Out of my mouth blurts “I’ve come to the conclusion that the art in your office sucks.” He kinda smiled then asked a question that got me thinking. He wanted to know if when we are so blunt about things if it’s intended to make the other person uncomfortable. Our immediate answer was of course “no” but after further thought the answer is yes but not a blanket yes.
Usually the person that is painfully blunt is Destiny. She says things that others of us wouldn’t say. Destiny is third protector from the top. She’s known for being mouthy and obnoxious, so much so that it turns people off. That’s the point though. She’s a “get away from me” signal, a warning shot in defense of some perceived threat. At the time she blurted out that his art is crap the threat was silence after discussing Monday’s in session triggers and subsequent vomiting.
Destiny’s purpose is two fold, handle the sexual part of life and deal with non-physical threats. The way she deals with those threats is to go straight for the heart. She’ll bring up a personal detail and tear it apart. The girl can cut right to the heart and insult someone in 10 different ways before they even know it. She talks fast, throws out a lot of information and leaves the person riling and twisted. They’re trying to process the first onslaught even though she’s on the third or fourth. If anyone has ever seen the comedian Richard Lewis then you know while you’re laughing at the first joke he’s cracked you’ve missed 4 or 5 others. This is Destiny’s style. You blink and you’ll miss something. Richard Lewis is funny but Destiny is there to make sure you don’t come back. She wants you uncomfortable, so much so that you leave us alone for good. She’s the great bluffer. When she speaks she’s hiding the fact that we feel very afraid, uneasy, confused and weary that the person may hurt us in some way. After all that talk she wouldn’t throw a single punch. It’s not in her to do so but from the way she talks one would think the girl is quick to violence. That’s the point though, scare ‘em and make ‘em leave us alone. She’s there for psychological threats to our system.
When she told Dr. D that the art in his office is crap she said it while the moment was quiet and still. We’d talked about how unstable we feel and about how that one flashback comes so fast that it simply snatches us up and takes us against our will. This means he now knows what it is that we feel defenseless against. If he knows then that information can be used against us. In that moment of silence panic set in. He knows. He knows what makes us weak and that can’t be so wham, Destiny is there to take focus off that and make it personal. The other person isn’t sure if she’s joking or serious but attention is off us, so she thinks, and on the other person. They’re on the defense because they don’t know what’s coming out of her mouth next. Now they’re the one uncomfortable and in a vulnerable state. She’s the one in control now. They’re waiting, squirming and eventually take their leave. Her job is done, one less person we have to deal with.
This tactic of dealing with offenses worked as a child but it isn’t always the best way to deal with things now. We know where we got the use of our tongue and the use of personal attacks as a weapon. We know where we got our ability to dig and leave a hole which will take awhile to heal. But what I would like to do is find a way to better manage perceived threats without the use of this old coping skill. Sometimes what she says isn’t as offensive as other times. I guess the greater the threat the worse her mouth gets. The thing about the artwork isn’t half as bad as some of the stuff she’s said but the purpose is the same. I’d like a better means of reaching that end.
So how does this make her feel? Bad and very much like our mother. She wants to stay inside, not talk to anyone, not make Morton’s Pride look like moronic, big mouth assholes. She pops out from time to time when there is no real threat just because she wants to see the light of day but she quickly retreats because she feels she’ll just mess things up. There is guilt and shame and fear which of course means her automatic response should be, “come out and fend off the thing that’s causing fear”.
J of A
Defenses-Friday, July 25, 2008-3:12PM EST
I can identify with what you wrote today. I have a personality like that, but as much as a mouth shes got on her, and sharpness of her tongue, shes frightened she will get caught and have to defend her statement, that the other person wont back down and then what? She doesnt really want to hurt the person,.. but just has to show that she can and will defend us.
Plural Viewpoint
I’m happy that made sense and I didn’t sound like a total jackass.
Thank you for your comments lately. I appreciate them.
Austin
I wish I was closer to ya’ll so that I could meet Destiny too. We could hang out and if she did make you all look like a moron, no worries. I will either forget about it or end up looking like a bigger fool than she does.
Everyone needs someone they can see the light of day with and feel comfortable.
You’re not a jackass. You’re the furthest thing from a jackass that I’ve ever know. We all have our positive and negative coping strategies. I think your insight into this is amazing. You’ve been working really hard lately, and I know you’re exhausted. All I can say is be gentle with yourself.
I have a part similar to Destiny. When she’s around we don’t have a whole lot of fun. She doesn’t talk much, though, because like Destiny there is the fear of making us look like morons.
Even though this alter isn’t a barrel of monkeys, she’s absolutely necessary to my system’s survival. She gets stuck doing the dirty work no one else will–or can–do: confront people, stand up for the defenseless, speak the truth (not always in very tactful ways.)