I left a message for him to call me today and he did. He said he didn’t realize that he made the chomping motion but that he does remember doing the hitting motion. He said it was unconscious and a mistake. I asked him if he remembered when we talked about my mother and S&M and how she wasn’t able to finish without there being some sort of pain. She had to give some sort of pain to be able to have any satisfaction at all. His response was, “I guess one just didn’t do it for her?” He says he doesn’t remember saying that and that it doesn’t sound like something he’d say. So now I’m questioning that part of it….I didn’t give one inch on the phone for it though. I told him I heard what I heard but now I wonder. FUCK!
Monday when we went in we only threw up before but not after. I thought we did pretty good. I really don’t want to go tomorrow. I’d like to just stay home but we have to go in. We can’t call him, talk about this then not show up the next day. That wouldn’t be right. I suppose the good thing is that tomorrow is it for the week then we have until Monday to not have therapy.
I feel very unsatisfied by artwork right now. I can’t seem to do enough and I don’t feel carried or sustained by it right now. I just do more and more and feel less and less happy. I painted and felt no real comfort by it at all. Lots of noise in my head as well as empty space like someone is missing, like someone walked away. I don’t know why I said that though.
I’m suppose to look back on the blog to see when we had the original conversation about the mother cause I couldn’t remember when we talked about it. I know it’s on the blog cause everything is here. I told him I’d try to find the date. He can then find his notes when I come up with the date.
Got it!
Female Sadists- Therapy Discussion
1 of 2- Thursday, April 17, 2008-1:55AM EST, 2 of 2- 2:27AM EST
I’m so happy we write stuff down.
I should sleep
Ariel
Wed/July09/08-1:52AM/EST
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