As always I held my breath when I passed Dr. D to leave. I expect to get slapped on the back. As I walked through the doorway I wondered, “Does he disinfect his office after I leave?” The thought caught me by surprise. Yes, I feel that dirty, that I’d leave a trail behind me that requires the use of disinfectants to get rid of any traces of filth I may have left behind.
While we talked about recreating the abuse I doodled. It’s helped keep me from rapid switching so I’m happy I do it. He wants to talk more Wednesday about the drawing.
For some reason he thinks he offends me when he asks questions. Most of the time he doesn’t. Today he asked something, I can’t remember what and around the same time Renea (age 9) came out. He thought it was something he asked but our switching had to do with the yellow crayon we were using not the question. Eventually I told him that. We talked about yellow for a little bit and how for us it represents cowardly behavior. We felt like a coward giving into our mother. Yellow is also the colour of her mattress. There was never a sheet on that mattress, we laid on it bare. We didn’t have sheets at all as a child, everything was bare. As an adult I have sheets but not yellow ones. I prefer blue or white. Every Monday is clean sheets day. I even have pillow cases. We didn’t use pillows as a child. I have 6 of them in shams as well as a huge duck and a moose on my bed. I think I’m making up for lost time. One of the things I want for the bed is a drape that goes over the sides of the headboard but isn’t over the bed. It’s more on the wall. It’s easy enough to do. I just need to find the right thing. I’ve been looking. Continue reading ‘Disinfect’
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