Monthly Archive for July, 2008

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Beautiful Dreamer’s Blog

Published on July 22, 2008 in For the Record. 2 Comments

Beautiful Dreamer would like for everyone to know she’s working on getting her blog up and running properly again. She would be grateful for everyone’s patients. While we wait for the Dreamer to return let us continue to spread malicious lies about her. … No, I’m kidding.

It’s storming out this way and I’m not sure how long I’ll have power so I need to stop playing around and hit send. Beauty shall be back soon. When she is I’ll delete this post and she’ll never know I was willing to spread rumors behind her cyber back.

Austin

What Was I Looking For?

Published on July 21, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Female Sadist, Mental Health, Morton's Pride and PTSD. 1 Comment

I have before sought out pain, gone looking for it like a drug, gone searching for it. It’s not that hard to find. A long time ago when I was majorly triggered and felt unsafe looking like a girl I decided to best way to defeminize myself was to shave my head and look like a boy. I always thought as a child it was safer to be a boy than a girl. Girls get hurt I thought, boys do too but for me being a girl seemed worse. So that day I shaved it, walked out of the apartment into a hallway full of people with the hope that someone would tell me how crazy I am. I was disappointed when a neighbor told me I was the only person she knew who could get away with “that look.” I was disappointed, left empty because I didn’t need confirmation or a compliment, I needed cruelty and hurtful words. I needed scars to accent the ones I already have. What was I looking for? I needed to remember my place, to remember that I should not try to act like I deserve anything but a slap in the face. I was looking for someone to remind me that I’m alive. I don’t feel alive sometimes. I don’t trust that when I have a piece of happiness that it belongs to me or that I deserve to have it. I believe it’ll be taken. I believe it’s a trick. I know I’m alive if I’m hurt. I may wish I were dead but I know I’m alive. Continue reading ‘What Was I Looking For?’

Who Am I meme

Published on July 21, 2008 in Depression and Mental Health. 2 Comments

I am: just the girl next door
I think: I have too much time on my hands
I have: no mercy for myself.
I wish: today never happened.
I hate: and love sunflowers.
I miss: my sister
I fear: falling deeper into depression
I hear: life gets better
I smell: blood and urine, all the time
I crave: silence
I search: for a reason to get up each morning
I wonder: why I keep doing this.
I regret: having wasted so much time toiling
I love: and hate art
I ache: in my heart and in my bones
I am not: good (please do not respond to this part cause I don’t want to hear it.)
I believe: that I’m crazy
I dance: in the living room with candles
I sing: I don’t sing
I cry: but only when I feel like I’m out of options
I fight: tooth and nail to stay awake so I don’t dream
I win:
I lose:
I never: asked the question, “Who am I”
I always: Have coffee after dinner
I confuse: the feeling of soft with the feeling of wet
I listen: to music to drown out the people in my head
I am scared: all the time
I need: to be held and to matter
I am happy about: having a blog and blog friends but it doesn’t feel like enough to keep me going.
I imagine: being inside the painting Ladybird.

copied from Clinically Clueless .

J of A

In My Head

Published on July 21, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

Last night when I was in bed I rolled over and thought to myself, you know what? I’m done. It scared me. It scares me how easily I break anymore. When I thought it I realized I needed to try and put a safety plan in place, make sure I don’t get to the point where I screw up all I’ve worked for. After that thought went through my head it occurred to me that what I’m doing day in and day out is not enough to sustain me emotionally, physically or spiritually. I can’t feed this depression and expect to feel better. I am trying hard to get better and not simply give in.

I know a lot of the issue is Blossom but it’s also my dreams, flashbacks and other stuff I don’t even bother to blog about. I also don’t seem to handle physical pain well anymore. I stay at a 9 out of 10. It’s not as if I haven’t stayed this high before it’s that it’s getting old. I don’t handle the pain that well anymore. This stupid writs of mine can’t just be spraned. I think there’s something more wrong with it than that but going to the doctor to hold my hand out just isn’t something I can do without feeling a dowel rod come down on them. I can’t do it. The one thing I could never dissociate far enough from was dowel rods on the palms of my hands. I can not hold my hand out, palm up and not panic and come home safely. The wrist is a small drop in this bucket. I feel tapped and tired. Hopefully, more than likely it will pass. It seems harder each time though. I feel like I have less to fight with each time. I’m sorry to say that……sorry about that…

Joan of Arc (w/ Robert close by)

No Therapy Today

Published on July 21, 2008 in Therapy. 0 Comments

Dr. D just called and canceled. I’m so happy. I didn’t want to go anywhere at all today. The muscles in the back of my legs feel like they’re about to Charlie horse on me. I touch my back and I can pretty much feel toxins filling my back. I need to move around a bit more today and try to release some of this pressure behind my eyes and relax my muscles a bit. I wasn’t in any shape to go to therapy today.

I hope I didn’t sound too happy when he called to cancel. I certainly didn’t mean to but my “hell yeah” surely could have been taken wrong.

Fit Throwing

Published on July 20, 2008 in Morton's Pride. 0 Comments

Because it’s mine and I want it. You gave it to me and I don’t want to have to change. It’s mine. I don’t want it to go away. How come I can’t have it? Why would I have to change? It’s mine. It’s mine and I don’t want to have to go to something else. It’s mine………. it’s mine. I have nothing but this and I don’t want it to go away. THIS IS MINE!

Dream Therapy: Slapping Captain Again

Published on July 20, 2008 in For the Record. 5 Comments

First off, I’m angry. I’m one second from rage, from throwing things and screaming. Slight annoyances spark an anger response that simply isn’t justified. I AM ANGRY. I’m angry about the whole Blossom situation. I can tell I’m not just angry but furious which means I need to watch my step closely so as not to go off on people who don’t deserve it. Even if they deserve it it doesn’t mean I should go off on them. I need to watch my step right now.

The dream was very similar to the other dream I had about slapping Captain. In this dream I was cooking dinner, baked chicken, cornbread stuffing, mac and cheese, green beans. The dog kept coming into the kitchen sniffing around which pissed me off. I kept telling him no and sending him to his bed. He kept coming back. As I began stirring the dressing I noticed the dressing was full of dog chow. I then looked down and Captain was at my feet hoping for a bite. I was furious because I’d told him ten times to go lay on his bed. Each time I told him to do so the kitchen got smaller and his bed and the bedroom itself got larger. This time instead of just telling him to go to his bed I smacked him on his butt. He started back at his bed but I kept following him complaining about his misbehavior. As I went on and on he then stood up and became my sister. He leaned against a tall white dresser, exposed his arm through a white T-shirt and smiled at me. I began slapping his arm in the very spot he/she exposed. The look on my sister’s face was, “You can do whatever you want to me, it won’t hurt.” I tried slapping him harder but got no real pain response. I then realized not only did it not hurt him but I didn’t wish to hurt him, that wasn’t the point. I just didn’t want him in the kitchen. I turned around and walked away. Continue reading ‘Dream Therapy: Slapping Captain Again’