I talked to Dr. D about his question and how I heard it. He confirmed that what he was asking is how DID affected my relationship with Blossom. We hadn’t discussed it before so he asked. I’m telling you, the name of that woman brings anxiety bubbling up so as I began to answer the question I dissociated and switched. After getting myself back together I told him that basically it was in the forefront at all times and I felt it put a burden on me because of it.
DID is of course a major part of my life. It touches quite a few things but when the person you are involved with unnecessarily makes everything about your DID when you don’t want them to then it becomes a burden. One of the common worries of a multiple is that people will believe he or she is a fake and that they don’t really have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Even the multiple (including myself) has doubts about their disorder. It’s clear in others but for our own emotional safety we sometimes keep a bit of denial on hand. After all, fully accepting the diagnosis means fully accepting how you got it. That is a difficult pill to swallow. So when you don’t really want everything to be about your disorder but the person you are with does it starts problems.
Self doubt and fear of being proven a liar coupled with constant focus made me rather miserable. The focus was always on me and my response to things. The focus was on “who am I talking to” or “how should I react when so-in-so is out?” Those questions alone are not a problem. The problem came in when she’d watch my behaviors and she’d assign different characteristics to alters and then tie us down to those behaviors. For instance, if one day I wanted ketchup on my French fries but didn’t the next time she would ask who was out. A simple preference became a DID issue. I happen to like ketchup sometimes but other times I don’t. She would tell me she wasn’t able to keep up with my likes and dislikes. I tried to tell her that I never expected her to. Does she need to remember when I like ketchup and when I don’t? Is that really a huge issue? No, but it’s something she took note of and something that we went back and forth about. She didn’t need to make a mental note of all my likes and dislikes but she told me she did.
Her constant questions about if she was triggering me were also problematic. There are a few simple things I request in order to assist with not throwing me into a flashback. Don’t walk up behind me and touch me and don’t touch me while I sleep. Don’t stand in the doorway of the bedroom. Don’t call me Kiddo and don’t call sex play. Talk to me like a human being. After so many years a person should have those few things down pat. That’s not a lot to remember, everything else in our relationship is subject to change. Relationships change so behaviors change. We grow, we change, and hardly anything is absolute, definite or final. You have to make room for day to day preferences too and realize they don’t have anything to do with a disorder. They’re just preferences. If I’m in the mood for chicken as opposed to fish or beef it has nothing to do with my disorder.
This will seem rather contradictory (part of life I suppose) but the other part of the story is this. I appreciated that Blossom knew the difference between me and Destiny. I appreciated that she knew Maureen when she saw her or that she knew Amy Smiles when she saw her. Blossom knowing the difference between us made us feel like we were real and that our existence didn’t go unnoticed. Her ability to tell us apart wasn’t a problem it was the constant locking in of behaviors with mental notes she later told us about that made us uncomfortable and fed into our fears. It felt like whatever I did was noted and assigned to a particular alter. If I did something that she thought only Maureen did then she’d say, “I thought Maureen did that?” I suppose we can’t share likes and dislikes. Also, her constantly putting my disorder before me fed into my own concerns. Do I really have DID? Does she think I have it? The list of questions goes on and on. To constantly have someone make everything about your disorder when you don’t want them to can easily feed into insecurities.
Conflicting emotions or view points does not mean a person has switched personalities. Noting every change is not necessary. Past character assassinating accusations from a pedophile should not be seen as valid points of reference. However, when these inaccuracies were treated as fact and acted upon it made for a very uncomfortable household.
Joan of Arc
DID At The Forefront -Saturday, August 09, 2008-4:22PM EST
“After all, fully accepting the diagnosis means fully accepting how you got it. That is a difficult pill to swallow.” I can related to that - I have a hard time accepting that I really need all these medications.
And I also have the same basic rules as you - especially the bathroom one.
Gosh, I felt on edge reading the post. For someone to be that focused and knowing what little I know about Blossom, in someways, it seems like she was trying to prove to you that she can tell them apart. The other thing, I think, was to constantly put the focus on you having DID kept you off balance and herself above you and in more control. No matter, why she did it…it seemed irritating as hell and was not helpful to you. I would have begun to get paranoid about everything I did. It is funny how once someone learns that you have an illness that some begin to view you and your behavior through those lenses. The “Oh, that’s because she is [insert illness here] rather than I simply don’t feel like it right now. So, ketchup with dinner and none with lunch…nothing strange about it to me, but I would make a mental note ask because it depends. Where with my husband, I don’t ask…he automatically gets ketchup. Me he has to ask.
“After all, fully accepting the diagnosis means fully accepting how you got it. That is a difficult pill to swallow.” Yes, this stuck out because it is probably one of the most difficult things to do…for me accepting the diagnosis and the multitude of medications. I think, that is why I forget sometimes.
Sheesh, Blossom! Keep writing…it seems to help and you are getting clearer about her.
I can maybe see how her wanting to keep a mental list of your likes/dislikes might have been important to her at first. I mean, I know when I start with a partner I’m all about wanting to show them that I know who they are, and that I care through actions not just words. So knowing when to offer the ketchup bottle fits in there.
But when it’s every ruddy little thing, argh! And if she’s faced with trying to know more than one personality then it’s complicated and frustrating for you, maybe not so much for her. And perhaps it comes from lack of understanding of the diagnosis?
I mean if you’re really unsure of what something is or what it means then you tend to keep nit picking at the little things you feel like you have some chance of controlling. Does that make sense? I don’t know if Blossom is the type to think like that but that’d be my suggestions for what could be going on behind all the just plain annoying crap that goes on in relationships.
Back when I was having relationships with men, I didn’t know about my DID, so I didn’t have to go through the strain of having my every move scrutinized.
However, I had a long friendship with someone who, once I was diagnosed, acted a lot like Blossom: noting all discrepancies in my behavior and preferences, asking who was that talking, etc. It became wearisome. Also it made me feel as if I were under a microscope–I couldn’t simply be, I had to justify my every word and deed.
There was also the sense that my DID was a point of entertainment and humor for her. I really began to resent that.
Everything you wrote about here makes perfect sense to me.
Ack. Quick memory: buying fabric with mother. I chose red, I chose a pattern instead of a solid. Her eyes narrowed and she got an odd little smile on her face and she said “Who is it?”
Bah. Every one of us always said, “I’m Rome.” We’ve always hated that she even knows, has had it confirmed for her by doctors and authorities. The woman is not safe. That was the whole effing point!
Now that Rome is gone (and it’s obvious to anyone who knew her), when the woman asks who she’s speaking to, we change the subject.
Sometimes I don’t know which is worse: the people who insist there’s no possibility of Multiplicity, or the people who won’t let it GO.