The People Behind My Eyes

I crawled into bed, reluctantly, around 5 this morning. I put it off as long as I could and then went to bed. I knew there was an assault coming so why head in early ya know? Although last night’s dreams weren’t pleasant they were not as disturbing as usual. Still I had the theme of arguing, of shape shifting and abuse.

I was sitting in the car with my mother showing her my newest artwork and poetry. I didn’t want her to read the poetry but it was mixed in with the artwork. Instead of fishing it out so she couldn’t read it I trusted that while in the back seat she wouldn’t try and do it when I told her not to. She then handed me $3.00 and told me it was for insurance. She wanted to assure me that she wouldn’t read anything, just look at the artwork. NOTE: There are lots of mother transference issues with Blossom. Three dollars is 10% of the total amount Blossom pays for sex to me. Seeing as how I’m a high priced ho I told her if she wanted anything she’d have to start paying for it. The starting price for 20 min is $300. Needless to say I haven’t slept with her. Anyway, the mother thought less of me and offered three dollars but despite this deposit she kept reading my poetry. I asked her why and she said because she wanted to, she felt like it. Her attitude was so flippant that it stunned me. I’m especially offended when a person does something when they know good and well I’ve asked them not to. They may not understand why but they can at least not blatantly offend. The mother didn’t care if I saw her reading my poetry; she just kept on until I snatched the packet of artwork out of her hand. It baffles me when a person is purposefully offensive. I guess it doesn’t baffle me when they are abusive but it does when they look you dead in the eye and do something they know you just asked them not to do. To give the excuse “because I wanted to” makes my head go blank. I sit there stunned, not certain why anyone would be so outwardly callous. I suppose I see abuse differently. That offense with no concern does not baffle me. I suppose because I feel I have a right to only some of my personal space.

In the dream I got out of the car furious as all get out. I went inside the house, it was night time. The house was the house from the 4^th grade. I climbed into bed with my sister and slept beside a huge window. When I turned to look out the window I saw a country blue coloured recliner sitting in the yard with the foot rest extended. I could tell it was in good condition. I went out to drag it in because I’ve been needing a new recliner. When I went out the dog scooted past me and into the yard. That’s when I realized the recliner was actually inside my fence. After I dragged the chair in I went back out to fetch Captain who had left the yard for a quick swim in the neighbors in ground pool. I was pissed because he shouldn’t be outside the fence alone. When he came back over he turned into a teenage boy about 18 years old. He had no shirt on and a long pair of pants. I asked what in God’s name he was doing over in the neighbors pool when he knew better? He gave me the same answer the mother did, “because I wanted to.” Again I was furious. I started slapping his arm with my open hand. I could hear it hit his wet arm. I knew it had to sting but he didn’t flinch so I kept hitting him until someone in my head told me to stop. I let him walk back in the house. He didn’t care that he’d just been slapped repeatedly. He got to do what he wanted to do and it didn’t matter if I wanted him to do it or not.

COMMENTARY:

In real life, when Captain was 10 months old the mother slapped his nose. I pulled the car over and left her on the side of the road. Captain was sniffing her and she didn’t want him to. I would have given Captain the command to leave her alone but I didn’t know what he did until after she slapped him…hard. I pulled over and told her to get out!!!! That’s the only time I’ve ever kicked anyone out of my car or left them stranded. Once before she asked me if my dog has puppy personalities. I told her, “No, because I don’t abuse my dog.”

When I slapped the boy Captain in the dream and he didn’t respond to pain it was much like when my mother hit me. She hit until I responded. I learned to throw out a few tears so she’d stop. She wasn’t happy unless there was clear evidence of pain. I looked for that response until someone inside told me to stop and let him go back to bed. An alter told me to stop. I wonder if my mother ever had a conscience, one that told her she went too far?

RECURRENT DREAM THEME:

I don’t usually have dreams that take place at night but recently this theme has popped up. Again with the shape shifting of animal to human or human to animal, arguing, abuse, deception and offense. Sitting in the back seat of an automobile.

FEELINGS UPON WAKING:

Spacey, tired

I have a long day ahead of me. I’m going to the gardens today then Subway for a tuna melt. I’d rather sit here and do nothing.

J of A

Dream Slapping Captain-Sunday, July 13, 2008-2:31AM EST