The People Behind My Eyes

That’s that smirk I’m talking about that I see on your face from time to time. Then we realize it’s a nervous habit not a way to be mean or cruel. Maybe when we give details about the abuse, especially the physical torture maybe he’s getting off on it. The doctor enjoys stories of abuse. This is our mother talking, this is something the mother said happens with therapists, that they listen to details and get off on it. What a way to destroy trust, even those who we go to for help we can’t trust because they’re secretly there for their own sick gain.

Can I have my mind back? Can I have some quiet?

We didn’t trust his reasons for calling us back. There’s strong paranoia with him that he just wants to keep us as a client so he can hear us tell him these things. Why else would he call us back? He doesn’t care. We’re just his source for torture details. He’s probably at home jacking off to this shit.

There is a video that we ran into over at the blog by Battle Weary. The video is a very good depiction of the chaos that can go on inside the mind of someone with multiple personality disorder. While it does not portray all people with DID it does give a good picture of my system. It gives a good picture of the activity level, the noise level and the preparation taken to deal with the outside world. It shows people all talking at once, kids skipping about, someone is apologizing, someone is leading and everything is chaotic. The only thing I don’t like about the video is that the guy is in a hospital for some sort of crime he’s committed. Anyway, we see Robert in this video talking about how untrustworthy the world is and how he knows people are out to get him. The alter in the video seems Schizophrenic. Robert is paranoid based on what happened to him, not a brain disorder. Some of this is very dramatic but after the first 2 min you get a good picture of DID chaos. I should mention, the only person we cannot relate to this in this video is the huge muscle guy. Anyway, so, this is us, this is the noise level, the trust issues, the mocking and sing-song torturous ceaseless chatter that goes on in our head.

We talked about the painting we did this morning and how we ended up very satisfied and got the relief we usually feel from painting but hadn’t been getting the last week or so. He asked what the difference is. The critical voices in our head reminding us of our worthlessness weren’t over powering. You’re too messy. You should do this differently. This would be good if you weren’t so messy. You shouldn’t only paint faces. You shouldn’t always paint flowers, on and on and on until all we wanted to do was throw shit. Today the critical voices weren’t as loud and we ended up having a bit of insight into why we want to paint faces. Robert told him we’ve been a bit embarrassed about how much we’ve focused on them. Our sketch book is filled with faces and eyes, stuff like that. When we finished the painting this morning and then looked at it from a distance it shocked us to see the painting looked like us at around age six.

After we came home we painted a little bit more then went to sleep. We just got up to jot down the session review. I’ve got to go back to sleep. It is physically exhausting when Robert is out.

The Doc and Robert -Wednesday, July 09, 2008-12:13AM EST