The People Behind My Eyes

As always I held my breath when I passed Dr. D to leave. I expect to get slapped on the back. As I walked through the doorway I wondered, “Does he disinfect his office after I leave?” The thought caught me by surprise. Yes, I feel that dirty, that I’d leave a trail behind me that requires the use of disinfectants to get rid of any traces of filth I may have left behind.

While we talked about recreating the abuse I doodled. It’s helped keep me from rapid switching so I’m happy I do it. He wants to talk more Wednesday about the drawing.

For some reason he thinks he offends me when he asks questions. Most of the time he doesn’t. Today he asked something, I can’t remember what and around the same time Renea (age 9) came out. He thought it was something he asked but our switching had to do with the yellow crayon we were using not the question. Eventually I told him that. We talked about yellow for a little bit and how for us it represents cowardly behavior. We felt like a coward giving into our mother. Yellow is also the colour of her mattress. There was never a sheet on that mattress, we laid on it bare. We didn’t have sheets at all as a child, everything was bare. As an adult I have sheets but not yellow ones. I prefer blue or white. Every Monday is clean sheets day. I even have pillow cases. We didn’t use pillows as a child. I have 6 of them in shams as well as a huge duck and a moose on my bed. I think I’m making up for lost time. One of the things I want for the bed is a drape that goes over the sides of the headboard but isn’t over the bed. It’s more on the wall. It’s easy enough to do. I just need to find the right thing. I’ve been looking.

One of the things that lets me know I’m in my own home is looking around to see the major differences between then and now. I have curtains on my windows. I have paper towels. I have dishes, hand towels, bath towels, wash rags, sheets, pillows, blankets. I have knives and forks, cups, plates and mugs. Those “simple” items let me know I’m in my own home not hers. I’m okay I can tell myself because I’m at home.

My bedroom has to look different than the a bedroom I had as a child. I go through so much trying to make sure that room stays safe for me to look at so what’s in there? Sunflowers. On the ceiling I have a display of sunflowers. It looks like they’re growing right out of the ceiling.  Then on the wall by my headboard is a huge picture of two child angels called “The First Kiss”. I also have a matching keepsake box and little round mirror with the painting on it. It’s gold coloured and it has a little snap to it to lock it when it’s closed. I got them at different places but they match perfectly. I like them a lot. It’s one of my favorite paintings.

Right now I’m going to climb into bed and take a short nap then get up to make some dinner. I may or may not do any cleaning. That’s routine for me after therapy, walk in the house and start cleaning, start throwing things away, clearing out clutter, disinfecting things, etc. My energy is zapped for stuff like that today.