I left my therapy session and headed straight for Lowes where I can purchase a good size piece of Birchwood for dirt cheep to paint on until my heart is content. Instead of going to my regular spot I went to the Lowes across town. Inside there were only two employees in the lumber section. One helped count a huge number of items in a man’s cart and the other showed his annoyance for a gentleman who wanted to purchase cement. I knew I wasn’t going to get good customer service but I didn’t plan to walk around the store searching for this item till Kingdom come either so I bugged the irritable employee for help. He immediately shot me down. He told me I could buy the wood but he wasn’t going to cut it because I wanted it too small and he’d lose his job. I explained I have it cut like that all the time. He said, “I’m not going to lose my job over a piece of lumber.” My neck kinda went back a bit. I was somewhat irritated because I’ve purchased this same thing before with no difficulties and had it cut at a Lowes. But now this man has rested his entire financial future on one piece of wood cut for yours truly. Continue reading ‘Two Strangers With Something In Common’
Daily Archive for August 6th, 2008
Dr. D says sometimes he has a hard time following my train of thought but he noticed when I write something down it’s clear and to the point. He has few questions when he reads something I’ve written. But when I open my mouth and try to talk my mind goes blank. After that he said to me, “How did Blossom handle your DID?”
What I heard him say is:
If I’m a professional and I struggle to understand where you’re coming from then how is a layperson such as Blossom supposed to deal with you?
My conclusion from that:
I’m just going to have to accept that it was my fault and that I’m hard to deal with because I’m split apart. It was all my fault, how can I expect her to deal with me when you can’t? I should have given her a break even if I didn’t feel she deserves one with me.
My reaction:
Close off, say nothing else, feel terrible, keep my head down, and lose total eye contact for the remainder of the session. I just kept drawing.
Feelings:
Guilt, shame, anger
Guilt that I’m messed up
Shame that I’m messed up
Angry that I can’t open my mouth and say, “This wasn’t all my fault”
Feelings now:
Shame, resolved
Shame that I’d hear meaning behind an innocent statement
I feel kinda good that I could process it out and see where I heard incorrectly and understand why I heard it incorrectly.
This is why:
I changed the word handle to deal and assumed he, like my family, would make me responsible for the downfall of everything around me. Dr D did not do that. He asked a question about our relationship with no blame attached to it.
Joan of Arc
I got some orders mailed out, had a bit of dinner, watched some fluff TV and played with my dog. I also updated the Art Therapy gallery. That was pretty much my day.
I have therapy tomorrow/today. You’d think I’d be use to being up all night before but man I’m tired.
What I Heard You Say-Wednesday, August 06, 2008-2:26AM EST
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