I was sitting in my little lounge chair with a cream coloured throw over my legs sewing a little project I started earlier in the day. I know it’s hard to imagine but it’s true, in the corner of the room by a lamp, a dog and two cats I sat sewing while listening to the radio. It then occurred to me that Blossom wasn’t in the room. Why? Where is Blossom? Oh wait, that’s right, she’s not to come here anymore. But why? I can’t remember why. I nearly panic. Maybe someone should call her and tell her we’re sorry, tell her we didn’t mean it and we’ll never leave her again. Only I don’t know what we’re sorry about. I just want her back. I ask inside what’s going on. Someone told her to go away but I don’t remember why. I search and come up with one single person willing to answer that question, “If you’d stop deleting entries you could always go back on the blog and see why.”
With that said, I can’t delete entries anymore. Embarrassed or not I can’t remove them. The good thing is the rant/rave isn’t deleted, it’s just in the drafts folder. The only way we keep up with ourselves is through this blog. If I take down entries then I lose a record of what I’ve said and done…what we’ve said and done. I need that record because we switch too much to try and remember everything. Lately our grounding is off so even if one of us goes off the deep end and rants and raves we can’t take it down. We need the record or we’re always at the mercy of dissociation.
I now know why she’s not here. It still hurts though. It still hurts.
Where have I been? Really, where have I been? I don’t understand …….. I have flashes of an argument then black and white words in an entry but mostly I have emptiness. Where have I been?
You could always leave those type of posts as drafts or put a strong password on them.
Or go get a wp.com blog for those types of posts. Mark it totally private. I have one of those for just getting shit out.
My blog really helps me in seeing where I’ve been, any progress made, etc.
I know what it’s like to have to keep someone at a distance, but to miss them anyway. Oh I know that feeling so well.
I think the idea of marking those posts in some way is a great idea. I journal (haven’t gotten courageous to blog yet) and I have a special mark in the journal that tells me this is a difficult or triggering one, be careful.
The journal has helped me see how much progress I have made on those days that I think I’m going nowhere, never will get anywhere and should just quit.
Thanks for having the courage to put your thoughts out here - I enjoying reading and using other’s journeys to help myself.
Wendy
I keep all those type posts as drafts. Some I eventually publish - others I do not. I title them with something that will let me know if it might trigger, or if it is a vent or something to remind me of the subject matter.
I have the phone messages she left me saved. I also have an email I sent to her as well as the drafts. For now that’s good enough. I can’t say I want to go back and read it but I do have it.
One reason we don’t open up another blog for private stuff is that we wanted to keep it simple for ourselves. We want one place to go to for information. Our category marked Morton’s Pride is one we can click on and get info directed at us. We need to remember to use that category. I also like the idea of password stuff but I hate how WP does it. They put this big dramatic title on it PROTECTED. Gracious, talk about drawing attention to oneself.
I don’t know that the entries are triggering for us I think we’re ashamed of the ranting and stuff. Besides, I’m sure people are getting tired of the whole Blossom situation. I mean dang, what can we rant about that’s new with her?
I wonder why I’ve become so paralyzed by shame these days?
Maybe you could just publish it but “keep as private”?
sorry if that’s been said already.