Someone knocked on the door today. I peaked out and two teenagers selling magazines stood in the door. I forgot I was wearing my PJ’s. The girl started laughing as she read my shirt out loud, “I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.” So there I am in long Old Navy bottoms and a DID T-shirt on listening to this spiel. The girl thought it was funny, the gentleman was a bit nervous. Perhaps he was nervous because Captain watched him like a hawk. Either way, I didn’t purchase any magazines and we laughed as she explained that one of her 10 personalities hoped to go to college one day. Thank you for that guys, I needed the laugh..……
I gave the URL to the short film called INSiDE to Dr. D to see. We talked about it through most of the session on Wednesday and how it relates to me. He said what he was struck by was all the noise and how loud it was and how everyone talked at the same time. He said he didn’t realize that it was that loud in my head at times.
We talked about how much time I spend on the net and how we are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the internet. I depend on it and he stays away from it. He said he assumed I spend most of my day in this here chair so I told him that I spend about 5 hours a day on the net doing various things from artwork to blogging to surfing for this and that. I told him there are 2 days a week where I spend about 2 hours on the net. I think people who don’t use the net assume we all sit here for hours playing games, chatting with people we don’t know and forgetting the real world. I won’t even attempt to try to get him to see some of us use balance in our lives. What I do is no different than what someone who sits at a desk with a pencil all day does. I put in my time and then deal with the rest of my life. It’s a job, one I happen to enjoy.
We talked again about how much time I spend at home. LORD!!! Yes, I spend quite a bit of time alone okay, I get it, I’m still hiding in the closet I hid in as a child only this time the closet it bigger. I get it but I don’t plan to change it. This is what I need. I need the quiet to function and thrive. If I spent more time outside this house I’d be worse than I am now so live w/ it Dr. D. I go out everyday, that’s enough. Fuck the pressure; I’m not going out more than I do.
Right now I’m frustrated with every living thing and trying my best not to spill anger. I’m not angry w/ Dr. D (annoyed about the pressure and the assumption that my entire life is wrapped up in something he sees no value in) but I’m not angry w/ him. I’m angry with Blossom. I’m sad, I’m depressed and hurt and I really just want to sleep. I said a few posts ago that this round with Blossom is coming to a quick end and it did. It came to a head the other night. Why do couples always fight about money? That’s what we fought about, that and the lies, her steeling and other behaviors I just can’t deal with. I feel like I’ve been knocked on my ass.
Things – This and That-Thursday, July 17, 2008-7:14PM EST
I could have written most of this post. I also spend many hours on the internet each day as if it were a job. I love it and it grounds me. My T is constantly wanting me to go out more. He just doesn’t get it. It is WAY to overwhelming and besides I LOVE being in my home. He can call it hiding - I just call it enjoying my life the way I want to. Until he walks in my shoes all the book learning in the world isn’t going to make him truly understand!
BTW, I Love the T-shirt!!!
Tamara
So what exactly is wrong with sitting for “hours playing games, chatting with people we don’t know and forgetting the real world” - huh??
My T probably thinks I spend too much time on the internet too. But if she’d cure me then I could make real friends