’s decided that I’ll go alone. The mother has to look for the money. While she’s looking for her money a news flash comes on that Germany is bombing a small village because they didn’t appreciate the fact that the cost of fuel and food went up beyond what their small budgets could manage. The dream switches to standing in my grandmother’s kitchen.
My doctor and I have been discussing my suicidal tendencies, urges to self mutilate, rapid switching and hospitalization. So far there’s a no go on hospitalization but it’s not totally out of the window. I’m having a really difficult time stabilizing. I keep switching repeatedly. I can’t hold a conversation to save my life. I can write stuff down but to say it out loud, anything much out loud, doesn’t seem to work. I haven’t made any phone calls to anyone because of it.
In therapy I’m sure I look like a fumbling idiot. I switch so fast. One person can be right in the middle of a sentence then just leave. The other person out tries to finish the sentence but has no clue at all what we were talking about. We are not really sharing space as well as we have before so it leaves the next person out rather clueless… and embarrassed. Our functioning has shut down because of our inability to concentrate on things. I think I’ve visited a few blogs in the last few days. If for some reason I don’t show up at your blog know it’s because I can’t seem to keep it together for very long. I hope to get my head back soon. If I end up in patient I’ll send out a general email to a group of you that know one another. I also have a way to have someone post a short and sweet entry here on Sundrip. Hopefully this won’t need to happen.
So what happens to Captain if I go in? He’ll be next door with his 3 buddies. Always good to know a neighbor will step in when you need it. The girls can be cared for over here by my roommate. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind filling their bowls once a day and cleaning out the box. I don’t see him having a problem with that. Captain would be a bit much for him though.
That’s all for now,
Austin
I drew an outline of the doll on the material then cut her out and sewed her. Since I have a history with needles I had to sew her up right to the top of the head then stuff her. I couldn’t sew the body then add the arms and legs because it felt like I was putting needles in the hands of a child… of a little me. I have a very difficult time separating myself from dark coloured dolls. Putting a needle into the hands or feet of the doll is too much so I have to find another way to put her together. I found it easier to do less cutting and to only have to turn her inside out and put the stuffing in through the head. I then wound yarn, put it in the open part, doubled it and sewed it in. For some reason I was able to stay grounded while doing that.
I knew where the needle was at all times. It never touched the floor where it could possibly get lost and find it’s way into to souls of my feet. I stuck my hand a few times but it was manageable. When it happened a few times someone inside said, “I don’t like the feeling of needles in my hands.” That sounds rather strange to say but when being beaten the mother would say, “Does this feel good?” My expected reply, “This feels good mommy.” So when someone inside said, “I don’t like the feeling of needles in my hands” it was rather healing.
I only go to the grocery store once a week. It seems like more but it really is only once per week. It seems that every time I go something happens. There was the time I had a full cart of food and no money. Oops, wrong day. It wasn’t the 3rd. There was the recent event where I saw my life and the lives of my alters pass before my eyes as a white van pulled up behind me and stopped. Then yesterday I had a near miss with a bird who wanted to play target practice with my sunroof. Sheshhh! It makes a girl not want to go to the store. I feel like maybe a dark cloud is hanging over my head every time the word “shop” comes up.
The other day while at a local shop I went to reach for fabric softener but I had to move a bottle of fabric spray first. When I picked the bottle up the bottom of it fell off and spilled all over me. Immediately when it touched my skin it began to burn. My entire right arm was bright red. I calmly walked to the front of the store to ask if I could wash it off in their restroom. I told the cashier what happened and handed her the bottomless bottle. To my surprise she told me they don’t have a public restroom. I told her it wasn’t about using the restroom. She insisted I go next door to their restroom and wash it off. I was livid but still under control UNTIL she reached for a bottle of Windex to wash off my now swollen and rashed up arm. I about fell over when she sprayed me with the bottle then reached to wipe it off with a rag. What is it with people and dirty rags anyway?
I had to mess with the colours so you can actually tell the doll is navy blue. This is the second doll I’ve made. I’d like to get good at this. It’s kind of fun. I really need to wash her dusty dress and get her some ribbons for her hair. Right now she’s just got the same blue material around her pony tails. I like her. I haven’t decided on a face or if I want to do a face. I’m not quite certain.
Austin
If I had the nerve, the guts, the whatever it takes to walk out of the house and sit in a movie theater I’d go see Batman: The Dark Knight. Had I been able to muster the nerve I’d have gone to see the movie Jumper. No nerve here. I’ll have to wait for it to come out on DVD.
By the way, I have some items I’m seeking that I’m willing to trade art for. If you have any of these used items and would like to choose and art piece I’ll mail you the art, you mail me the item. Contact info is on the sidebar.
