I’m going to go ahead and go in patient at the stress center for a few days. Stuff is just a bit too much to handle right now.
All comments are in moderation until I return.
Austin
Monthly Archive for August, 2008
Katm- Take the damn meds. Don’t make me fly over there and kick your ass 
Did your box ever come?
Dear Kathryn,
The South Korean government has contacted me concerning the contents of your box. Please know that I was kidding when I requested a super fly Korean girl between the ages of 30 and 40 show up on my doorstep. I never expected anyone to shove a woman in a box and mail her to me. While I appreciate the hook up, I don’t appreciate being interrogated by people with “advanced” torture techniques. Therefore I must say, I do not know you nor do I know what box you’re talking about.
I guess there’s no permanent emotional damage to her but she is in need of a chiropractor. Perhaps you should have flown her here. How on earth did you get her in that tiny little box? Let me just say writing the word FRAGILE on the box wasn’t enough to ensure her comfort.
Once this debacle has been sorted out I’ll speak more openly. For now it’s “Kathryn who?”
Sincerely,
The Interrogated
Nope, no box yet. It may be in customs or something.
I do believe my life is a soap opera, a very, very bad soap opera. I layed in bed last night looking at the fake glowing stars on my ceiling then burst out laughing. Only me I thought, me and some Hollywood story line. Only Hollywood can make this shit up. Yesterday when I ventured out past my front door to see “the gentleman” aka Chi, I did so only to discover the heifer I went out with a few times works for Chi. She started there a few days ago. Chi is her supervisor. “Lady” is the girl from a disastrous date from awhile ago. She’s also the girl that looks so much like me that there was no way on earth it could have worked out. Had she not been in serious need of psychiatric help the fact that she looks way too much like me would have made us impossible. It was like going on a date with myself. Not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Do you know how difficult that can make things, dating someone that looks so much like you its scarey? Lady was someone I went out with a few times the second time Blossom and I broke up. I stand by the fact that it has only been three times that Blossom and I broke up.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a garden waiting for me.
Joan to Amy Smiles: Evidently it’s okay for Grace to hurt Bella
Morton: Okay then, find Grace a home.
Joan to Morton: Seriously?
Morton: Sure, and when you finally get it through your thick head that this is too much loss for us and that it’ll turn Bella’s world upside down then you can go knock on their door and ask for that dreaded cat back. Then when Maureen gets back you can tell her that in addition to losing our dog and telling Blossom to hit the road that YOU gave her cat away. You wanna do that? I didn’t think so. Now shut the fuck up about it. She stays.
Joan: Whatever!
Destiny: You’re setting yourself up to have no reason to be here and he’s not going for it.
(Morton nods his head in agreement)
Joan: I just don’t like her.
Destiny: It’s more than that.
(Morton nods his head in agreement)
Destiny: You said a long time ago without Captain here you’re free to go. We know you too well. for it to just be that you don’t like the cat and now she needs to go. Its you who wants to go but we’ve got Grace and Bella to take care of. You’re not free to go.
Morton: Bell is use to Gracie and she’s not helpless.
…………………………..
Yesterday Barney asked me if I’m going to get another dog. I said yes. I don’t know when but I know it won’t be all that soon.
Since I jokingly call him Barney Dad or Papa (usually when I want something) he’s decided he should meet the mother of his child. I told him he didn’t really want to do that. He asked if she’s pretty and how old she is. Yikes!
Well then, if you can’t get tears you need to cry to spill past the edge of your eye and they need only just a little push toss in a movie like Dreamgirls. The waterworks will start, trust me. What an awesome movie. It showed up today in my mail (as part of a bartering deal) and I watched it while eating an Arby’s ham and Swiss melt. Gracious sakes alive. What a movie. The music is amazingly moving with a message of hurt, hope and healing. The ending is wonderful too. Hardly ever do I watch a movie straight through. It takes a long time because I can’t just sit down for an extended period of time. I usually do a hundred different things while watching but not with this movie. A few times I stood right in front of the screen to watch the performance. What a story, what awesome music and certainly a wonderful find in my mail today.
It’s been a good day. I was going to stay home and hang out. I talked on the phone a bit then went to the store with my roommate. We grabbed an Arby’s value thingamabob and came home. He watched the Democratic Convention and I watched Dreamgirls. Good day all around.
Austin
This is the song I Am Changing performed by Jennifer Hudson followed by the lyrics
Look at me.
Look at me.
I am changing, trying every way I can.
I am changing, I’ll be better than I am.
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need, I need u, I need a hand.
I am changing, seeing everything so clear.
I am changing, I’m gonna start right now right here.
I’m hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need u, I need a hand.
All of my life, I’ve been a fool,
Who said I could do it all alone.
How many good friends have I already lost?
And how many dark nights have I known.
Walking down that wrong road,
There was nothing I could find.
All those years of darkness, can make a person blind,
But now I can see, I am changing,
Trying every way I can
I am changing, I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend, to help me start all over again.
Ohhh that would be just fine.
I know it’s gonna work out this time.
Cause this time I am, this time I am
I am changing, I’ll get my life together now,
I am changing, yes, I know how.
I’m gonna start again, I’m gonna leave, my past behind.
I’ll change my life, I make a vow nothings gonna stop, me, now.
