The People Behind My Eyes

I was not a happy camper today. Any patience I had for mankind was spent yesterday. Today I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I realized I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air, try and recharge, so I went to my secret garden. Once I got there I walked around for just a few minutes then went in the conservatory area. There’s a plant there called a sensitive plant. When you touch it the leaves close to protect itself from predators. I suppose I didn’t expect it to close so fast so echoing through the quiet garden room was “Ah shit!” I suppose I thought it would close so slowly I wouldn’t notice but it was kinda fast. It didn’t try to take my finger off or anything, thank goodness but I certainly didn’t expect to actually see it close within a second. The funny thing is, I know how it feels. I close up that fast too. In awe I walked on to the koi pond where the koi are so large they can easily unnerve you. I sat at a bench for a second by a small waterfall then moved on to see the vanilla vines and a few other plants I hadn’t been able to focus on during other visits. After that I looked at the display of frogs and corn snakes then moved outside to where the one and only sunflower grows. I couldn’t help but smile at it.

With a deep breath I moved to the outside where I walked the paths. I looked straight ahead and just walked. I then went around a few small water fountains, down a different brick path, through a small gazebo and up to my favorite spot in the entire park. This is the best spot because you can look down on the large water fountain that holds two smaller ones. I watched the larger one for just a second but I had a really hard time keeping my thoughts peaceful. Funny how even in the midst of such beauty your mind can still be trapped in the past. It is possible to watch butterflies play and still feel .. and still feel. It is possible to watch a beautiful fountain and still feel like you’re drowning in fear and anxiety and pain and sadness. One great fountain can become a memory you don’t want to think about. White bubbling water turns red from the neck of a small animal you wish hadn’t stumbled into your yard. I toss the thought out and try to bring myself back to today. I tried to focus on the water and the breeze and just be right there, right then and nowhere else.

I focused and began to relax. I took deeper breaths and let my imagination flow with the water. I pretended I could see within the upshoots a young angel dancing. Each time the water pressure increased or decreased she rose and fell. The frothy water and the way it fell lent itself to this little scene. The two small fountains beside it were flowing at a totally different speed and strength but in my mind I could see little angels doing back flips right off the top, right where the water began to spill over. I couldn’t help but smile. After a short time I got up to come home.

It is such a relief to go somewhere with a total change of scenery and forget. It’s hard, it’s really hard because all I’ve wanted to do today is lay down and cry. I ask myself why I’m still walking around with knees like mine. I ask myself why I keep trying and why I bother to stay alive. But when I’m at my secret garden those thoughts come to rest and I get lost in the waterfall at the koi pond or the water fountain at the highest peek in the park.

Austin