Dr. D says sometimes he has a hard time following my train of thought but he noticed when I write something down it’s clear and to the point. He has few questions when he reads something I’ve written. But when I open my mouth and try to talk my mind goes blank. After that he said to me, “How did Blossom handle your DID?”
What I heard him say is:
If I’m a professional and I struggle to understand where you’re coming from then how is a layperson such as Blossom supposed to deal with you?
My conclusion from that:
I’m just going to have to accept that it was my fault and that I’m hard to deal with because I’m split apart. It was all my fault, how can I expect her to deal with me when you can’t? I should have given her a break even if I didn’t feel she deserves one with me.
My reaction:
Close off, say nothing else, feel terrible, keep my head down, and lose total eye contact for the remainder of the session. I just kept drawing.
Feelings:
Guilt, shame, anger
Guilt that I’m messed up
Shame that I’m messed up
Angry that I can’t open my mouth and say, “This wasn’t all my fault”
Feelings now:
Shame, resolved
Shame that I’d hear meaning behind an innocent statement
I feel kinda good that I could process it out and see where I heard incorrectly and understand why I heard it incorrectly.
This is why:
I changed the word handle to deal and assumed he, like my family, would make me responsible for the downfall of everything around me. Dr D did not do that. He asked a question about our relationship with no blame attached to it.
Joan of Arc
I got some orders mailed out, had a bit of dinner, watched some fluff TV and played with my dog. I also updated the Art Therapy gallery. That was pretty much my day.
I have therapy tomorrow/today. You’d think I’d be use to being up all night before but man I’m tired.
What I Heard You Say-Wednesday, August 06, 2008-2:26AM EST
I think how Blossom dealth with your DID says more (or less in this case) about her than it does about you. Just my 2, unprofessional, cents!
Well, it WAS a poorly asked question.
Better would have been:
How did Blossom treat YOU? Did you feel she treated you a particular way because of your DID diagnosis?
You are not your DID and your DID is not something to “handle” like you are broken or unmanageable. It’s a descriptor. It’s something that is part of your story. Not the whole story.
Like you, I get where he was going with it. he could have asked it better. did you share with him how he came across and how you turned it around?
you did good
you’re an amazing chica
wily
You did do good!
I too have problems with processing certain statements and questions, often assuming I’m being blamed when that was not the intention.
I’m glad you could resolve this by coming to the conclusion that Dr. D’s question was innocent, with no blame intended.
(I like the art work, by the way.)
Writing for me is/was a lifesaver because I am clearer and it helps me to process. Then, reading it to my therapist helped me to stay present. Often times, it takes days for me to figure out what happened in session.
You are definitely clear in your writing. I usually get a sense of your process and what is going on. I think, that is why some people blog. Like me and I sense for you too. Much easier than verbalizing.
Being this raw over the situation with that girl I have a feeling had he worded this differently my reaction would have still been the same. It wasn’t his wording it’s my fear of being bad and capable of destroying most things that I touch.
I feel that austin.
she just was not nice to you. from what you have written that is very clear.
I am really sorry.
my last boyfriend before my current one was a real SOB. he had some qualities that I loved but man he was just such a mean person that in the end it wasn’t worth it. but it hurt and haunted me for a long time, I kept wondering what *I* could have done to make it different or not turn out so acrimoniously. but I guess he would have had to want to listen to me and respect me and make changes and well, that wasn’t gonna happen.
wishing a rain of healing blessings on you
wily