1) Spiderman 2 DVD
2) Spiderman 3 DVD
3) Dreamgirls (2006) with Jennifer Hudson * DVD’s can be used but no bootleg/pirated copies.
4) The Once and Future King by T. H. White (hardcover)
This just reminded me that a friend of mine use to buy the latest DVD’s and rent them out to people for $2.00 per night. She’d go to their house and get the DVD if they were late. She didn’t wait for them to bring it back 3 days late or anything, if you didn’t show up she’d go get it. It was a help to low income families who wanted to see the latest movies but couldn’t. Some of my friends thought it was horrible but really, I thought it was great. I got to see all kinds of stuff that way. Two bucks no forms to fill out other than an x by the title and the date. Gotta love the idea.
I use to sell penny candy for a nickel in junior high school. I bought it bulk and sold it for a nickel each. I had a locker full of candy and plenty of addicts…I mean students waiting to spend lunch money on candy. I also use to tear out photos (from mags I purchased) of the latest teen craze and sell them for a dollar each. I sold a picture of The Karate Kid in the lunch line one day. Good days those were ….what a young hustler I was.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have an appointment with some flowers at the gardens which I will be going to after I finish sipping my Almond Joy coffee.
Almond Joy Coffee:
Chocolate syrup
Almond Extract
Coconut (take a bit of water, toss in some flakes, nuke it, strain out the flakes, add the water to your coffee)
Add cream and sugar to taste
J of A
I was sitting in my little lounge chair with a cream coloured throw over my legs sewing a little project I started earlier in the day. I know it’s hard to imagine but it’s true, in the corner of the room by a lamp, a dog and two cats I sat sewing while listening to the radio. It then occurred to me that Blossom wasn’t in the room. Why? Where is Blossom? Oh wait, that’s right, she’s not to come here anymore. But why? I can’t remember why. I nearly panic. Maybe someone should call her and tell her we’re sorry, tell her we didn’t mean it and we’ll never leave her again. Only I don’t know what we’re sorry about. I just want her back. I ask inside what’s going on. Someone told her to go away but I don’t remember why. I search and come up with one single person willing to answer that question, “If you’d stop deleting entries you could always go back on the blog and see why.”
With that said, I can’t delete entries anymore. Embarrassed or not I can’t remove them. The good thing is the rant/rave isn’t deleted, it’s just in the drafts folder. The only way we keep up with ourselves is through this blog. If I take down entries then I lose a record of what I’ve said and done…what we’ve said and done. I need that record because we switch too much to try and remember everything. Lately our grounding is off so even if one of us goes off the deep end and rants and raves we can’t take it down. We need the record or we’re always at the mercy of dissociation.
I now know why she’s not here. It still hurts though. It still hurts.
Where have I been? Really, where have I been? I don’t understand …….. I have flashes of an argument then black and white words in an entry but mostly I have emptiness. Where have I been?
Out of my mouth blurts “I’ve come to the conclusion that the art in your office sucks.” He kinda smiled then asked a question that got me thinking. He wanted to know if when we are so blunt about things if it’s intended to make the other person uncomfortable. Our immediate answer was of course “no” but after further thought the answer is yes but not a blanket yes.
Usually the person that is painfully blunt is Destiny. She says things that others of us wouldn’t say. Destiny is third protector from the top. She’s known for being mouthy and obnoxious, so much so that it turns people off. That’s the point though. She’s a “get away from me” signal, a warning shot in defense of some perceived threat. At the time she blurted out that his art is crap the threat was silence after discussing Monday’s in session triggers and subsequent vomiting.
Destiny’s purpose is two fold, handle the sexual part of life and deal with non-physical threats. The way she deals with those threats is to go straight for the heart. She’ll bring up a personal detail and tear it apart. The girl can cut right to the heart and insult someone in 10 different ways before they even know it. She talks fast, throws out a lot of information and leaves the person riling and twisted. They’re trying to process the first onslaught even though she’s on the third or fourth. If anyone has ever seen the comedian Richard Lewis then you know while you’re laughing at the first joke he’s cracked you’ve missed 4 or 5 others. This is Destiny’s style. You blink and you’ll miss something. Richard Lewis is funny but Destiny is there to make sure you don’t come back. She wants you uncomfortable, so much so that you leave us alone for good. She’s the great bluffer.
From: Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) Vocalist Palbasha Siddique singing Praan by Garry Schyman.
I think his dance in India is my favorite followed by the dance in South Africa. I’m not sure what the heck was going on with the bunnies in Japan but the video sure made my heart smile. It’s a quite hopeful video. In light of conditions, if you can make the world dance for just a moment then you’re something special. Thanks Matt.
Austin
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