There’s a blogger I’ve known since 2002 that I’ll be meeting for the first time in about two weeks. I had a month to get use to the idea but as the date drew closer I began to fret a bit and shame set in. I didn’t want her to come here and see that I still have much work to do getting Barney’s kitchen and office areas to look like something other than a war zone. I’m ashamed of our yard. Then I thought to myself, I’m fat and she’s going to see just how fat I am. I kind of freaked out a bit because there is so much a person can hide over the net but in person I’m just laid out. I feel open and exposed. Then I began to think about it, this is a person that knew me when I lived in that crackhead infested hell hole. She knew me when I was still shaving my head. She knew me when I was involved with Mac Bastard, when I began seeing Mac Blue and even back when Blossom was called Slave Girl. So what is there to worry about? She has seen me during horrific bouts of depression and in good times. Will seeing my horrible yard erase friendship? I don’t think so.
I’ve seen her grow from being miserably trapped at home to a young woman on her own. I’ve seen her make drastic strides in her healing process. I saw her deal with heart ache and heart break from a man that didn’t deserve her. I’ve seen her fall and get up, move forward and step back. And now she’s this young lady with a fiancé and a future she never thought she’d get. Would I think less of her if for some reason she showed up with an eye patch and had six toes sliding around in flip flops? No, not at all. Would I think less of her if she rolled up to my house in a rusted out Yugo sporting a tie-dye toga and more hair on her legs than a chimpanzee? Perhaps, but it wouldn’t be enough to erase our friendship. Somehow I doubt that my jacked up yard or an imperfect house will make our phone conversations, our emails and shared blog reading dissolve to nothing. I should give her a bit more credit than to think I’d become worthless or disgusting to her because my home isn’t perfect and my body isn’t perfect. What was I thinking? I mean really?
I so look forward to a visit from her and her fiancé.
I Wonder-Saturday, August 09, 2008-2:07AM EST
Joan of Arc
Credit where credit’s due ‘eh. A good philosophy for much of life, really. Rarely hurts.
I know how insecurities set in at the thought of meeting a blogging friend . . . I’d be the same way, believe me. But you’re right, in the end none of your imperfections will matter to the friendship you’ve developed.
Personally, I rather prefer imperfections. If I met you and your house and yard were perfect along with everything else, I’d probably want to run.
I hope you enjoy your time with your friend and that meeting in person will serve to deepen the bond you’ve already developed.
I know that line of thinking and I would go back and forth with it. I’m so embarrassed about my home that I don’t want anyone over. That added with meeting someone face to face for the first time. But, keep remembering that you have already established a bonded friendship. When you go back to that line of thinking, read your post and comments again. I love the way, I was able to read you processing it.
Ooh what fun. I’ve met some of my online blogging buddies and I have the same fears and trepidations. However, things have always been wonderful! I hope you have a great time.
I’m so glad you feel better about seeing your friend. Maybe she is nervous, too.
I understand your fear. A relationship through emails, phone and blogging still allows for a bit of anonymity even when you are really sharing deep parts of yourself. There is something about meeting face to face for the first time that does stir-up insecurities. I agree with clueless that you already have a bonded friendship. Hope you have a wonderful time with each other.