Monthly Archive for July, 2008

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For The Record

Published on July 26, 2008 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Morton's Pride and Relationships. 6 Comments

I was sitting in my little lounge chair with a cream coloured throw over my legs sewing a little project I started earlier in the day. I know it’s hard to imagine but it’s true, in the corner of the room by a lamp, a dog and two cats I sat sewing while listening to the radio. It then occurred to me that Blossom wasn’t in the room. Why? Where is Blossom? Oh wait, that’s right, she’s not to come here anymore. But why? I can’t remember why. I nearly panic. Maybe someone should call her and tell her we’re sorry, tell her we didn’t mean it and we’ll never leave her again. Only I don’t know what we’re sorry about. I just want her back. I ask inside what’s going on. Someone told her to go away but I don’t remember why. I search and come up with one single person willing to answer that question, “If you’d stop deleting entries you could always go back on the blog and see why.”

With that said, I can’t delete entries anymore. Embarrassed or not I can’t remove them. The good thing is the rant/rave isn’t deleted, it’s just in the drafts folder. The only way we keep up with ourselves is through this blog. If I take down entries then I lose a record of what I’ve said and done…what we’ve said and done. I need that record because we switch too much to try and remember everything. Lately our grounding is off so even if one of us goes off the deep end and rants and raves we can’t take it down. We need the record or we’re always at the mercy of dissociation.

I now know why she’s not here. It still hurts though. It still hurts.

Where have I been? Really, where have I been? I don’t understand …….. I have flashes of an argument then black and white words in an entry but mostly I have emptiness. Where have I been?

Defenses

Published on July 25, 2008 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Morton's Pride, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 5 Comments

Out of my mouth blurts “I’ve come to the conclusion that the art in your office sucks.” He kinda smiled then asked a question that got me thinking. He wanted to know if when we are so blunt about things if it’s intended to make the other person uncomfortable. Our immediate answer was of course “no” but after further thought the answer is yes but not a blanket yes.

Usually the person that is painfully blunt is Destiny. She says things that others of us wouldn’t say. Destiny is third protector from the top. She’s known for being mouthy and obnoxious, so much so that it turns people off. That’s the point though. She’s a “get away from me” signal, a warning shot in defense of some perceived threat. At the time she blurted out that his art is crap the threat was silence after discussing Monday’s in session triggers and subsequent vomiting.

Destiny’s purpose is two fold, handle the sexual part of life and deal with non-physical threats. The way she deals with those threats is to go straight for the heart. She’ll bring up a personal detail and tear it apart. The girl can cut right to the heart and insult someone in 10 different ways before they even know it. She talks fast, throws out a lot of information and leaves the person riling and twisted. They’re trying to process the first onslaught even though she’s on the third or fourth. If anyone has ever seen the comedian Richard Lewis then you know while you’re laughing at the first joke he’s cracked you’ve missed 4 or 5 others. This is Destiny’s style. You blink and you’ll miss something. Richard Lewis is funny but Destiny is there to make sure you don’t come back. She wants you uncomfortable, so much so that you leave us alone for good. She’s the great bluffer. Continue reading ‘Defenses’

Random Friday: Make The World Dance

Published on July 25, 2008 in For the Record. 0 Comments Tags: , .

From: Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) Vocalist Palbasha Siddique singing Praan by Garry Schyman.

I think his dance in India is my favorite followed by the dance in South Africa. I’m not sure what the heck was going on with the bunnies in Japan but the video sure made my heart smile. It’s a quite hopeful video. In light of conditions, if you can make the world dance for just a moment then you’re something special. Thanks Matt.
Austin

I Remember Yesterday

Published on July 24, 2008 in Dissociative Identity Disorder. 0 Comments

…not really, but the title sounds good

…like a movie or something.

J of A

Encouragement

Published on July 23, 2008 in Art. 4 Comments

I needed some encouragement so what did I do? I took to the computer and did some painting. I then went to my art table and did some painting, came back to the PC and finished what I like to call “I Will Shine.”
I Will Shine

You can also see her on the art site (Sundrip) in the Visionary Gallery. The art site showing has a short poem and description.

J of A

Tremble: Therapy Review

Published on July 23, 2008 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy. 2 Comments

I realize I’m trembling. My teeth start to chatter. I cover my mouth with my sleeve. I just got snot on it. I hope that’s not too gross I think. I keep looking around the room at the mismatched art. He has Asian, Hispanic and Indian but nothing good. He has something so drab and stark it reminds me of myself. He says a name and I jump. I think to myself, “Why does he keep calling me that?” I can see him, almost but not clearly. I know where I am but I’m still afraid. He wants to know why I’m afraid but all I can do is cover my mouth and rock. I’m scared. I have to get grounded but I forgot my drawing pad. I can’t draw. I’ve got my little duck and I’ve got some candy. I need a cigarette. We have to turn the lights up higher, it’s too dark. I keep going away. I have to get myself under control, get grounded, at least enough to walk out of here and not let on that I crumbled at the mere mention of going to the doctor. It’s just that the sight of her is so close. I can feel her on my hands. I run but not far enough. Someone inside is calling, “Help me.” Someone else is whining “No” someone else is coming up so quickly that I can’t tell who it is. I’m watching myself rock. I can hear him call a name. I snap back. I forgot he was sitting there. I keep forgetting that he’s sitting there.

How strange to experience the past and present simultaneously. It’s like a movie, watching myself, watching him, looking at everything in the room and seeing and feeling my mother. It’s like a movie. I’m watching. Adam comes so fast I don’t even know he’s there until he’s gone. I must have looked so strange to be in that kind of condition then sitting up right breathing normally, not in a total panic. It doesn’t last long because that view is back. I can hear the crying. I can see everything and hear everything just like it was yesterday. I have to walk out of here like I’m okay. I hope he doesn’t touch me. God if he touches me I’ll lose my mind. He stands back really far and lets me past. I say “um” like it’s a complete sentence then “Yeah…um..um..yeah.” I walk away. We walk away. If we keep freaking out like this he’s going to quit. We can’t keep freaking out like this.

Tremble: Therapy Review -Tuesday, July 22, 2008-11:48PM EST

Coffee Attack, Criminals and Gross Cab Drivers

Published on July 22, 2008 in Humor. 3 Comments

Why do I even try to be clean on the way to therapy? Why shower, put on clean, unwrinkled clothes, smell good, comb my hair, etc when I know full well I’m going to spill something? At this point I’m just ruining clothes. I again got attacked by my cup of coffee. It started off bad. I poured a cup of coffee and a fly got in it. Had it been a small fly I may have been able to dissociate the thought away, pretend that I didn’t pull a fruit fly out of a perfect cup of coffee but nope, this was a juicy one. When I pulled him out it was as if he had just gorged on something. I could not excuse that. I had to pour the very last of the coffee into my cup then run out to meet Cabby Negative. I did just that but not without consequences. See, I should have stopped and just let the coffee go but nope, I had to pour another cup. Inside the cab while he swerved and cursed I ended up spilling it. I asked if he had any napkins. The man actually tried to hand me a “white” washrag that he’d clearly used for unsanitary purposes. I know that thing had about 5 different diseases on it. I said, “Nah, that’s okay.” He said, “What’s wrong with the rag?” What’s wrong with the rag? I thought to myself…well, as you took your hand with the dirty long fingernails and brought that rag towards me I noticed the dirty sweat marks on it as well as hairs caught in the fibers of the rag…that’s what’s wrong with it. He offered me another rag. Again I turned it down. Continue reading ‘Coffee Attack, Criminals and Gross Cab Drivers’