The People Behind My Eyes

Last night when I was in bed I rolled over and thought to myself, you know what? I’m done. It scared me. It scares me how easily I break anymore. When I thought it I realized I needed to try and put a safety plan in place, make sure I don’t get to the point where I screw up all I’ve worked for. After that thought went through my head it occurred to me that what I’m doing day in and day out is not enough to sustain me emotionally, physically or spiritually. I can’t feed this depression and expect to feel better. I am trying hard to get better and not simply give in.

I know a lot of the issue is Blossom but it’s also my dreams, flashbacks and other stuff I don’t even bother to blog about. I also don’t seem to handle physical pain well anymore. I stay at a 9 out of 10. It’s not as if I haven’t stayed this high before it’s that it’s getting old. I don’t handle the pain that well anymore. This stupid writs of mine can’t just be spraned. I think there’s something more wrong with it than that but going to the doctor to hold my hand out just isn’t something I can do without feeling a dowel rod come down on them. I can’t do it. The one thing I could never dissociate far enough from was dowel rods on the palms of my hands. I can not hold my hand out, palm up and not panic and come home safely. The wrist is a small drop in this bucket. I feel tapped and tired. Hopefully, more than likely it will pass. It seems harder each time though. I feel like I have less to fight with each time. I’m sorry to say that……sorry about that…

Joan of Arc (w/ Robert close by)