The People Behind My Eyes

The other entry about “women are bad for my health” was written in humor. I personally wouldn’t have said it and some may take offense to it but I can’t take it down because I didn’t write it. We kinda have a rule here in Morton’s Pride. If we didn’t write it we don’t edit or delete it. I didn’t write it so I won’t touch that entry. Enough said about that.

Here’s the thing, I’m about to rant and rave just because I need to. I figure the side of me who wanted to offer a sarcastic response to what happened is no longer around. The pissed part of me is here and I’m about to let it rip.

This is the thing, this is just stupid. I mean really, no matter what I say it’ll be taken out of context. I asked if she’d seen Captain’s Frontline. From there she thought I accused her of losing it. I never said that and didn’t realize she thought it until this evening. I never said that, I asked if she’d seen it. If she knew where I put it. I lose stuff all the time how on earth does blaming her come into it? I found it. When I said I found it she was upset that I didn’t tell her. Well ya know, so many other things have come up since then that I didn’t even think about it again. Seeing as how I didn’t accuse you of losing it in the first place why would I come back and go, oh, by the way you’re off the hook. I no longer think you lost my Frontline. WTF? I never thought it in the first place so yeah, I was a bit shocked when you asked me, “Do you still think I lost Captain’s Frontline” And WTF did that have to do with anything at all that we were talking about? That was clear out of left field. OMG!!!!

The other day she calls me crying, she needs $60 to change her locks because she gave a crackhead her house key and he made a copy so he could come and go when he pleased. I didn’t have the $60 to give. She lied to me, twisted what she told me and then somehow it’s my fault because I won’t give her $60.00. She spins this web and goes in circles, back pedals and then I’m to make sense out of it. So today I called her on it. I told her she can’t spin a web with me and out right lie and expect me to not be angry. You can’t say one thing to me then later say you didn’t say it because now you need something from me and that need doesn’t jive with your original story so you have to make one up and twist things around so that I begin to question myself. Fuck that! I told her she’s making me crazy, making me question myself. I feel like I need to tape our conversations just so I can go, “No, you said this. I have it on tape.”

The other day she told me her therapist had her baby. I’d forgotten how long it was since she told me her therapist was on leave. I didn’t keep up with her therapist’s labor. I didn’t know if she actually had the baby or if it was a false alarm or what. So when she told me she had the baby my response was, “Oh, when?” A few days later she told me she didn’t appreciate me making fun of her. I was shocked because I really didn’t remember how long it had been. She said I should have remembered and that it all added up to me making fun of her and mocking her. What!!!! I wasn’t trying to keep up with her therapist. One statement and it’s taken wrong and held onto. Trust me, I have more to do than count the fucking days that her fucking therapist has been gone. What the fuck!! I mean for real!!! I have more to do than sit around counting the days her therapist was with child!!!!!! No I wasn’t making fun of her. Am I allowed to forget without it being a personal attack? For the love of Pete!!!!!

So, I picked her up to go to the store and only accepted $5 in gas money. I handed $10 back because $15 for gas money is crazy. I don’t care if gas is $4 a gallon right now $15 is crazy to take from a “friend.” I think she felt bad because she knows full well she charged me $20 and she charged other friends $20. Well ya know what? When you get in my car and go to the store w/ me I don’t plan on taking from your grocery money. That’s bull shit. I won’t do it. I’m sorry you feel guilty about having done it but I’m not going to do it. Not gonna happen. I got my gas back. I’m good. I’m not trying to make a profit here. I wanted to help run an errand not give myself half a tank of gas for going 6 miles round trip. That’s crazy and something she did, not me!!! So now she’s like, well you told me you were broke. I am broke but right is right and wrong is wrong. I’m not taking that for helping you get to the store. It’s wrong!!! We went six miles, shut up or take a fucking cab and give them your money if you just have to give that kind of money. Shit!!! So when I bought a $5 DVD (that would be X-Men 2) she asked if I was so broke how could I afford to buy a DVD? I told her being a grown ass woman I do not have to justify my purchases to anybody. If I decide that I want to spend my last $5 on a DVD then I have to live with the consequences of having no money. I decided I wanted the DVD therefore now I’m really broke. But you know what? That was my decision. That five dollars wouldn’t have gone to anything other than a coke here and there but at least with a DVD that I wanted I have something permanent. Did she think of that? It’s five dollars. What major purchase, what emergency service would that have gone to? I have everything I need this month. I have what I need, food, gas, the kids (dog and cats) are fine, what would that five dollars have gotten me that would have made a huge difference in my quality of life? Nothing! But why must I justify my purchases to someone who can’t for the life of her manage her own money?

I happen to think I’m doing okay. For what I bring in I think I manage it pretty damn well!!!!!!!! I have enough as long as she doesn’t come in here eating all my food and taking things that don’t belong to her. I can’t handle the lying or the stealing or watching what I say for fear that she’ll take it wrong. One simple question, “Have you seen” does not mean you lost it. My gracious!!!

Of course she wants to know if my anger towards her is mother transference. OMG girl no, no, stop, for real cause if you say one more word I’m going to seize. She thinks maybe I’m really angry at my mother and not her …… For real, my chest hurts….. Oh my gracious. How, how does someone so damn fucked up……arghhhhhh!! OMG. My gracious, did you not just two days ago - unprompted - confess your undying love to me? Can we skip the love part and just have you drop dead? And no the hell you did not say you bet Destiny would like to…..oh hell no she wouldn’t you stupid fucking no good low down bitch. She’d like to wrap her hands around your throat and squeeze the life out of you. … Okay, deep breath Austin, breathe…. cause really, my chest is tight. Damnit I was having a good day until I picked up the phone.

I know this comes off funny in some spots but damn, for real, this is just insane. I’m done with my long winded rant.

Joan of Arc ( not the alter you prefer to sleep with. You said you like Destiny better….YOU BITCH! )

Not All Women - This Woman-Tuesday, July 15, 2008-12:07AM EST