I had the, “I feel like I’m getting screwed over” dream again. I don’t know what that’s about. I hate those dreams though. I know most of the time in my dreams sex is a power play so when I’m doing that to some strange guy then I can fall back on a realization I had a long time ago. When I have this dream it’s because in my waking hours I feel screwed over, powerless and afraid.
I had a dream my candles didn’t light as well as a dream about seeing a kid from my past who grew up in foster care then faked a high school transcript to get into college. We sat in his car talking about how his plan would backfire when a girl in a station wagon pulled up beside us with another girl in the back. The girl in the back had on really short shorts with her legs open. He and I had our heads turned to the side looking up her shorts. I noticed she had some sort of venereal disease of a crusty nature and made several comments about how she may have gotten it. After a few off comments, as if we hadn’t just had this slight derailment, we went back to talking about how his plan to get into college wasn’t a good one.
In therapy we talked about the entry where I said losing Captain is like the pain of losing my brother.
If I remember correctly my sister’s room didn’t really have a theme but the theme of my room was mallard ducks accented with trees that if moved around too often dropped all it’s leaves and died. My room was extremely clean. I stayed in it as often as possible. I also stayed home from school a lot so I had plenty of time outside of the room. I stayed home to care for my brother while my mother went to work and my sister to school. I missed so much school that I was warned I had to earn back missed days by good attendance or I’d be expelled. It wasn’t the first time nor the last that I’d have to earn back missed days.
My regular cab driver is on vacation until next week. I pay the guy all at once so that I don’t have to worry about having money later to pay him. Therapy is important so I give him the co-pays. Well, since Cabby Negative has been on an unscheduled vacation I’ve been forced to deal with even worse drivers than he is. Once I get into their cab I’m more than thrilled to tell them I don’t have a dollar so I can listen to them go off about how I want something for free. The first 3 rides I managed to not have any issues but the ride to therapy today was not without it’s problems.
Ya know, there’s a fiery hot place that waits for cab drivers that can’t deal with the inconvenience of being shorted a one dollar co-pay. Such cab drivers, when told about this tremendous loss go into lamentations about being cheated and about how they’re tired of “us people on Medicaid trying to get something for free.” Then the angry little driver, once he realizes you refuse to argue back will call his supervisor and refuse to ever pick you up again. When the supervisor tells the same story I did about having a regular driver and how that driver gets paid said angry driver will hang up and throw his phone so hard it cracks the screen. Then not only is the pissy driver out a dollar he’s also out a cute little red cell phone.
This is Bruce the Betta fish. We got him about a week and a half ago or so. I don’t remember how long it’s been. We need to get some rocks and stuff for his bowl and a few other things. And we need to look up how a little more about how to take care of him.
These are Talopia in the aquarium at the garden.
Milwaukee
Back in May of this year I lost my name and my income. Last month it hit me that the relationship I had with Blossom wasn’t what I thought it was. This month I lost my dog. I’m a tad bit frazzled right now. This month I got my name back and next month I’ll have my income back but I don’t get Captain back and I don’t ever want Blossom back I read the Borderline Personality Disorder series over at Clinically Clueless’ blog and the grief hit so hard. There is nothing I can say or do to make me and Blossom right because Blossom is an emotional child. The profound sadness I feel over that is unspeakable.People hope ya know? And most of the time they hope the problem is them because at least then things can change. What I learned was that its her and not me which means my hands are tied, I’m powerless to make things right. That hurts cause that means I have to let her go too. I feel so alone right now. I don’t know how to link to her series or I would. I couldn’t find them all. I’m feeling a tad bit stressed and it felt too overwhelming to look them up. LOL so just go over to her blog and look for the series.
So what’s up with the name and income thing and why on earth am I just now saying something? I talked to a few people in private conversation but I didn’t mention it on the blog. I kicked into the whole “I’ll deal with it on my own” routine. There’s another thing I need to forgive myself for.
My immediate response to Captain:
Just before I had to put him down I was on the phone crying my eyes out. I don’t know if what I said was intelligible or not I was crying so hard. Inside the vets office the pain was equal to the day they took my brother away. When they took K I thought it would kill me. At the time my psychiatrist asked me what I needed. I said, I need mercy. Losing Captain hurts like hell. It was the second worst day of my life. The first was my brother whom I mourn for nearly every day.
Aftermath:
The very first day when it sank in that Captain is gone I thought to myself, I can’t do this. I can’t be alive like this. This hurts too much. That was a short lived thought. At this time I’m saddened and I’m lonely. I have a hard time sleeping at night anymore because I don’t have the bark of a dog to warn against intruders. For the first time in a very long time I’ve slept with my bedroom door closed and locked. I haven’t washed his blankets yet and his toys are still on the floor in the bedroom exactly how he left them. I feel like I have no use for my front porch because he’s not here to share it with me. It saddens me when I realize there’s no one to give left overs to. If something hits the floor it just gets tossed. There’s no panting, snoring, kicking, farting huge dog trying to squeeze in bed beside me only to recieve a “oh hell no, you have to sleep on the floor. Down, down, get down.” My boy is gone and there is a huge hole. These are words though, please don’t ask me to express it in emotion because that’s where it all gets confusing.
Borderline, Transference, Projection, What Have You
I resist talking to Dr. D about Captain. Only twice has he brought the subject up but it still angers me. I know it’s not really Dr. D that I’m angry with, it’ just that I feel pressured to break down in tears or go into long drawn out embellished stories that start with, “Once upon a time the greatest dog in the world….”
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