We tried something different today during therapy. Since I’ve had a really hard time staying grounded I decided I’d take my sketch pad in and sketch while talking to him. I did that. I also brought in the doll and showed it to him and told him why I made her. From there we started talking about therapy goals and how to structure the sessions. We set a few goals and then the tone changed. He said he’d like to build some trust with me. The “t-word”. I felt myself tighten up. I was a bit angry simply at the suggestion that I trust him. He said there may be a time when we have a session where I reveal something and show that I trust him. He said he’d like to point that out. I told him to do so means to erase all the trust that might already be there. I said to tell me I trusted you is a red flag for me. It’s the same as saying “You trusted me with this information, let your guard down, opened up and I chose not to hurt you. I just wanted to let you know I still have control and can hurt you when you least expect it.”
He pressed the issue which of course brought Robert to the front. He told him, you can bring up how we’ve come to trust you if you want to but just know you’ll erase any work we’ve done by doing so. We’ll start all over with the whole trust issue because it raises too many red flags for us. He kept pushing. Robert snapped at him, “Just don’t okay, don’t fuck this up.” Dr. D said “Okay, I’ll try not to.” Robert disappeared and Amy popped out for just a second followed by me. We started talking a little bit about the doll and about a few other things. I don’t remember what. Overall I’d say it was a good session, not too stressful, productive and not totally overtaken by switching. We looked at how my doodling changed when the conversation changed. It was kind of interesting.
After therapy I’ve been going to my secret garden place. It’s not far from here at all. I snatch up Cappy Crunch and head down there to walk around and see life and nature. There are huge water fountains, a rose garden, lots of lavender and a planetarium. An employee suggested that I inquire about a volunteer position there. I told her I’d work for sunflowers. There’s not a sunflower on the grounds but I still go. It’s a wonderfully peaceful park. They even have an arts center there. The good thing is this is close to home. I don’t have to travel far for my safe place. I also enjoy the rocks and huge shade trees. The benches they have are set up really far apart so you’re not sitting close to anyone when relaxing. It feels like I can see forever when I’m at the peek point of the park at a bench. The first thing I can see is a center piece water fountain surrounded by lavender. From there you’ve got all kinds of flowers and brick trails. The bricks have dedications and thank you notes engraved on them too. I like to follow the path once I’ve taken in the area from the peek. It’s an awesome place to take a breather.
I figure I won’t go planting a sunflower there because it might be considered botanical graffiti.
Milwaukee
Therapy and Garden Parks - Wednesday, July 30, 2008-6:10PM EST
I like the idea of having a secret garden to escape to. It sounds just so beautiful - really comforting. I used to have a place like that when I was young. It’s a special thing to have - great for rough days like that =)
I’m glad Robert stood his ground. Sounds like your T listened to you and took your concerns about the whole trust issue seriously.
hello Austin,
I just discovered your blog yesterday while searching for information on PTSD. I spent hours reading your journals. This is an amazing thing you are doing and it has inspired me on my own journey. Thank you so much for this.
About trust. well. It is not something that you just build and then that’s it. It changes all of the time, sometimes more sometimes less. I think sometimes when Ts ask about trust it is really more about them than about us. They just need to deal with their own shit and let us go through our process and let it happen as it happens knowing that it changes day to day.
that’s just my opinion though
Sounds like a beautiful place. I used to go to the parks around my house when I was in the States. You can disappear in there and just be. I wish I could find somewhere like that here. Unfortunately, I stick out like a sore thumb in this country.